I regretted raising my daughter to death with my own hands: The biggest mistake as a parent is to make your child \”hate learning\”

My daughter is 14 years old and is in the second grade of junior high school. Since the first semester of junior high school, her study status has become very unstable and her mood has become increasingly negative. She said every day that she was sleepy, didn\’t get enough sleep, and complained about school life. My motivation to study has also been significantly reduced. I have to go to bed after finishing my homework at night, and I don’t read any extra books. Indeed, today\’s junior high school students have a hard time. They go out early and come back late every day, and there are still a lot of study tasks to complete. But as the practice increased, I became dissatisfied: \”I think you are just lazy and don\’t want to learn. You are tired of making noises every day, and you are just letting yourself down!\” After being scolded by me several times, my daughter gradually stopped talking. But she also said she had headaches and stomachaches and had to take leave every week. The teacher also told me that my daughter was not very efficient in class and could clearly be distracted, so her grades dropped significantly. According to her current ranking, she will definitely not be admitted to a key high school, and even ordinary high schools are in danger. I was very angry after hearing this. For several days in a row, I didn\’t give my daughter a good look. I took every opportunity to scold her and reason with her: Your grades in elementary school have always been very good, and they were good when you first entered junior high school. Why are you getting worse as you study? What\’s wrong with your child now? I can tell you to adjust the status back to me as soon as possible! Otherwise, you don’t even want to go anywhere during the holidays and you go to make up lessons for me every day! I would rather spend the money and admit it! But my discipline did not have much effect. If I put it lightly, my daughter would lower her head and remain silent. If I put it seriously, she would break down and burst into tears. She also often expresses her thoughts about not going to school and envies those children who don\’t have to go to school. She just looks at her mobile phone and watches videos at home every day. Every time I hear her say this, I feel nervous and anxious, fearing that she might also want to drop out of school. So she frequently urged her to study hard and get into a good high school and a good university, so that she would have a future in life. My daughter promised, but she couldn\’t keep up with the motivation. Moreover, she asked me to take time off more and more often, and when it came time for the final exam, she simply stopped taking it. No matter how hard I forced her, she refused to go. In desperation, I had no choice but to agree. During the following holidays, she stayed at home and didn\’t even want to leave the house. Occasionally I do homework, but most of the time I spend playing on my phone and watching short videos. Seeing my daughter lying there passively, I was anxious and angry, but I didn\’t dare to ask or speak. I really don\’t know what to do. But I know that if this continues, my daughter’s studies will be completely ruined! Why did my daughter, who had always worked hard and studied, become like this? 02 This question has been bothering me throughout the nights of tossing and turning. It wasn’t until I watched a lot of educational videos and books, and carefully interpreted many cases, that I finally understood that my daughter’s negative attitude toward learning today was due to my harsh demands on her, my failure to see her efforts, my failure to recognize her, and my constant criticism and accusations. , the seeds were planted. Like many parents, I have unknowingly joined the army of chicken babies since my children went to school. I have long instilled in her perfectionist ideas such as learning the best and excellence as a habit and self-requirement. I have high hopes for my daughter, and she seeks better results and higher rankings with my push. This kind of supervision and control seems to be effective in the early grades, but it ignores the children\’s mental health and emotional needs. Enter junior high schoolLater, as the subjects became more difficult and the competition became more intense, my daughter not only had to deal with academic pressure, but also faced invisible pressure and comparisons from teachers, classmates, parents, etc. This continuous high-stress environment made her feel inescapable anxiety and helplessness, and eventually she developed psychological and emotional problems. And my urging and lack of understanding also made the problem more serious. When my daughter complained and didn\’t want to go to school, I didn\’t notice her emotional problems. Instead, I thought it was her lack of self-discipline and avoidance of studying. Not only did they not provide the child with reasonable support and attention, but they severely reprimanded her, leaving her daughter feeling like she had nowhere to talk and no one could help her. When she began to take leave frequently and resisted going to school, she had already sent an obvious signal – she was very painful and depressed inside and needed scientific guidance and help. But I, thinking deeply about it, still asked her to study hard and improve her grades. In the end, her daughter\’s study was severely affected, and her declining grades further aggravated her anxiety and avoidance. This vicious cycle made her more and more tired of studying. In the end, she would rather jump off the building than take the exam. Thinking about it now, it was precisely because I built a high-expectation environment for my daughter that she could not accept her own failure. Falling behind in the competition made her begin to doubt her own worth, and she was unable to face the sense of meaninglessness brought about by falling behind, which ultimately led to a complete collapse of her confidence. Having been in this hopeless state for a long time, she didn\’t know how to get out of the predicament. She could only escape by lying down, transferring her mental depression and inner pain, and allowing herself to be temporarily released. I finally understood that if we want to help my daughter regain her motivation to learn, it will be useless to continue to force and urge her. We still need to start with our education methods. The specific methods are as follows. 031. Let go of high expectations. This is the prerequisite for improving children’s aversion to learning. In the past, I had very high expectations and requirements for my daughter. When she was born, there was a strong atmosphere of chicken babies in society, and parents tried their best to raise their children to a higher starting point. Life is like sailing against the current, if you don\’t advance, you will retreat. In such an atmosphere, I dare not take it lightly. I often encourage my daughter and give her various rewards every time she gets good grades. I thought this was motivating her, but I didn\’t realize that it was subtly causing a heavy psychological burden on my daughter. She has told me before that she is afraid of disappointing me and failing to meet my expectations. But I didn\’t listen carefully. In the end, my daughter’s distaste for studying was a wake-up call for me. It also made me deeply realize that: trying your best to help children is like pulling out seedlings and encouraging them to grow. The children may not necessarily be outstanding, but they will definitely have minor or severe psychological problems. Parents have expectations and standards for their children, of course out of love and responsibility, but they must never let their children feel that they are worthy of love only if they continue to meet these expectations. I began to let go of my high expectations for my daughter. First of all, when I communicate with her, I will tell her directly that there was too much pressure on her in the past. \”Mom is also a mother for the first time. I only know that I love you, but I don\’t know how to love you. Now that you stop, it is actually a good thing for my mother and yourself, because it gives me the opportunity to reflect and grow. In fact, no matter what Are your grades good or not? What will you do in the future? What will your mother do to you?love will never change. \”Secondly, I also did my homework carefully and found many paths for my daughter to take. Including attending an international high school, studying abroad, and even telling my daughter that if she really doesn\’t want to go to school, she might as well learn a technology in the future. I I printed out a thick pile and looked at my daughter\’s surprised and grateful eyes. I also felt very happy. This kind of unconditional love and full understanding and tolerance will help the child get rid of the fear of grades and rankings, and let her gradually grow up. Realized: It turns out that my mother will make changes because of her unhappiness; it turns out that my mother forced me to study in the past just because of the limitations of her educational thinking and methods. In fact, no matter whether I study well or bad, my mother\’s love for me will not change. It will change. This sense of security and satisfaction will reduce the child\’s anxiety and fear and help her get out of this difficult time. Only by letting go of high expectations can the child improve her stress and mood and get over her boredom with learning. 2 , learn to understand and catch the children\’s negative emotions, and do not reason with the children when they collapse. In fact, before my daughter developed severe study weariness and psychological problems, she complained to me many times, saying that studying was stressful, tiring, and unloving. Go to school, etc. But every time I hear it, I feel that my daughter has serious negative emotions, so I always interrupt her and take the opportunity to educate her, tell her that persistence is victory, and accuse her of not being strict with herself. Knowing how to cherish her current living environment and waste such good conditions required her to concentrate on her studies, but these correct principles did not bring positive energy to her daughter. On the contrary, she felt that her pain and helplessness were not understood. No one supports it. There is no outlet for my daughter’s emotional problems, and they are accumulating. Scientific research shows that when a person’s negative emotions are not resolved properly, they will not disappear through suppression. And this place is an important area for regulating emotions. The more emotions are accumulated, the more sensitive the amygdala becomes. Over time, the child\’s ability to bear it becomes worse, and the emotional disorder becomes more severe. When she can no longer bear it, she retreats to the house and lies down. It became a respite for self-help. I no longer reasoned with my daughter, but really understood her emotions and gave her a channel to vent and release. In short, I meant to understand her expressions and accept them. I suppressed her negative emotions and understood what she really wanted to say. When my daughter complained that she was tired and annoyed again, I did not reason as simply and rudely as before: \”Everyone is tired, who is not tired?\” \”Such a response will make my daughter think that her mother only preaches; even if she complains, she wants to say it but dare not say it, and the negative emotions are suppressed in her heart. I am now trying to understand the emotions behind her words and give her positivity The feedback gave her the space to fully express her emotions: Indeed, people are like this. Sometimes they are not in a high mood and feel tired if they don’t do anything. Sometimes they are in a good mood and feel relaxed even if they do a lot of work. Mom, you are absolutely right. That’s how I am. The assignments given by the English teacher are actually not difficult for me, but when I think about them, I feel very annoyed and don’t want to start writing them. I agree: It would be great if there was a magic wand from Harry Potter that you love to watch.? With a flick of the hand, all the homework is done. The daughter laughed. I continue to offer support: Is there anything mom can do for you, like copying? In fact, you know it and have mastered it. Repeated copying is really meaningless. Mom can help you write it. My daughter thought for a while: Mom, I\’d better write it myself. You are also very tired after working all day. I finished copying it while listening to the song. In fact, she just wanted to complain to me and get energy and attention from me. When I catch my daughter\’s negative energy and give her understanding and support, my daughter\’s emotions gradually calm down and her rational brain takes over. She will also do what she should do and understand the difficulties of her parents. By the end of the holiday, my daughter had completed all her homework, was in a relaxed and expectant mood, and was ready to go to school. After the new semester started, my daughter, who was freed from high expectations, seemed to be light on her feet and full of motivation. When I pick her up from school every day, I still hear all kinds of complaints, about which teacher teaches too fast, which subject has too much homework, etc. But none of this affected her daughter\’s actions. It can be seen that for children, the biggest obstacles to learning come from psychological and emotional problems. Once this part is taken care of, she will naturally regain her learning rhythm and motivation. In the process of continuous learning and reflection, I also continue to grow and have a new understanding of how to educate adolescent children. Let\’s encourage each other~ Light up the \”Like\”, I hope our children will get better and better, and our family and life will become happier!