I was tricked by my mother, so miserable!

Late at night a few days ago, I was typing on the computer. After Mr. Liu put the child to sleep, he walked up to me and asked me in a low voice: \”Wife, what\’s wrong with you? I never see you smile. Is it me?\” Are you making your wife unhappy?\” As soon as he said this, I woke up immediately. Then I remembered that I was tired and annoyed from work during the day, and I had been cold-faced for most of the day. Seeing my husband\’s cautious look, I suddenly felt guilty and sad. Because in those few seconds, I suddenly realized that I looked very much like my mother who liked cold violence, and from my husband, I seemed to see myself at a loss when I was a child. As long as I can remember, my mother would start a cold war whenever she was unhappy. A small thing would make her sulky for a long time, and then the whole family would be under a dark cloud. When I was young, I secretly swore in my heart: I will never Will be like mom! But now, as a psychology enthusiast who popularizes my family of origin on my official account every day, I still unknowingly make the same mistake as my mother. In the same way that my mother hurt me back then, I hurt my husband who actually didn’t do anything wrong but was often frightened by my low pressure. Thinking of this, I was almost overwhelmed by the guilt welling up in my heart. I stood up and hugged Mr. Liu hard, and explained: \”Husband, I\’m sorry, it\’s not your problem, it\’s just that there have been too many things recently, so I feel very irritable…\” The next day, I found this in the friend group After talking about it, unexpectedly, everyone started talking about it: • Mom A: My mom used to be very strong, and I always felt that my dad was so pitiful. A few days ago, I tried to find fault with my husband, but he didn’t say anything for a long time. Finally, He actually said that I look more and more like my mother now… What\’s even scarier is, when I thought about it afterwards, it was true! • Mom B: Forget it, my dad used to love beating me. When I had children, I swore I would never spank my children in the future. When I was born, I found that I couldn’t bear it at all. What’s even scarier is that every time after the spanking, I still felt a little better. ……•C’s mother: Me too, I loved to cry when I was a child, and my mother would become even more violent when I cried. At that time, I envied the kind of children whose mothers would comfort them whenever they cried. But now when I see my daughter cry, I get very angry. The more she cries, the more I hate her. I hate that she is not strong enough. I hate that she is just as cowardly as I was when I was a child! …I am reminded of a thriller \”Nocturnal Animals\” I watched before. The plot did not scare me, but I was shocked by a line in it. The heroine in the play quarreled with her mother, and the two despised each other. Finally, her mother said quietly: \”You think you and I are very different, but in fact you are more like me than you think. We will eventually become like our mothers.\” .\” Every mother was once a daughter, and we become \”moms\” as we live. After we finished talking that day, I kept thinking: Why do we still enjoy it even though we clearly hate it? Why do we know we are wrong but still make the same mistakes? I have thought of many answers to these questions – 1. Because we have almost forgotten how painful we were when we were children: If it weren’t for my husband’s pitiful appearance that day, I would have almost forgotten that I was coldly beaten by my mother when I was a child. How heavy it must be. We often say \”Don\’t do to others what you don\’t want others to do to you.\” Maybe it\’s because our childhood is too far away from us, or the memories are too painful.We have begun to forget or even beautify the pain that was suppressed by parents back then. Now now we can once again confidently inflict violence on children. 2. Because we want revenge: There is a question on Zhihu: \”Why do people choose to inflict misfortune on others after having painful experiences?\” The answer of a consultant named Feng Dantong impressed Dan\’s mother – the child was Parents have beaten their children, and they will beat their own children again when they grow up. On the conscious level, they all say that they are doing it for the good of the child, but on the subconscious level, they are actually – • They are carrying out revenge like \”a daughter-in-law becomes a mother-in-law\”, seeking understanding. : \”Son, I really hope you can understand the pain I\’ve experienced\”; • It\’s expressing identification and loyalty to mother\\father, seeking belonging: \”Mom, I love you, because I am just like the way you once treated me. The way I treat my daughter is the same as you.\” As writer Meiya said: \”When I am like my mother, I belong to my mother, and my mother will accept me.\” 3. Because of recognition: Here I will give an example. For example, a mother teaches her child that the teacup must be placed on the table. If she puts the teacup on the floor, she will be scolded. Then the child can only put the teacup on the table. This is obedience. the mother\’s will. Submission will gradually develop into recognition. When the child grows up and his mother has Alzheimer\’s disease, he will ask his mother to pick up the teacup and put it away when he puts it on the ground – this is completely internalized. Therefore, the superego part of personality is actually given by family education. Whatever understanding and concepts parents have, children will gradually form such understandings and concepts and become part of their personality. 4. It is almost every child’s instinct to imitate their mother: It is not so much that we cannot escape from the script of our original family or the shadow of our mother’s personality after becoming parents, it is better to say that there are no other story scripts in our hearts. For example, in my instinct, the script for the scene \”My husband makes me dissatisfied\” is to engage in a cold war; in Dad B\’s instinct, the script for the scene when the child is disobedient is to beat him up… In our education, there are very few Carefully teach your children how to handle their emotions and deal with conflicts. It is the instinct of every child and even every adult to do what their mother did back then. Just like me, I certainly know that couples should communicate when they are in conflict, talk about it, and adjust when they are upset, but my \”knowing\” only stays in words and descriptions in books. I will still tend to instinctively, become more accustomed to, and more comfortable using the \”cold violence\” that I have experienced countless times from my mother. The relationship model between mother and child is the template for the child\’s relationship with others. The shadow of the original family and the strong inertia of the original trajectory are like a butterfly effect. Compared with \”why we live like our mothers\”, what deserves our vigilance is that this kind of violence is passed on to us by our parents, and it will be passed on to our children from us, reincarnating from generation to generation… Acceptance and Awareness is the key to stopping reincarnation. 1. Accept yourself: This incident is not my fault, but I can do better. Dan’s mother has always felt that many people have misunderstandings about the family of origin. Many mothers have told me that they know it is not good to get angry., but the more I know that getting angry is bad, the more I hate myself for getting angry. And after knowing that his explosive temper originated from his original family, he began to hate himself, his parents, and his fate even more. Perhaps it is this hatred, this anger that violence is destiny, that makes change more difficult. In fact, the purpose of analyzing the past is not to blame, but to let go. The end point of the family of origin should be self-acceptance. What is true self-acceptance? Dan’s mother believes that it includes three main points: • What I did was not good: admitting that violence is bad and admitting that children will be hurt • But it was not my fault: spanking children was not my intention, but I imitated it from my parents To the habit, I am also a victim, forgive yourself. Before trying to comfort your child, comforting the wounded part of your own life is the beginning of stopping your revenge. • Now I can do better: believe in my own strength, no longer worry about whether I am wrong, but look to the future and think about how to do better. A little progress is the beginning of change. 2. Of course you can control yourself as long as you want to. The prerequisite for control is that you want to and you can be aware of it. Regarding cold violence, I still have intermittent attacks, so I have no shame to give my own example. But as I mentioned at the beginning, Mother C, who loved to yell at her children in the friend group, changed a lot because of that discussion. In fact, she has long since discovered that her child is more and more like her childhood self – timid and unsociable. After that day\’s discussion, she began to realize that it was all because she was becoming more like her mother. She actively searched for methods of control and substitution: • She began to self-monitor. Whenever she found that her breathing was speeding up and there were signs of tearing syndrome, she would remind herself to take a deep breath, wash her face and drink water… (For more methods, please visit the official website. The backend reply of the account is Angry, check out Dan’s mother’s previous article \”How to Stay Not Angry in This Fucked Life\”)• She began to look for alternative reasonable punishments. She bought a small step and agreed on the rules with her daughter. When her daughter is naughty, When she wanted to roar, she would let the child stand on the steps according to the rules. After she calmed down, she would reason with the child and replace violence with rules. •She began to actively avoid conflict situations. She found that she and her daughter would be more irritable and prone to conflicts when staying at home, so she took her daughter out more. Outdoors, her daughter\’s naughty energy was released, and she also looked at trees. Becoming calmer over the course of the day. • However, in the first few months, she still couldn\’t help yelling. She began to record her changes and encourage herself to make progress. If she yelled at her children, she would apologize to them and explain to them that \”it\’s mom who\’s in a bad mood.\” This explanation was to tell the child, but also to remind herself invisibly… More than half a year later, she said that she had changed, yelled less, her mood was much better, and her daughter also began to change and became more cheerful. Talking about this experience, my friend said: \”Isn\’t it just to get angry at the child? Is it so troublesome to change this?\” The words she replied left a particularly deep impression on Dan’s mother: “You can’t do nothing and hope for everything to change. For my daughter, I think it’s worth it, and this kind of self-control makesI feel – it turns out that I have power. \”