If a child behaves like this, he or she is asking for help. Parents, don’t ignore it.

I believe that many parents have experienced times when their children are unreasonable, messy, and lose their temper in the process of raising children. For example: Because of the rain, we can’t have a picnic on the weekend, but the child ignores it and insists on going there; if he stays in bed late in the morning and is criticized, the child gets angry at you and blames you for not waking him up…Situations like this, It\’s really annoying. If you tolerate him or ignore him, he will become more and more violent and will never give up until he achieves his goal. And if you correct him, reprimand him, or punish him, he may temporarily stop, but it will alienate you. Either the education is lost or the relationship is damaged. It seems that no matter what you do, it will lead to some kind of adverse consequences. So – is there a way to transform children in a positive way without damaging the parent-child relationship? In fact, there is! Before giving the method, let’s first discuss: Why do children lose their temper? One possibility is external factors – the child encounters external difficulties but does not know how to deal with them. for example. 12-year-old Nini came home from school looking distraught. Nini: I failed in the exam, and it’s all your fault. Mom: Why do you blame me? Nini: I was reviewing in my room that day, and you were watching TV in the living room. It was so noisy. Mom: No, I only watched it for 30 minutes and then stopped watching it. Nini: That also affects my review! it was all your fault. Mom: That\’s enough! It\’s obvious that you didn\’t review well, so don\’t blame me! Nini saw that her mother was angry and did not dare to continue the argument, so she ran into the room crying. In fact, what her mother said was not wrong – it was Nini who was unable to admit and face the frustration of failing the exam, and instead blamed her mother. But pointing this out and arguing with her doesn\’t make her feel any better. On the contrary, it can further exacerbate the daughter\’s distraughtness and alienation from the mother-daughter relationship. In fact, what really aroused Nini\’s emotions was not the fact that her mother was watching TV at night, but that she failed in the exam even though she had clearly studied for it, and she didn\’t know what to do. If Nini\’s external dilemma could be understood and seen by her mother, the outcome would be much better. Another possibility is internal – the child feels confused but doesn\’t know how to express it. For example – 7-year-old Duoduo came home and angrily ran into the kitchen to complain to her mother: The school originally planned to visit the zoo today, but it was canceled because of rain. My mother was busy cooking at the time, so she replied \”Oh\” and ignored her. During dinner, Duoduo was unwilling to use chopsticks and insisted on eating dumplings. So his mother cooked his favorite leek dumplings, but Duoduo only took one bite and refused to eat them. Then, he clamored for peanut glutinous rice balls again… Mom finally couldn\’t stand it anymore: \”Are you done yet? Are you trying to embarrass me?\” After scolding, Duoduo immediately started crying, throwing bowls and chopsticks while crying… …Actually, mother is already trying hard to meet Duoduo\’s needs, but Duoduo doesn\’t seem to be satisfied, and continues to embarrass mother and add obstacles to her. Why is this so? Because what Duoduo really needs to solve is not what to eat for dinner at all; it is: How should he resolve the disappointment and anger in his heart when his trip to the zoo failed? If Duoduo\’s inner chaotic emotions could be seen, the result will be much better. In other words, when a child is unreasonable and loses his temper, the subtext behind him is actually: I feel so helpless and confused now, who can help me? What parents really have to do at this time is not to deny and blame, nor to obey and condone, but to see the child\’s helplessness and transform his confusion. It specifically includes 2 steps: Step 1: Acknowledge the child\’s real dilemma. Having to cancel a picnic/zoo trip, being criticized by a teacher for being late, or failing a test may not seem like much to adults; but in the eyes of young children, they are all big things and mean: loss of control, shame, and frustration. . When children do not know how to solve the current dilemma, they will unconsciously shirk responsibility, lose their temper, and cause trouble for adults to avoid their inner shame and frustration. At this time, parents can first try to admit their children\’s predicament: the weather changes at any time, making people unpredictable, and it is really helpless; it is not easy to get up early, and it is really embarrassing to be criticized by the teacher for being late; it is indeed embarrassing to review carefully but not do well in the exam. It will be uncomfortable… Such a response has two meanings: it makes the child realize that he is facing a dilemma; it makes the child feel that his parents are with him. In this way, the child will have more strength to face it and less reason to avoid it. Step 2: Mirror your child’s inner emotions. Just like children need to see themselves through a physical mirror to know what they look like; when children have internal emotional chaos, parents also need to be their children\’s \”emotional mirrors\”: mirror their children\’s inner emotions through language and help them identify their own emotions. Feel. When children are able to identify their own emotions, confusion disappears and sanity returns. Another mother, Xiaoling, once faced a similar situation to Duoduo\’s mother. Because of the rain, the school canceled the spring outing plan, and my daughter was depressed. At that time, Xiaoling adopted another way of responding – she reflected her daughter\’s appearance and emotions truthfully: \”I saw a little girl without a smile. She seemed very unhappy.\” The daughter glared at Xiaoling angrily. : \”Huh! I\’m very unhappy!\” Then the daughter told about the cancellation of the spring outing, and started to complain about the weather and the teacher. \”I think you must be very disappointed and dissatisfied with the teacher, right?\” Xiaoling continued. The daughter let out a long sigh: \”That\’s right! Who told the teacher to keep his word?\” Xiaoling responded: \”Thank you for telling me and letting me know your true thoughts.\” After hearing this sentence, her daughter seemed to be angry. It was reduced a little: \”Actually, you can\’t blame the teacher entirely. It\’s because of the weather, and the teacher can\’t do anything about it.\” \”Now it sounds like you are not so angry at the teacher.\” Xiaoling responded. The daughter nodded: \”Well, the teacher said, we will rearrange it when the weather gets better.\” After that, the daughter went back to her room to do her homework, and she never complained about it again. This is the process by which parents use \”mirror reflection\” to help their children identify chaotic emotions and transform irrational beliefs. The above two steps sound simple, but it is quite difficult to actually do it. There are two main reasons: First: we are used to evaluating and educating children. When a child feels out of control, ashamed and frustrated, not only is it easy to become emotional and lose his temper, but there are also a series ofExtreme ideas. For example: if it rains and cannot go on a spring outing, the child will lose his temper and blame the teacher for breaking his promise; if he fails in the exam, the child will lose his temper and blame his mother for watching TV. Faced with such situations, we often cannot help but give Make comments and correct the children: \”This is a problem with the weather. You cannot blame the teacher.\” \”This is your own problem. You cannot blame me.\” However, practice has proved that when facing a mirror, what children need is an \”image\”, not an \”image\”. \”Preaching\”. When a child is in a strong emotional state – he cannot listen to any words and cannot accept any constructive criticism; he only wants us to listen to his thoughts at the moment and understand his mood at the moment. Only in a safe environment where he is accepted and tolerated can he think correctly and make correct actions. Even if he didn\’t like his reflection in the mirror, he wanted to be able to decide the next steps to correct it. Therefore, when acting as an \”emotional mirror\” for their children, parents do not need to make value judgments about right and wrong, but only need to truthfully reflect their children\’s inner emotions. Second: We ourselves are never reflected in the mirror. Many parents have lived in an environment that lacked tolerance since childhood. When we experience emotional turmoil due to loss of control, shame, and frustration, adults often force us to make changes through criticism, preaching, or even punishment. In this atmosphere, our inner true emotions have never been mirrored, recognized and transformed. Therefore, when children are unreasonable and out of control, it becomes particularly difficult for us to mirror them. At this time, the first thing we have to do is not to deal with the child\’s emotional problems; rather, we need to find an \”emotional mirror\” to reflect our own emotions. You can try to join a parent support group – where you can express your emotions honestly and see your own feelings through the reflection of others in the group; you can try to enter a counseling relationship – where you can release your inner suppressed emotions and get help from a counselor , complete the identification and transformation bit by bit; you can practice self-care in daily life – hug the inner child that was once full of helplessness and chaos, and let your inner emotions be slowly caught; empower yourself in self-care, Accompany the inner child step by step to get out of the predicament and move towards self-integration. It is the homework of every parent to accompany the inner child to grow up slowly as an adult. As you grow, your children will grow up; as you mature, your children will also mature. At the end of my writing, I would like to add that when a child is unreasonable, messy, and loses his temper, transforming his inner chaotic emotions is not something that can be accomplished overnight. It often requires a lot of time, energy and patience from parents. We may not always be able to focus on our children’s needs. After all, we also have our own things, our lives are not easy, and we also need to take care of our emotions. When you really can\’t do it, you might as well try to admit your own dilemma and reflect your own helplessness: I really want to be better to my child and create a better growth environment for him; I have tried my best to do what I can. partThe rest is my limitation and the area where I still need to grow; no matter what, I must first be with myself, understand and take care of myself; then, I can support and embrace my children. ·····First take care of your own emotions, and then make an \”emotional mirror\” – mirror your child\’s inner emotions and witness your child\’s spontaneous corrections and changes. This is enough; this is great.