If our parents hurt us, should we blame them?

We talk too much about the harm caused to children by their families of origin, but no one tells us how to solve it and how to get rid of those lingering childhood harms. On this question, Mr. Winnie gave his own answer. He has been engaged in psychological research for more than 20 years. He has summarized these three methods of changing his mind in many consulting cases. He would like to share them with you here. I wish all those who have suffered from the torture of their original family All my friends can let go as soon as possible and regain their lives. The Boy Who Asks His Mom About Everything A sixth-grade boy came to me for consultation. He had to ask his mother many questions before he felt at ease, and he also needed her mother to accompany him when doing his homework. The child did not have these phenomena before the fifth grade. Why did it happen later? After several questioning, the child finally told the reason. One day in the sixth grade, the child played the game twice, but ended up playing it once more. When the mother found out, she scolded the child for an hour, asking why he couldn\’t do what he promised. Why would you lie to the people closest to you? After that, the child began to ask his mother about everything before he could feel at ease. Until now, the child still needs his mother to accompany him when doing homework, and he only feels at ease after asking his mother about various homework questions. From Neglected to Becoming Stubborn A 12-year-old boy was withdrawn and did not want to interact with others. He told me about his childhood experiences, which was heartbreaking. Since kindergarten, his parents have been busy with business and have no time to take care of him. He always watches TV and plays by himself at home. When his parents came home, they would get angry at him and beat and scold him at every turn. Therefore, when he is with his parents, he is often in a nervous and painful mood, and he will be scolded if he does something wrong. Therefore, he has a very low self-esteem, is particularly concerned about other people\’s evaluations, and does not like to interact with others. His parents often forced him, so he became very stubborn, because only in this way can he get a little free space; his parents did not understand him, so he did not understand others, and he would be unhappy and angry at the smallest things. In this way, his character naturally gradually becomes withdrawn; reality makes him uncomfortable and painful, but the virtual world of the Internet is happy. Therefore, he just wants to immerse himself in the world of online games alone. Injury from the original family of two mothers. Faced with painful childhood experiences, some people feel heartbroken when they think about it, and their childhood has left an inescapable shadow. Some people believe that their current pain comes from the suppression of their parents, so they are angry. I hated it and started to attack my parents. One mother said: \”After reading a lot of parenting books, I learned that many of my unhappiness stemmed from my childhood. The more I learned about it, the more I couldn\’t let it go. After labeling myself, I started holding a magnifying glass. It makes me very painful to look for all the hurts in my childhood in my memories.\” Another mother said: Before I came into contact with Teacher Pooh, my life was pessimistic and negative. I have lived with my parents\’ scolding and extreme discipline since I was a child. In the eyes of my parents, I don\’t feel recognized. Even the most ordinary posture will be criticized by my parents. In order to cater to and please my parents, I am more well-behaved and sensible than most people my age, but I always get cold looks and scoldings from my parents. The most unbearable thing is that my parents never take into account my dignity in public and scold me loudly, which makes me feel ashamed.I often think about suicide. Growing up in this kind of environment, I had a low self-esteem when I entered society. I cared a lot about other people\’s opinions and always tried to find ways to get approval from others. The relationship with my parents has always been very weak. However, now I have learned from Teacher Winnie to put myself in someone else\’s shoes and understand that my parents love me very much, but they just use the wrong method of love. Our personality, psychology, interpersonal relationships, and the way we educate our children will be significantly affected by our family of origin. Recognizing this problem can help us accept ourselves and avoid excessive self-blame. Because many of our problems stem from our parents, not all of them are our own faults. Similarly, parents\’ education methods and personalities may come from their families of origin, so don\’t put all the responsibility on your parents. Use three kinds of thinking to learn to understand parents. If our parents hurt us, should we blame them? Parents are naturally responsible, can blame, and can vent their anger and resentment. But if you are immersed in resentment, you will not be able to change the past and will make yourself miserable. The past is there, you can look at it this way, you can look at it that way, whether it is painful or not is just a thought. Therefore, in order to no longer suffer, you might as well understand your parents, use three kinds of thinking to re-view that experience, and change your understanding of your childhood experience. Looking at the positive side of things, now that I think about it, my experience of being ignored as a child also has good aspects. For example, it made me pay more attention to other people\’s emotions and feelings, and I will not neglect others. It was precisely because I was extremely depressed and had low self-esteem that I persisted in reading and sought psychological help in an effort to rebuild my inner world. Now, I\’ve grown a little bit. With the help of Teacher Winnie, I learned cognitive therapy and realized the importance of improving my thinking patterns, which was of great help to my inner growth. This kind of change and growth is difficult to experience for people who have had smooth sailing since childhood. In addition, I will also avoid making the same mistakes as my parents when educating my children. This is where the value of that experience lies. It’s normal. Not many parents have so many children and life is difficult. It’s normal to ignore the spiritual needs of their children, because first they need to be fed and clothed! It is understandable that parents have shortcomings in their character. Their native family had many problems and their childhood was unhappy, which is helpless to say the least. Even under such economic conditions, my parents supported me in going to college. Compared with ordinary rural parents, this is already a very long-term perspective. At that time, most parents in the village would let their children drop out of school and go home to do farm work. Although my parents initially wanted me to drop out of school, they saw that I was very determined to go to school, so they agreed to continue supporting my education. The family was in dire straits at the time, but I don’t remember them complaining about anything when I was at home. Sometimes my father would find trouble to vent to his mother because he was angry outside, but he rarely lost his temper with us children, let alone hit us. This is also a rare display of restraint and rationality. Both parents are very strong people. After we got married, they were afraid of disrupting our lives. We took care of any problems our parents had. They could easily be satisfied with our little filial piety and repayment. They are hard-working and kind-hearted parents, how can you resent them anymore? Now think about it, I am in my parents, I have been entangled in my non-returnable childhood life for so many years, and it is really not worth it to go back to the starting point to find reasons whenever there is a problem! Instead of wasting a lot of time and energy in entanglements, it is better to face the current difficulties, find solutions, and let yourself grow. Do what you can and let nature take its course. Now I understand a truth. People are not born equal. From birth, we are people from different countries, different races, different family conditions, and different personalities. The starting point of each person is They are all different, this is the truth that needs to be faced. After all, a person\’s ability is limited, and he can\’t do whatever he wants. This may be a person\’s \”destiny\”. Accept the facts first, so that you can have the energy to learn and introspect, do what I can do, and let the rest take its course. Thank you, Mr. Winnie. After thinking about it this way, I feel much more relaxed. The past is over, the present and the future are the most important. Although the formation of psychology and personality is related to the education of parents, it is not very helpful to put the responsibility on parents. You still have to take responsibility yourself and solve the current problems.