If this link is missing in education, boys will not become good husbands

University of Virginia psychologist James Kaon and his colleagues conducted such a psychological experiment. James told the women participating in the experiment that they were about to receive electric shocks. In Experiment 1, women were not allowed to hold anyone\’s hand. In Experiment 2, women were allowed to hold a stranger\’s hand. In Experiment 3, women were allowed to hold their husband\’s hand. (The shock didn\’t actually happen.) Meanwhile, James and his colleagues will examine the women\’s brains using MRIs. They found that women felt fearful when they held a stranger\’s hand, or were unable to hold anyone\’s hand. And the level of fear is the same. When women were able to hold their husband\’s hand, there was an interesting change in their fear levels. Women who thought they were happily married had the \”fear\” response areas in their brains completely shut down, meaning they didn\’t feel \”fear.\” Women who thought they were unhappy in their marriages had this area of ​​their brains shut down a little, but not completely. That is, they will feel scared, but less scared than if they were holding a stranger\’s hand, or not holding anyone\’s hand. This experiment shows that the comfort from a husband\’s touch can alleviate women\’s fears. Even women who are dissatisfied with their marriage can gain comfort from their husband\’s comfort. The small comforting act of holding your wife\’s hand can greatly improve the relationship between husband and wife, but why do many wives complain that they cannot get comfort from their husbands? Because many men simply cannot feel what emotions their wives are going through, and even if they can, they don\’t know how to soothe their wives\’ emotions. I once heard about a marital argument that had no resolution. The husband asked his wife: What are you angry about? The wife said: I feel aggrieved when you said that to me just now. The husband looked confused: What is there to feel wronged about? The wife said again: I have done so much and you still talk about me like this. Shouldn’t I feel aggrieved? The husband said: Why are you so stingy? Didn\’t I just say a few words to you? The wife became even more angry: Why am I so stingy? Should I suffer if I am wronged? The husband became impatient and said: Why are you so angry? Aren\’t you stingy? When the wife explains to her husband why she is angry, the husband cannot understand his wife\’s emotions. When the wife explained the reasons for her emotions, the husband accused her of being \”stingy\” because he felt that her wife should not have such \”emotions.\” The accusations intensified the conflict between the two. Why can’t many men “understand” women’s emotions? The most likely reason is that men have received \”manly education\” since childhood that is not conducive to their learning of \”emotions\”. Boys have too many \”no-no\’s\” when it comes to their emotions. For example: \”You should be brave and shouldn\’t be afraid.\” \”You should be like a man and shouldn\’t care.\” \”Why cry? Men don\’t shed tears easily.\” \”Men should act cool.\”… In the hearts of many men, some emotions should not occur. If it occurs, it should be suppressed. How can a person who often suppresses his own emotions understand and appreciate the emotions of others? How can I be comforted if I can\’t even understand and show consideration? Education that suppresses emotions is more likely to make boys grow up to be \”straight men\”, whileNot a \”warm guy\”. How will men\’s emotional insensitivity affect the quality of marriage? A marital therapist shared the story of one of his students. He has two students, a couple. The couple has been married for 20 years. Over the past 20 years, they have both devoted a lot to their families—the two have worked hard to balance their busy careers, raise children, solve family financial problems, and deal with various relationships. You might think that such a couple should know each other very well. But the opposite is true. The wife described the feeling of marriage this way: During the 20 years we have been married, we seem to be speaking different languages. If someone you live with for a long time never understands what you are saying, then in the end both of you will just yell at each other to make the other person pay more attention to you. Sometimes I yell at him, just hoping that one day he will miraculously understand what I\’m saying. Over the years, our voices have become louder and louder when we speak. When one person cannot understand the other person\’s emotions, no matter how much they talk to each other, it is not \”communication\” but talking to themselves. The irony is that men are not born insensitive to emotions, they are trained to be insensitive. Edward Tronick, a child psychologist who specializes in studying mother-infant interactions, and colleagues at Harvard Medical School found that boys are actually more emotionally sensitive than girls. Human biologist Judy Chu conducted a two-year study of four- and five-year-old boys and found that they were just as keen as girls their age when it came to understanding the emotions of others and developing friendships. But by the time boys reach first grade (and some perhaps earlier), they are more likely to exhibit \”silent\” and \”stoic\” behaviors and maintain greater emotional distance from their friends. A study by Emory University also found that compared with sons, fathers smiled more at their daughters, showed more sadness, and used more \”analytical\” language when talking to their daughters; Then more \”achievement\” language will be used, such as \”winning\” and \”proud\”. Therefore, boys are not born insensitive to emotions. It is their education that gradually makes them learn to suppress their emotions and feel that emotions are not important and achievements are more important. They pay a price for it—they gradually lose their emotional sensitivity. When entering into a marriage, a man will have a lot of trouble because he has difficulty responding to his wife\’s emotions. How to help a boy grow into a considerate man who can provide \”emotional support\” to his wife? It\’s not that difficult. When raising boys, parents should allow boys to experience all of their own emotions and not judge their children\’s emotions. This is sending a message to boys – there is no right or wrong in emotions, and you don\’t need to feel ashamed or afraid that you have certain emotions, and there is no need to deny that you have these emotions. When parents find that their children are emotional, they should not prevent their children from experiencing emotions, and they should even help them understand their own emotions. Parents can help their children talk about their feelings and help them understand what emotions they are actually experiencing. You can say, \”I know you\’re angry because you lost and feel frustrated. Or, \”You\’re angry right now. I guess it\’s because you feel disappointed that your dad didn\’t take you to play.\” \”I see you are angry. Can you tell me what happened?\” \”These words of parents not only comfort their children, but also teach them how to appease other people\’s emotions. A boy who has been learning \”emotions\” since he was a child is more likely to become a man with high emotional intelligence. When he enters marriage, he will be more sensitive If you are more aware of your wife\’s emotions, you will be better at giving her emotional support. A marriage that can understand and support each other emotionally will certainly be happier.