If you can\’t do these two things, how dare you say you love your children? Parents should take a closer look

As a parent, you want to give your children the best. As long as the children are happy, parents are willing to pay no matter how much they have to do. Doting on children has become a human instinct and psychological need. Even spending good resources on oneself will feel \”wasted\”. But while we can\’t help but want to pamper our children, we are also worried about whether this will \”spoil\” our children. So every time I want to pamper my child, I hesitate and keep asking myself, is this okay? Do you spoil your children? Sometimes, we don’t want to pamper our children intentionally, but we just don’t know how to truly love our children. Two major misunderstandings in the name of love: Pleasing love: Pleasing love is based on the happiness of the child. As long as the child doesn\’t cry, doesn\’t make trouble, and can laugh happily, it\’s good. But when we regard the happiness of our children as the goal of parenting, doting will follow. \”Good children don\’t cry\” is a common mistake made by parents. In other words, if you don\’t cry, you are a good child, if you cry, you are not a good child. We educate our children with the values ​​​​we grew up with, which brings about children\’s emotional bias. \”Smart\” children will choose to cry to threaten parents who don\’t want their children to cry. As soon as the child cries, he immediately surrenders and throws away all the parenting knowledge he has learned before. The first reaction is how to stop the child from crying. This stress response is very dangerous. It can only provide temporary peace under compromise, but it does not teach children how to effectively interact with others and the world. In the long run, it will give children the illusion that the world is centered on me, and crying can make adults compromise. There was conditional love for a while, and Xiaoyou was taken care of by her grandmother. That Friday, I went to my grandma\’s house to pick her up. She held my hand and didn\’t let go. After dinner, she made a fuss about going home. I feel like Xiaoyou is a little abnormal. Youyou, who usually loves being with grandma the most, is so eager to leave today. I asked Youyou if you had a good time at grandma\’s house? She replied, \”Grandma doesn\’t love me, I hate her.\” I talked to my mother on the phone that night, and then I understood Youyou\’s reaction. It turns out that grandma felt that Youyou was 4 years old and was afraid of spoiling the child, so she couldn\’t agree to all her unreasonable requests. Youyou\’s grandma usually feeds Youyou when she eats, but that day, her grandma gave Youyou a pair of chopsticks and asked her to eat by herself, and said, \”Grandma has a hard time taking care of you. You must be obedient, otherwise grandma won\’t like you anymore.\” Youyou acted coquettishly, but grandma ignored her. I don\’t mean to blame Grandma Youyou. After all, letting the elderly take care of the children will only result in faults and little credit. It\’s just that the old man\’s approach is a bit too absolute. There is always a process from feeding children to eating by themselves. In this way, if you are obedient, you will like you, if you are disobedient, you will be disliked. Grandma\’s love has become \”conditional love\” in Youyou\’s eyes. Love is unconditional, but it must be principled. Love is unconditional. Each of us needs to be praised, cared for and encouraged, let alone children? The so-called unconditional love means unconditional acceptance of a child, regardless of his strengths or weaknesses. Let your children feel the warmth from home at all times and tell you anything without feeling ashamed, don’t worry about you criticizing him. For example, if your child does not do well in school and makes mistakes and is criticized by the teacher, you can tell you his experience. As parents, we show understanding and sympathy and teach them how to solve problems instead of simply criticizing and beating them. This is called unconditional love. Love must be principled. The child\’s desires and requirements should be paid attention to and appropriately satisfied, making him feel worthy of being cared for and loved. But this love must have principles, and this principle is \”restriction\”: for example, when a child sees a mess of things in the supermarket and wants them, then agree with him that he is only allowed to take one thing; if he particularly loves something very For expensive things, you have to make an agreement. If you can do it within two months and don’t buy other toys, we will buy this one; when you go to the amusement park to play, make an agreement that you can choose 5 amusement facilities and buy two snacks and A small gift. Such limited satisfaction not only resolves disputes and masters the degree of love and doting, but also has a greater benefit, that is, it allows the child to feel more precious happiness and allows him to take every choice seriously. Be grateful for every gift. It has never been an easy task to avoid educating children with a sharp tongue and a soft heart. \”Knife mouth but tofu heart\” is even more taboo in education. We often feel helpless when our children cry. Parents who are more anxious often can\’t stand their children\’s cries that are ineffective in persuading them, so they have to use their trump card: \”Don\’t cry, I\’ll beat you if you cry again!\” At this time, your heart is soft, and you are afraid that your child will cry badly. As a result, your stern scolding did not stop the child from crying, and your stubbornness made you choose to persuade him with kind words. \”Okay, okay, don\’t cry, mom will buy you ice cream\” or \”Okay, okay, don\’t cry, mom will let you play for a while longer…\” The weakness in execution makes you gradually feel that you are not good at disciplining your children, and Children also begin to understand the power of their own cries. On the contrary, we can be gentle, but our principles must be firm. There was a time when Xiaoyou was playing like crazy and didn\’t want to go home. I would firmly say: \”Play for five more minutes and I will definitely go back!\” She would definitely resist and start acting coquettishly. I responded to her emotions gently, \”I know you are reluctant, and you haven\’t played enough yet.\” But I will resolutely implement the principle. \”Mom told you, play for half an hour at a time, and now there are two minutes left, and you can play again at most.\” I’ll give you five minutes!” After saying this, she would still be very sad and cry and scream as loud as she could. I will continue to tell her gently and calmly – \”I know you want to play, you are very sad and sad. You can cry for a while, and mom will stay with you until you calm down.\” During this whole process, I accepted Xiaoyou\’s emotions instead of trying to stop her from crying. But I accompanied her with love to get through this uncomfortable emotion and told her how to control her emotions. At the same time, I did not compromise my enforcement of the rules because of her crying.