If you don’t want your children to hate you for the rest of their lives, just do these two things

My mother has been taking care of little October since he was born until he is now two years old. My mother, the daughter of an extremely poor family, was born in a mountainous area. Her grandfather favored sons over daughters. He disliked her, beat her, and treated her like a farm tool. Later, she encountered great turmoil, the harm of the times + the tragedy of the family, which caused her to look back on her childhood. There is almost no happiness at all. At the age of 18, I married my father and faced greater poverty and violence. An unhappy childhood and unhappy life caused deep trauma in her heart, with little hope of healing. And because I have never studied, I lack the ability to change, and I am unable to detect and reflect on myself. I always feel that I am a victim, and I am full of resentment towards people and things, which leads me to subconsciously acquiesce in violence. My siblings and I have grown up, and her emotions no longer cause us much trouble because we will resist them. However, Little October, that new-born, soft and innocent child, had to face his mother\’s moodiness. He timidly stood amidst her violence, without any possibility of escaping, rejecting or fighting back. Just crying, just crying… Yesterday, the baby peed twice on the bed and refused to eat, making the mother angry again. She scolded the baby as \”dead baby\” and \”I\’m going to beat you to death\”, and she didn\’t stop for a long time. I stopped her forcefully and she became even more angry. Because she felt attacked by my accusation, and her emotions surged out. The baby cried out in fear again, with tears streaming down her little face. He came close to her, took her hand, and cried: Grandma, grandma, hug…Grandma shook her off roughly, still throwing a tantrum. She projected her dissatisfaction with Little October\’s parents onto the child, scolding him, and blaming him. The child already understood everything. He could not shirk it or refute it. He only became more frightened, panicked, and got closer. Grandma, grandma… Grandma hugs the baby, grandma hugs the baby… Grandma, grandma… The crying is getting louder and louder, like calling, like asking for help, like shouting. I hugged him: Zaizai, hold me, grandma, I’m not in a good mood right now. Can you please leave me alone? Zaizai, shall we go to the room and play? He resisted, insisting that his grandma love him and warm him again – as if it was his fault – he would be frightened and panicked if he did not receive her forgiving embrace. I was almost in tears. So many children, with their weak bodies and minds, silently and irresistibly bear so much trauma for unhappy adults. They are unable to express their countless grievances. They had no choice but to endure all the suffering. There are scars of varying depths in those soft souls. What can be done? If the adults cannot give them true love and protection, but instead attack them, they will have no choice but to slowly, in their hearts, grow spears, swords, arrows, armor, and high walls. Grow poison and grow thorns to fight against this hostile world. He will gradually say: I don\’t. He will gradually say: You go! However, adults who are unable to realize themselves have no idea that all this is happening. As a matter of course, we continue to accuse and complain, continue to project and attack, and inflict hatred and resentment on him. That night, Little October had a dream. He was curled up in the blanket, sweating profusely, restless, and murmuring in his sleep: Grandma is angry……My heart is filled with sorrow and tears flow again. Then he remembered that his sister took him out to play a few days ago. It was getting late, and the little guy was having fun and didn\’t want to go home, so his sister said: If he doesn\’t obey me, his mother will lose him. Zaizai\’s color suddenly changed, he was frightened, his eyes widened, and he said: Don\’t throw it away, mom, don\’t throw it away… Psychology has long reiterated that among all relationships in the world, the biggest fear is to be abandoned. However, when the child is two years old, we unconsciously place this ultimate pain in front of him and force him to deal with it. My sister said: Okay, mom, don’t throw it away, mom was just joking. He quieted down. More than ten minutes later, she suddenly repeated: Mom, don’t lose your baby… Go home at night, eat, wash, play, sleep. After falling asleep, you will also dream and talk in your sleep: Don’t lose your baby… This is how we act as guardians ! This is how we do evil while still giving birth to the illusion that we are loving fathers and mothers! No one is innocent! No one is a kind person! In daily life, maybe you and I have a narcissistic illusion: I am rational, I am gentle, I am compassionate. However, in front of children, it is like facing a mirror, and all the ugliness appears in its true form: Didn\’t you say you are well-educated? Look at your ferocious appearance, look at your cold words, look at you devil! He clearly understands the methods of thunder, but speaks of the bodhisattva\’s heart. It is clear that the words of snakes and scorpions are said to be unparalleled in maternal love. The scariest thing is that we don’t know it. Once, an acquaintance said with a smile, don\’t take your children too seriously. If you don\’t beat or scold them, they will be lawless. I immediately looked at the really \”lawless\” child, was silent for a long time, and finally sighed: It\’s all fate! Another person said that if a child is not scolded, he will not be effective. He must be scolded, otherwise he will not be able to adapt to society! I looked at her and said in my heart: When your child grows up and confronts you tit for tat, or even yells at you, don’t regret it! If you are unkind, he will be unfilial. Resentment and resentment, this is reincarnation. How many adults are using the name of education and the excuse of punishment to vent their emotions on the weak. The weak suffer this injustice and vent it on even weaker people… They vent their emotions layer by layer, and those who suffer in the end are, He is the softest, most innocent baby who has not yet learned to attack. He endured everything without saying a word, and with his weak body, he accumulated all the evils in the family, big and small. He won’t say: Mom and Dad, I’m in so much pain. He would only dream at night and murmur in panic, expressing his subconscious fears and the pain in his growth. The pain is passed down from generation to generation. If you want to end it, where do you start? Only from ourselves. Li Xue, a famous mother-infant relationship psychologist, said: When you can\’t control yourself and want to be hysterical about your child, you have two choices. One is to deceive yourself and others: I am educating my child for the sake of my child. One is introspection: I have a lot of anger and pain in my heart that needs to be realized and healed. I have also been hurt by my parents in this way. This is the karma passed down from generation to generation in our family. I am willing to know myself and grow myself through the parent-child relationship. . The unfortunate reincarnation of my family must be borne by me, and it will end with me. So I chatted with my mother. electedOne leisurely afternoon, the nanny finished cleaning and cooked the meal. There was only me, her, and little October at home. We were sitting on the sofa, watching the little guy chasing a ball, running over laughing and quacking, filled with joy. I know I should blame, but I also know that blaming will not help the progress of the matter and will only make the person involved more angry. You are on the right side and she is on the wrong side. It is even more useless to confront each other. What\’s more, the mother has worked hard to take care of the child for two years, doing all the housework and looking after her day and night. She is only sick and has not recovered at all. She feels aggrieved and has long been unfair. If you complain again, it will be unfair to her. What can truly save a relationship is acceptance and love. What is more important than right or wrong is respect, understanding and comfort. When the thorns in her heart fall, fertile soil will emerge. I looked into her eyes and said softly: Mom, I understand you. Think about how hard your life has been. When you were a child, no one really cared about you. It was so hard and tiring. Later, I hope that your father will love you. Well, in the end, I quarreled with you every day and suffered all kinds of hardships. I became sick from exhaustion and couldn’t get anything. I have been suffering for most of my life. Now I help my sister take care of the child. My back hurts so much that I can’t even stand up, and my head hurts. To put it bluntly, it’s still thankless… So, I think it’s normal for you to lose your temper sometimes. I can understand you. No matter how you are, I will take care of you and love you. Mom, you don’t have to worry. As for me… I saw my mother\’s tears welling up in my eyes little by little. This was the second time in my memory that she shed tears in front of me. The first time was because she was domestically abused by her father in the street. She was so ashamed and angry that she came to me and cried uncontrollably. The second time, she shed tears because all the misery was understood. She said: I know I have a bad temper, but I am really hurt… Little October ran over and said in a sweet voice: Grandma is crying! He took out the paper from the paper box, raised his head, and raised his hands to help his grandma wipe away her tears. That afternoon, we talked a lot, about the past, the current situation, our children, and the future. It has always been like this. In the midst of indifference and hostility, everyone will defend hard and retreat coldly. But in warmth and safety, we will soften into water, lower our heads, and see our own imperfections. Gradually, the mother began to reflect on herself: I know it\’s wrong to be angry with my child, but sometimes I can\’t control it. What do you think I should do? I said, it doesn\’t matter. It\’s normal to have a temper. Just remember two points. The first one is to tell yourself before getting angry that you will endure it for one more minute. Then during this minute, think about it. Zaizai really means to cause trouble. Of? Is this his fault? Do you really need to scold him like that? If you think about it this way, your anger will be extinguished a lot. The second thing is that no matter how you control it, you still get angry. After that, you have to apologize to Zaizai and tell him that it is not his fault, but that you can\’t control yourself. You will pay attention to it in the future. Please He forgives! But the mother did not apologize. I was a little disappointed at the time, but I accepted it after thinking about it. After all, for her, apologizing was an unprecedented thing and therefore seemed unspeakable. After dinner in the evening, mother went back to her room to rest, and Little October also went to play. I\’m done with what I\’m doingAfterwards, I wanted to go in, but before I opened the door, I heard my mother\’s gentle voice: Zai Zai, please forgive grandma. Grandma sometimes gets angry because she has a lot of anger in her heart, not because you did something wrong. Zai Zai is The best Zai Zai… I leaned against the door, my heart surged, and I burst into tears again. Life tells you with this kind of situation right before your eyes that if there is love, no matter whether it is sad or happy, it will make you want to cry. Of course, life is not an excerpt, but a series that lasts for hundreds of years. In each episode, there are contradictions that arise out of the blue, and there are also pains that arise from the ground. Maybe you succeeded in the last episode, but failed completely in the next episode. It doesn\’t matter, you just need to remember two things: 1. Love means doing what he wants, not what you want. 2. Distinguish what is the child\’s mistake and what is your emotion. If it belongs to a child, please correct it gently and teach it kindly. If it is yours, please take responsibility for it. If it unfortunately causes harm, you must be brave enough to take responsibility and apologize.