If you have a child with a bad temper, be sure to understand these 4 effects and do not confront the child head-on.

A mother asked for help on Zhihu: The child\’s temper has become particularly bad now and he will smash things when he is unhappy. How should he be educated? She said that one time during lunch, she asked her child to turn off the TV, but the child refused and hit her hard with the remote control. At that time, the child\’s father said a few words to him, and he started crying. The father was forced to slap him hard in the face. But even so, the child\’s temper was not suppressed. When his father dragged him towards the dining table, he even threw the bowl on the table and stood aside to secretly compete. The child was so angry that he didn\’t eat any of the meal. The mother complained: She is really helpless when it comes to her child’s temper! Through the screen, one can feel the helplessness of parents. The most helpless thing for parents is that when their children lose their temper, parents have no other choice but to deal with it by beating, scolding or yelling. However, once a child loses his temper, parents\’ confrontation will only make the child more and more rebellious. Educating children requires routines and techniques. When faced with a child who has a tantrum, smart parents will do these four steps, and the child will become better and better. The first step is to learn the \”Twelve Second Effect\” to calm down. Mothers often leave messages in the background saying that \”the child\’s temper is so bad that it\’s a headache\”: It\’s not what you want, the child throws around; no matter what you say during meals, he just refuses to eat vegetables. , screams if he says another word; if he wants to buy something, he will cry and make a fuss at his mother if he is not satisfied; every time the child cries, no matter how much he is coaxed, it is useless, and only a beating and scolding can make him obedient… The child is angry Temper, many parents\’ coping strategy is: use violence to fight violence. However, sometimes a child may seem to be in a bad mood, but in fact there is more inferiority and vulnerability hidden in his bones, which will stay with him throughout his life. Emotional parents are like a sharp weapon that hurts children, hurting their children\’s hearts. A netizen told her experience: \”I have been living with my mother since I was a child. Perhaps because of the pressure of life, my mother has become extremely emotional. When I am in a good mood, she takes me to buy beautiful clothes. When I am in a bad mood, I pick up food. Living with my mother\’s violent emotions for a long time has made my temper even more extreme, and sometimes I can be submissive and demanding even if someone says a few words to me. It takes a long time to look up. \”Many parents lack the ability to calm down and are always affected by negative emotions, causing their children to have unhealthy personalities throughout their lives. There is a \”twelve-second effect\” in psychology: it refers to stormy anger that often lasts no more than 12 seconds. When parents are angry, as long as they control these 12 seconds, they can resolve the negative emotions. When you force yourself to calm down for twelve seconds, you will find that when we truly relax emotionally, you will accept the child\’s bad mood and even calm the child\’s anger. Someone has said: When you are with people with strong energy magnetic fields and high emotional value, you will also become optimistic, cheerful and emotionally stable; when you are with people who are emotionally unstable, you will easily become irritable and irritable. The emotional value of parents is the future character development of their children. If parents can give their children a higher emotional value, they are actually saying to their children: It’s okay to have emotions, but they must learn to control them. Over time, the child will become a calm and calm person. The second step is to use the \”pedal effect\”\”, learn to stand in the child\’s position. In psychology, there is a \”pedal effect\”: it is about a psychological state that cannot be empathized with. Psychologists have made a hypothesis: We catch the bus during rush hour. When we follow the When the dark crowd rushes to the bus, looking at the crowd in front of us, we feel very anxious. At this time, we especially hope that the people in front can move into the bus and move out of the way. Finally, when we use. After trying our best to step on the bus pedal, we thought we could relax. However, the people behind us were still pushing hard. At this time, we felt deeply bored and hoped that they would stop pushing us. The change in identity makes us suddenly forget the hardships we experienced just a second ago. This psychological change tells us: everyone often thinks about their own discomfort, without taking into account the feelings of the other person\’s parents. The same is true. If you habitually care about your own feelings and feel that your child\’s tantrum makes you uncomfortable, you will ignore the child\’s feelings. The lack of understanding and empathy between parents and children will make the relationship worse and worse. The book \”The Neglected Child\” says: \”A child\’s emotions are like flowing water, and the source is his heart. If a barrier is set up in front of the water, the water will either bypass the barrier and change its flow direction, or it will have to flow back to the source. This also means that the child will inflict emotions on himself and hurt himself. \”When we face a child\’s emotions, we must understand: Behind the behavior of the child are hidden words that we cannot see. We must understand the \”accusation\” behind the child\’s emotions: when a child is angry and yells, He may be feeling angry and frustrated, such as not getting what he wants. He may be crying because he is dissatisfied with his parents\’ behavior and wants to attract attention and seek attention and care from adults. Sometimes, there is a conflict between parents and children. A sense of empathy and kindness that extends to others are the beginning of continuation of love. We put ourselves in the perspective of the child, \”empathize\” with his emotions, and then ask more: Why do you do this? What are your thoughts now? Only when you learn to look at the problem from the child\’s perspective can you have emotional communication with your child. The third step is to use the \”third party effect\” to communicate with another person. A few days ago, my friend complained to me that my child likes to talk to me. When she asked her children to turn off the TV and go to sleep at night, the children would talk back: \”You can play with your phone, why can\’t I watch TV?\” \”When you get home from school and ask him to do his homework quickly, he will also complain: \”You can lie down when you get home, why can\’t I play? \”If you talk a little too much, the child will slam the door and lose his temper. Later, the friend changes his strategy and starts to praise him. Sometimes when the child does well, he praises him: \”You have been very active recently, please continue to persevere! \”After hearing this, the child still scolded him: \”Mom, if you don\’t want to praise me, then don\’t praise him. It\’s too fake. \”My friend said: It\’s not okay to scold or praise, he will talk back to whatever he says. Why can\’t children listen to what parents say? Because if the same person often educates children, it will cause children\’s hearing immunity. In psychology, there is A \”third party effect\” experiment. They divided the subjects into two groups to conduct a smoking cessation experiment. The first group: those with lung cancer talked to smokers.Explain the harm and pain caused by smoking to persuade smokers to quit smoking. The other group: A third-party doctor explained the disadvantages of smoking to smokers objectively and in detail based on his clinical experiment reports. The resulting data showed that 35% of the people in the group persuaded by lung cancer patients started to quit smoking, while 70% of the group persuaded by a third party decided to quit smoking. This is the \”third party effect\”. Using the words of a third person to persuade a person is more convincing than direct persuasion. When we encounter \”the child just doesn\’t listen no matter what we say\” in parent-child communication, we need to use the \”third party effect\” to communicate with the child. For example, I would say to my children: \”The teacher said you have worked really hard this semester, so keep it up.\” \”Dad said you are better than him now. He couldn\’t get 90 points in the exam before, but you can.\” \”Grandma said that you have become more sensible when you grow up. Losing your temper is a bad behavior.\” This method of using \”third-party language\” not only allows children to listen, but also increases the number of children through other people\’s good comments. The child\’s self-confidence. There is a boy who is very introverted. Even at the age of 10, he is still afraid of talking to strangers, no matter how much his parents encourage him. Once, she asked her son to go to the grocery store downstairs to buy salt, but his son was reluctant to go at first. Mom said: The grocery store owner said that you are very sensible and can help mom do a lot of things. He has praised you many times. In fact, you are very good. Later, when the boy went to buy salt, the grocery store owner also praised him for his ability. When the boy heard the compliment, he smiled sheepishly and ran home. Since then, the boy has become less timid and more cheerful. Some words said by parents have no weight, but the meaning becomes different when another person says them. The fourth step is to master the \”Hawthorne Effect\” and see the needs of children. I have read this story: A mother came home from get off work and found that her daughter was unhappy. No matter how she shouted, her daughter just didn\’t speak. The mother was exhausted after a day\’s work and had to deal with her daughter\’s bad mood. She couldn\’t help yelling at the child: \”Are you acting hot again?\” As a result, the daughter lay on the table and cried. Later I found out that my daughter heard a neighbor making fun of her and said, \”Mom likes her brother.\” She also felt that her mother cared about her brother every time and only asked her to do her homework when she came back. She didn\’t care about her at all, and she also felt that her mother didn\’t love her. , so he got angry in front of his mother. No child gets angry for no reason. Children who lose their temper may appear to be strong and unreasonable, but in fact they long for attention and love in their hearts. There is a famous psychological effect in psychology called: Hawthorne effect. At a factory in the United States called Hawthorne, work efficiency has been greatly reduced, and employees have been complaining. Therefore, psychologists conducted interviews with employees for two years. They asked employees to provide opinions on the factory without limiting the content. During the interviews, workers boldly expressed their dissatisfaction and needs at work. Unexpectedly, the workers\’ efficiency at work improved a lot after the interviews. This effect also tells us: when people realize that they are being noticed by others, they will subconsciously change their behavior and methods. If a child starts to get angry or upset for no reason, we need to talk to the childCommunicate deeply with the child to explore the child’s true heart and make him feel valued. So how do you make your children feel valued? First of all, pay attention to the child\’s emotions first, and be aware of the child\’s psychological changes at any time. Then when communicating, you can use language such as \”I feel\” to express your concern for the child. Secondly, encourage children to express their emotions. When communicating, you can use language such as \”I hope\” to guide your child to express his feelings and demands, and teach him to express his emotions. Finally, use affirmative and constructive language to teach children to handle emotions correctly. For example: I know you are very angry now, how about you try to eat something you like to vent? Only by empathizing, accepting and understanding from the child\’s perspective and letting the child feel love and warmth can education be truly effective. Some psychologists have said: The reason why children lose their temper is because their psychological needs are not met, and children\’s needs mainly include three aspects: companionship, exploration, and confirmation of their own importance. Parents should learn to peer into their children\’s hearts and not just look at the surface. When a child has emotions, it may be frustration; it may also be a lack of security. We should not amplify our children\’s emotions, but try to accept them and then change them. When dealing with children\’s emotions, parents are advised to: learn to deal with them coldly and calm down the child\’s inner uneasiness first; try to accept the child and explore his inner feelings; use the power of others to encourage the child to accept himself; give the child a sense of \”I am very good\” Only then will he learn to be a calm person.