If you praise your child like this, you are actually hurting him

Writing about this topic, I believe some parents will involuntarily curl their lips: Oh, you still need to teach me? Praise is so simple, isn\’t it just that you are so smart and you are so great! As for criticism, that is simply my specialty. Why are you so stupid! Look at the good things you have done! Look at this fat guy, he is much better than you! The above are classic sentence patterns for praise and criticism. 9 1-minute education and 101 ways to raise an outstanding baby.mobi When getting along with my son, I will also use classic sentence patterns when I am emotional – although I know very well that such criticism and praise are very harmful to the child. , is of no benefit, and may even cause conflict, resistance, inferiority, and resentment, but you still can’t help but say it. The key is that I have not seriously thought about what kind of praise and criticism is truly beneficial and effective for children. Especially praise. Is it still wrong to praise children? Yes, inappropriate praise is wrong. 01One day, I saw this sentence in a book: Praise is a kind of evaluation, and evaluation makes people uncomfortable. This statement deeply touched my heart. I finally understand why, since I was a child, I have disliked being evaluated so much, even if it is a good evaluation, such as being smart or a nice person. What is smart? What is a good person? A thousand people will have a thousand answers. Moreover, everyone has smart and stupid moments, as well as good and bad moments. This itself is a pseudo label. Now, I certainly don’t care too much about other people’s opinions. However, when I was young, I really cared about other people\’s eyes and opinions. Especially a casual remark from my parents will cause a great emotional reaction in me. Because of this, in the process of getting along with young children, we may try to learn a new way of praise and criticism that can help children and enhance their feelings, instead of causing conflicts and destroying feelings. Way. At what age are people most sensitive? Teenage years. If we don’t want to have too many conflicts with our children and don’t want to cause them too much trouble, then the first thing we have to do when dealing with adolescent children is how to achieve real communication with them instead of being “well-intentioned” Think of it as the liver and lungs of a donkey.” Renowned child psychologist Haim G. Ginott gave the motto for the new approach to praise: describe, don\’t evaluate. Treat events with respect – don\’t praise character. Describe feelings, do not evaluate the child\’s character; use objective and realistic descriptions of achievements, do not beautify people. For example: On a whim today, the child washed the clothes that had been on the sofa for three days. Parents: You are so diligent. (Praise for character) Possible corollary: If I were really diligent, I wouldn\’t leave my clothes out for three days before washing them. (Useless praise) Parents: You washed the clothes today and the sofa looks much fresher. Thank you. Possible inference: I can help, and my efforts are visible to my parents. For example: The child got third place in the class in the exam. Parents: You are so smart and did really well in the exam. Keep working hard and strive to be first in the exam next time. (Evaluating personality, making demands) Possible inference: It is already very difficult for me to take the third place in the exam, and they want me to take the first place. The adults are really dissatisfied. (Useless praise) Parents: You came third in the class. It can be seen that you have put in a lot of effort during this period.Work harder, I\’m so proud of you. Possible inference: My efforts are appreciated and I am proud of myself. For example: The child tidies the room. Parents: Wow, you are amazing. (Beautifying the child) Possible inference: This is too exaggerated and has no sincerity at all. (Useless praise) Parents: I like how your room is arranged. It looks neat and beautiful. Possible inference: I am very capable. 02Haim G. Ginot said that praise that evaluates character and character is unpleasant and unsafe. Praise that describes efforts, achievements, and feelings is helpful and safe. Our descriptive praise, and the positive inferences the child draws from it, builds the child\’s mental world. From our words, the child will draw the conclusion: \”I am liked. I am admired. I am respected. I am capable.\” He will silently repeat these conclusions to himself again and again. This silent internal repetition can greatly determine a person\’s view of themselves and the world around them. Parents hope to strengthen their children\’s good behavior through praise, but sometimes they are confused. Why does praise weaken their children\’s good behavior? If when you praise your children, you habitually say: \”You are always so smart!\” \”You are always so awesome\” and \”You are great!\” Maybe this is the problem. Because slowly, children will discover that they are not always so smart, and of course they are not always so powerful. Sometimes, they may even be stupid. This will make him doubt himself and his parents. Criticizing children is a specialty of many parents. We often call it euphemistically: criticism is for your own good, criticism is to make you improve, and criticism makes you aware of your own shortcomings. They give criticism a cloak of \”it\’s all for your own good\” and even forget what the criticism is for. Many times, we are unwilling to open our eyes and take a look, or we are unwilling to admit that under our continuous criticism, our children have not developed in the expected direction, and sometimes it is even counterproductive. Because our criticism contains too many personal emotions, such as belittlement, humiliation, anger, and attack. Haim G. Ginott said that helpful criticism will not be directed at the personality, but at dealing with the difficulties faced. It never attacks individuals, it only takes matters into their own hands. Unhelpful criticism is the insulting thing we all say. This legacy of the past is a burden we don’t need. What we need to learn is to communicate without sarcasm or ridicule. Don’t attack character, don’t criticize character, deal with the situation at hand. For example: the child accidentally spilled paint all over the floor, and the parents were very angry. Mother: How many times have I told you to be careful when handling paint! You always make a mess! (Character attack) Possible inference: I am a useless person who always messes up. (Useless criticism) Mother: If the paint is spilled, bring me a mop. It won’t be easy to wipe away after it dries. Possible inference: Mom didn\’t blame me, I should be more careful next time. (mopping the floor, making amends) For example: The child failed the math test and the parents were very disappointed. Father: With your current grades, you will only be able to move bricks on construction sites in the future! Maybe no one wants to move the bricks, so now move the bricksYou also need to be educated. (Belittle and humiliate) Possible inference: No wonder you can only be a security guard now, it’s because you didn’t study hard back then. If you can’t learn well on your own, why should you ask me? (Unhelpful criticism) Father: You must feel very sad if you failed the math exam. Do you think you need to hire a teacher to help you? Possible inference: My father is willing to pay me for tutoring, so it seems that I need to study hard. It\’s not easy for dad to make money. (Study hard) For example: The child secretly brought his mobile phone to school and it was confiscated by the teacher. The teacher called the parents to notify the parents. Mother: I told you a long time ago that you can’t bring mobile phones to school, but you just don’t listen! You didn’t do well in your studies, but you still have the nerve to play with your phone? Father: He has always been like this. He never listens to what adults say! I\’m not good at studying, but I\’m pretty good at playing on my mobile phone. (sarcastic labeling) Possible inference: In your eyes, no matter what I do, I am a bad boy. (Unhelpful criticism) Mother: Your phone was confiscated by the teacher when you brought it to school. You must be very sad, right? Father: The teacher said that the school has regulations and you cannot bring mobile phones to school. If you really want to play, you can play at home for a while on weekends. Possible corollary: I broke the rules by bringing my phone to school. My parents did not blame me and allowed me to play with my mobile phone on weekends. I must study hard and be worthy of them. (Abide by school regulations) 04 Tolstoy said: One of the most widely circulated misstatements is that everyone has his own unique and certain characteristics: this person is kind, cruel, smart, stupid, energetic, indifferent, etc. However, people are not like this… People are like a river… Every river is narrower here, flows faster there, slower here, wider there, sometimes clear, sometimes cool, sometimes muddy, sometimes hot. So are people. Everyone has all the characteristics of a human being, sometimes he takes on one characteristic, sometimes he takes on another characteristic, and a person often becomes less like himself, while at the same time he remains himself. When parents criticize their children\’s personality or character, it will stimulate their children\’s great rebellious psychology, causing them to deny and be angry about themselves, or to attack and hate their parents. Such criticism has no short-term educational effect. In the long run, it will damage the parent-child relationship and damage the child\’s self-esteem and self-confidence. Raising children is a long and arduous task, and we are always on the road.