If you want to have a good child, you must first take care of yourself

Fourteen-year-old Xiao Zeng, whose parents are both Kochi and from rural families, came to the city to work hard without any relatives and have a stable career and social status. When Xiao Zeng was in school, he was polite when facing his teachers; he was lively and cheerful when facing his classmates and friends; he was also very polite when facing relatives and friends. Only when I faced my parents, I lost my usual self and became extremely rebellious. When my relationship with my parents was at its worst, I wouldn\’t even say a word for two weeks. My parents would come home, slam the door and go back to their room. I once talked with this child and wanted to persuade him not to be so rebellious towards his parents. I thought he would be silent for a long time, but I didn\’t expect him to start talking easily. Me: Actually, your parents really want to talk to you more. used to be. They really like to educate people. Every time they open their mouths, no matter what you say, it will always be \”the same thing.\” No matter what the beginning, it is always the same. They don\’t give you a chance to open your mouth at all in the beginning. You don’t know…sigh…forget it, I can’t say. Me: Why can’t I say it? Zeng: Just yesterday (yesterday, Sunday), I was reading a novel at home. They went out in the morning and didn’t know where they were going. When they came back in the afternoon, they came straight into my house, smelling like alcohol… Me: Your dad Drinking? Zeng: Do you think it’s just my dad who drinks? My mother also drank less. Me: …Zeng: When they both came in, they were all very angry at me. Starting from my poor score in the last monthly test, they said that I didn’t inherit their genes at all and that they were nothing like them. They said so and so’s children, No matter how good I am, how can I get into a good school; if I say that I can\’t get into the key points at all, they won\’t care about me anymore… Do you think they look like a parent? He was extremely drunk, and when he came back he came to have fun with me, which was just looking for trouble! I really want to persuade Xiao Zeng to think more about the difficulties of his parents and how much effort they put into getting him into a key school. But I was silent at that time. Looking at Xiao Zeng\’s angry look, I felt sorry for the parents and children of this family. It is a cliché to say that parents are role models for their children. Now, what I want to talk about is that we must not treat our children as fools. They have their own ideas, and they are not only smart, but sometimes a little \”clever\”. When they find that some aspects of their parents are unconvincing, they may also reject other aspects of their parents that are correct. In what Xiao Zeng said just now, most of what his parents said were true. But in such a situation at that time, from the perspective of the child, who was originally rebellious towards his parents, and used this method to \”talk\” to the child, how could the child accept it? The ancients said, \”Know your teacher and believe in his teachings.\” If you accept a person, you will also love his teachings. From an educational perspective, whether it is teachers or parents, only by establishing an image that is accepted and loved by children can the educational effect be achieved. I can understand the depression of Xiao Zeng\’s parents: they have to go out to socialize on weekends, have to drink at the wine table, and talk about their children with others. Thinking about their own children who are not living up to expectations, they are even more depressed. There was no way to relieve the pressure from work; I had high expectations for my children, but no hope; so I got a little drunk and went home to vent my emotions. List all kinds of children\’s \”\”Misdeeds\”, not giving children a chance to speak; no \”communication\” attitude, just accusations; instead of discussing specific and feasible solutions, they just ask the children to \”make a show and show us.\” This kind of communication method, Of course, there will be a strong \”counterattack\” from the child. So, Xiao Zeng rushed out of the door and went to the Internet cafe to kill time. This made the parents feel that the child was hopeless and unreasonable. As a result, the \”smell of gunpowder\” between them became even more intense. As the concentration increases, calm conversation becomes even more out of reach. Many parents have experienced the frustration of their parents, and this vicious cycle has appeared in many families. Some people may say that children cannot listen to anything during their rebellious period. , just wait until they are older and sensible. Some people regard this statement as a life-saving straw, waiting for the children to grow up and sensible. This is definitely self-deception. When the child needs you when he is young, you cannot enter his heart, then From now on, you really won’t be able to get in. When a child grows up, he will be sensible, considerate of his parents, follow the rules, and no longer rebellious. These are just the appearances you see. In fact, his heart will not be like that of a young child. I am completely open to you and need your care and help. You have been blocked by your child in a \”polite\” way. If you want your child to accept you, you must take good care of yourself. First, you must learn to Take good care of your own emotions. In inappropriate situations, when negative emotions occupy your mind, do not \”communicate\” with your children. When getting along with your children, remember that your children are not responsible for the grievances you have suffered or the heartache you have encountered. . Your negative emotions will be conveyed to your children through expressions, tone, demeanor, body language, etc. Even if you are talking about the child\’s own problems, the child will also be resistant to your inner emotions and state. This is When your child communicates with you, he will have an instinctive defensive emotion – What did I do wrong? Does my mother (or father) not love me anymore? Then the child will not listen to your words at all, but will respond to you. The mood is extremely contradictory. Second, when communicating with children, choose a warm and equal atmosphere, and give children the right and opportunity to speak. When many parents blame their children, they criticize their children\’s various shortcomings like a barrage of firecrackers, and then continue Add: \”Tell me why? \”If the child really opens his mouth to explain, before the child has finished the sentence, he will catch one point and continue to criticize. This is not considered \”communication\” at all, it can only be accusation and criticism. This method, in addition to making the parents feel \”relieved\” In addition, it does not do any good to change children\’s bad habits. Children who have been in this atmosphere of denial for a long time will gradually lose their self-confidence and develop the emotion of \”you don\’t listen to anything I say anyway\”, and even feel that they are not being accepted. The feeling of love and acceptance. At the age of ten, if you are not accepted by your closest family members, cannot feel encouragement and comfort, the feeling of helplessness will be very strong. Repeated nagging, or making children feel guilty is also absolutely It won\’t work. Repeated nagging is definitely a taboo when talking to children. Saying the same thing too many times will make the children refuse to listen and make them more rebellious, which is counterproductive. When you have a good parent-child relationship, you explainAfter doing it once, the children will naturally listen and be willing to cooperate. \”Tell me, I\’m doing it all for you. I won\’t even go for you…\” Then he listed all kinds of \”sacrifice\”, all of which were \”not easy.\” This is a way of hoping that the child will feel guilty. Trying to control your child with feelings of guilt may work temporarily for younger children. However, as the age increases and the self-awareness increases, the child\’s sense of alienation also increases, or under the heavy pressure of the parents, the confidence is lost, or the child becomes angry and completely resists the \”effort\” of the parents – do I ask you to do this? \”Sacrificed\”? Why do you put all the blame on me? A child\’s heart is sensitive and simple. No matter what problems he has, he depends on you for guidance and help. Parents should take their own responsibility to solve their children\’s problems. Let the child truly feel that he is loved and accepted, which is the first step into the child\’s heart. Only by giving children the right and opportunity to speak and knowing what they really think can they further accept each other and improve the parent-child relationship. It seems that children from \”other people\’s families\” are always enviable and have all kinds of auras. But you must remember that no matter how bright the sun is, there will be shadows. Problems and conflicts may appear in all families. If you want your child to \”listen to you\” and have a sensible \”good child\”, you must take care of yourself first. After your children go to school, it seems that academics are the \”top priority\” among all problems. When you focus all your attention on this, your anxiety and worry will unknowingly intensify. Emotions caused by work, marital relationships, life stress, etc. will all aggravate your anxiety. When you are anxious for a long time, the way you get along and communicate with your children will also change. Your \”control\” and your child\’s \”counter-control\” are becoming more serious day by day. So, where will the \”good child\” you want come from? A \”good child\” in your eyes must have a pair of \”good parents\” who are good at managing themselves – good at managing their own emotions and good at creating a warm family atmosphere.