If your child does well in an exam, never give him a reward! Otherwise you will really regret it

\”I will buy you a pair of genuine Jordan sneakers after you pass the exam this time.\” \”You finish your homework first, and you can play games for 20 minutes later.\” \”If you practice basketball well, dad will buy you a toy gun.\” Sound familiar? These are some of the promises many parents make when trying to motivate their children to study hard and complete their homework seriously. It sounds okay, but careful parents may find that these reward methods can easily fail! For example, if the child is rewarded 100 yuan this time, he may need to be rewarded 200 yuan next time, which means that he will quickly adapt to the reward. Second, many children begin to make conditions with their parents: I won’t write if you don’t give me a mobile phone to play with, I won’t write if you don’t take me out to play, I won’t study if you don’t give me money, and their parents feel like they are being “ Got it\” and was blackmailed. Third, using external rewards will reduce children\’s intrinsic motivation. There is a Desi effect in psychology, which means that when a person receives external rewards while doing something he already likes, his interest in the matter decreases and his motivation decreases. That is to say, the external motivation of a thing will \”crowd out\” its internal motivation. Many people think that the more external rewards, the more motivated a person will be. In fact, external rewards sometimes reduce a person\’s original interest in the matter. Some artists were poor and talented before becoming famous. After they became famous, they gained both fame and wealth. However, at this time, many people found that their talents were not as good as before, and they no longer had the inspiration they had before. This is when external motivation “occupies” and “crowds out” internal motivation. Research shows that the more financial support parents provide for their children\’s college education, the lower their children\’s grades. It may be because when college students pay their own tuition, they become more autonomous and feel that attending classes and studying are their own responsibilities. Many times, external rewards given by parents will reduce children\’s intrinsic motivation. Originally, our purpose was to hope that children could learn to learn consciously and proactively, but the methods we used were completely different. Part 2: How to change the \”worker mentality\” of giving rewards to learn and not learning without rewards to the \”boss mentality\”, from being passive to being proactive, from feeling like they are learning for others to learning for themselves? ? My opinion is that when a child does well in a test or you want your child to take the initiative to learn, you must not give him rewards, mainly external material rewards, but find ways to stimulate their intrinsic motivation. Specifically, there are several ways. First, give autonomy. Ordinary migrant workers have little autonomy, no right or space to make their own choices. They just obey and do as they are told every day. But the more they do this, the more they feel that they are being forced, and the less likely they are to fall in love with their work from the bottom of their hearts. , he felt that he was doing it for others. Even if the boss brainwashes his employees every day and tells them not to care too much and to be dedicated, it is useless. The same is true for children. It is currently a very serious problem, and of course it has been criticized for many years. Because the involution is getting more and more serious, teachers are also tightening their grip, constantly compressing students\’ free time, resulting in students having almost no time. Any space and right to choose freely. For example, there may be 10 classes every day from morning to evening, there may only be one or two self-study periods a week; when it comes to evening self-study, it should be free study time, but it turns out that it is also fully arranged, with clear regulations on what to study every half hour. The current method leaves students with no autonomy at all and no room for independent learning, which is very bad. Because everyone must have their own favorite learning style, learning method and learning rhythm, but now everyone is \”one size fits all\” and treated as a robot, with the same pace and consistency. I have to say that this is a devastation to human nature. As parents, we often cannot change the status quo. We can only try to give our children as much time, space, and rights as possible to make free choices at home. For example, let him decide when he will finish his homework, let him decide which subject to write about first, and after finishing writing, he can choose the book he is interested in, etc. Although the space for choice is relatively small, try to give the child some rights to choose, so that he can feel that he can still have some control over his learning, including allowing him to choose art subjects, liberal arts, and science in the future. These are all respects for the child\’s autonomy. important manifestation of sex. Second, increase the sense of connection. Parents should not come back every week and ask how their children are doing in their studies and exams. This is a condescending attitude, an evaluation, a top-down attitude, and not equal communication. Just like chatting with colleagues and friends, we can talk about how we feel at work recently, our work experience and insights, whether we feel tired, etc. This is equal communication. Use this method to chat with your children: what are your thoughts on recent studies, whether you are tired, what you have gained, etc. This can increase the sense of connection between parents and children and bring them closer to each other. Another one, when a child achieves certain results, celebrate the success with him. Parents should encourage their children\’s achievements in a timely manner. It is also like treating our good friends. If a friend gets a promotion and a salary increase, we will make him happy from the bottom of our hearts, celebrate with him, give him a gift, etc. Note that this gift is an equal congratulation between friends, not a reward. Rewards are unequal. The same goes for children. If a child does particularly well in exams, parents can celebrate with them, create a sense of ritual, and give him some gifts that he usually wants. This kind of heartfelt and equal celebration and praise will make children feel the love and respect of their parents, and can further promote the parent-child relationship. Third, enhance children’s sense of capability. When your child gets good grades, instead of rewarding him with 100 yuan, going out to play, etc., you can tell your child: You have studied very well recently, and your parents are also happy about your achievements. You should treat us to dinner for you. Celebrate. Pay attention, let the child treat you to a meal, let him know that this is his own business, it is his own achievement, he is learning for himself, and he is very happy. This is very similar to our good friend who has achieved something. If he gets a promotion and a salary increase, he will definitely treat him to a meal. We will feel at ease and feel happy for him. Secondly, if your child has achieved results, you can ask him to share his successful experiences. Parents can be very serious and uprightAsk questions like this: What kind of experience do you have? You have been studying very well recently. What methods did you use? How do you maintain your condition? how did you do it? You can write and talk about it, and let our neighbor children listen to it. This approach is actually sometimes used in schools. For example, there will be some sessions after the midterm exam where top students are asked to share their learning experiences. Of course, being a sharer feels very glorious and very fulfilling, but the disadvantage is that there are too few opportunities to share, and at the same time, most people feel that it is too far away from themselves and not touched at all. Parents can increase their children\’s opportunities to share, allowing them to share some good methods and skills in learning every week or every month, so as to enhance their sense of ability and value. For me, I have been writing consistently in the past six months or so, and now I am writing more and more smoothly, and I am more and more confident. Some beginners ask me for advice and how I do it. Whenever someone asks me, I am actually very willing to share, and I especially want to tell others about my experiences, insights, and insights. Not only is it helpful to them, but it is also a summary and review for myself. , also very beneficial. This is also a very big affirmation for me. Another way to enhance your child\’s sense of competence is to give timely feedback. Why do many people like to play games? Because the game gives you all kinds of very exciting and cool feedback all the time, telling you that you have done a good job and making you feel that you are very powerful, very capable and very valuable. The same is true for children\’s learning. Parents should try to give him as much positive feedback as possible, such as: You are more efficient at homework than last week, you are in better shape, and you finish homework faster! This kind of timely and positive feedback lets him know how he is doing and makes him more confident in himself. The same goes for me, because I update every day, and there will be feedback immediately after publishing. Whether it is reading, likes, comments, rewards, etc., it is all instant feedback, letting me know how well I am writing. It is this immediate feedback that allows me to adjust my direction in time, and this adjustment is very fast. I am developing in a better direction every day, so I can persist and do better and better. Part 3 The method of external rewards cannot effectively motivate children to learn in the long term, but will reduce their intrinsic motivation. By giving children autonomy and enhancing their sense of connection and competence, parents can help their children develop a \”boss mindset\” and shift from passive learning to active learning. These three methods correspond to the three core motivations in self-determination theory: autonomy, relationship, and competence. These three are the core motivations that drive children\’s behavior, allowing them to become more active, conscious, and for themselves. study.