If your child is tired of school, is depressed, and is addicted to mobile phones at home, will you worry about conflicts with him?

Faced with children who are tired of school and depressed, many parents think this way: I don’t dare to conflict with my children, I am cautious, just for fear of irritating them. But in fact, I was very anxious and could not find the time to communicate with my children. Many issues were not discussed. Not daring to conflict is the current situation of many adolescent families. I think there are two main possible reasons: 1. Parents themselves are conflict-avoidant. There is often a tendency to avoid conflict not only with children, but also with other people in life. They believe that solving problems through conflict is difficult. He often doesn\’t dare to express his own thoughts. It may be that he doesn\’t think independently about many things. He thinks what others say is good and just follows it. 2. There are too many parenting theories telling parents to put the parent-child relationship first. Since the parent-child relationship must be maintained, conflicts must be put aside first. Even though a lot of emotions have been accumulated with the child, the parent-child relationship has not improved to a higher level due to the lack of in-depth communication. A mother in our group who has been working hard to cultivate herself shared her thoughts on parent-child conflicts. Parents and children have their own interests and conflicts are inevitable. Conflict has two characteristics: First, conflict is inevitable because people are different, so conflict is a part of real life. Second, there is no good or bad conflict, conflict is normal. Many of us are afraid of conflict and are very worried that conflict will affect relationships. We regard conflict as a kind of rights correction. As a result, the parents win or the children win. Regardless of the outcome, it will have adverse effects: ① Children have less and less motivation to do things. ② During the conflict, if we let the children listen to us, the children will become resentful and the relationship will deteriorate. ③The older the child is, the more difficult it is to take care of him. ④The child has no chance to develop self-discipline. ⑤The child grows up to be a person who does not respect others and does not understand the feelings of others. He will also use the same method to fight for rights with his parents. Children are obedient because they have no ideas and dare not express them, but it does not mean that they have no needs. If there is conflict, it means that they are thoughtful, which is a sign of their maturity and independence. When children conflict with us, it is precisely a sign that children begin to think independently. Winnicott said: Children grow up stepping on the \”corpse\” of their parents. This means that an adolescent child can truly grow up only if he defeats his parents physically and mentally. Fight with dad and feel your own strength. I had a quarrel with my mother and felt that my thinking and expression on the problem had improved, and my critical thinking ability had improved. These times are indeed difficult for parents. However, an open parent can re-evaluate the conflict and get what we want from it: in the conflict, the child\’s expression and the information released by the child are a good window for us to understand him. Dealing with conflicts is definitely not simply about listening to parents or children. Don\’t fall into this binary opposition. The key to turning conflict into a positive interaction is: Don’t judge, don’t attack: Even in heated debates, avoid personal attacks on the other person and always respect the other person. Be matter-of-fact and non-pointing: Make sure the discussion is centered around a common goal and keep the issue focused even if the argument gets heated. Open mind:In the face of problems that may be detrimental to you, you must have the courage to exchange ideas and promote understanding and progress through positive feedback. Emotional management: Learn to control your emotions and stay calm and rational, which will help you see problems more clearly. If you speak well, you can fully communicate and solve problems, which is the best. If conflict is unavoidable, it\’s not that scary. do not be afraid.