If your child talks back, if you say these 4 words more, he will become better day by day.

When the child first learns to speak, we are extremely surprised and wish he could talk more. But when he could really speak, we were so melancholy that we wanted to cover his mouth. Because his mouth can not only coax you, but also talk back and make you angry to death. You asked him to put on some clothes, but he threw them aside impatiently: \”I\’m hot, do you want to overheat me to death?\” You said it was cold, but I don\’t know if he said it was cold or not? Why are you so disobedient? He replies to you: \”Why should I listen to you?\” Listen, which of these words doesn\’t touch your heart? Which sentence doesn\’t make you clutch your chest with anger? Children learn to talk back at the age of 2. The main manifestation at this stage is saying \”no\”. Everything is no, I don’t, I won’t. This is just the beginning. As his self-awareness continues to increase, his way of talking back will gradually escalate, increasingly testing the fragile hearts of his parents. When a child talks back, what should we do? What\’s behind the behavior? Before talking about children talking back, I would like to share with you an \”iceberg theory\”. The iceberg theory means that a person\’s \”self\” is like an iceberg. The behaviors he displays are only a small part of the surface, while most of the inner world is hidden under the sea and we cannot see it. The first layer we can see is the way the child behaves: he hits, curses, talks back, loses his temper, etc. And behind all these actions, there must be feelings. The second level is feelings: he hits someone because he is angry; he loses his temper because he feels frustrated; he curses because he feels impatient. Behind the feelings is the third layer, thoughts: all feelings come from inner thoughts. He feels that he has been provoked, so he is angry; he feels that he has been restricted, so he is frustrated; he hates chattering, so he is impatient. The fourth level, expectation: Behind all ideas, there must be an expectation. He wants to be respected, wants to be appreciated, wants to show his abilities, wants to be alone… Only when we peel back the cocoon and explore the part hidden under the sea layer by layer can we understand the behavior that surfaces and also Only then can you understand why the child does what he does. Only by knowing why the child does what he does will not be so difficult for us to communicate with him. Say these 4 sentences: if a child hits someone, we hit him harder; if the child loses his temper, we lose his temper; if he talks back, we yell louder. Then we are stuck on the first level of the iceberg: behavior versus behavior; emotion versus emotion; language versus language. When your child grows up, you will find that no matter how you hit him, yell at him, or yell at him, it won\’t work anymore. In fact, the relationship between you and him is becoming more and more tense and worse, and you are becoming more and more powerless. Wanting to change our children\’s behavior, and change our relationship. Then we need to \”dive into the bottom of the sea\” to see what is deep in the child\’s heart. When your child talks back, if you say these four sentences more, your child will become better day by day. ① In the first sentence, talk about the first level of feelings. For example, if you say that your child made a mess in the house, you ask him to clean it up. He retorted: \”I just like this mess.\” Does this kid deserve a spanking? Is he happy that his house is like a pig\’s nest? Don\’t rush to yell at him yet, IWe might as well calm down and think about it: Do children really like a messy environment, or do they just don\’t want to \”obey\” and deliberately go against it? If he said it on purpose, how did he feel? We can try to say it out: \”Mom said you made the house a mess. Do you think I am criticizing you? And when I ask you to clean up the house, you feel it is like an order. You don\’t like being ordered, do you?\”② In the second sentence, talk about the second level of thoughts. When you talk about your child\’s feelings from his perspective, he is usually willing to tell you more. For example, his thoughts: \”Yes, I just don\’t like you always criticizing me, and such orders will annoy me.\” We can use our own understanding to interpret his thoughts: \”You want your mother to not criticize Talk about things, and don’t ask you so hard, right?”③The third sentence says that children with third-level needs don’t want us to criticize or order, so what they expect may be: “I want to be respected. Mom and dad should communicate with me and listen to my ideas. \”④The fourth sentence says that when cooperation reaches this stage, the child no longer has so much anger and hostility. He feels that he is understood and is more willing to cooperate. You cooperated. At this time, we might as well throw the question to them: \”But I want to keep the house clean, what should I do?\” Put forward our needs, seek help from the children, and find a solution that satisfies both of us. In this way, conflicts can be avoided and children\’s cooperation won. I want to share a very, very small story that might inspire you. My daughter usually rides a bicycle to go to kindergarten. I discussed with her in the morning (not a direct request): \”Mom is not feeling well. How about we walk instead of riding a bicycle in the morning?\” My daughter insisted: \”But I still want to ride a bicycle.\” This was a very small conflict. , but I still have to \”win\” her cooperation, not \”win\” her. So I posed the question to her: \”What should I do if my mother can only walk slowly and can\’t keep up with you?\” She gave me a method: \”Then I can just ride slowly.\” I agreed. After going out, she did ride very slowly, and asked me: \”Mom, is it okay for me to ride like this?\” I acknowledged her: \”Yes, yes, I can keep up.\” Then I empowered her: \”You know I can\’t \”Comfortable, you rode so slowly to wait for me, thank you for taking care of me.\” After hearing this, my daughter became more concerned about whether I could walk. Even if she met a classmate on the road, she did not speed up to catch up with me, but slowly waited for me. . This is a very small thing, but we can give our children a certain right to make decisions in every aspect of life, respect him, and \”win\” his cooperation. Does your child talk back a lot? How would you handle this situation?