In a family with many children, it is often the child who gets the worst when he or she grows up. Parents, don’t care.

A few days ago, I went back to my hometown and heard about what happened to my aunt, and I had mixed feelings in my heart. My aunt has three children. The eldest, 211, stayed in Shanghai to work after graduating from college. In the past few years, he not only bought a car, but also a house. The second daughter works as a nurse in the county town. She is well paid and can often go home to visit her. Only the third child, less than a year after graduation, had changed five or six jobs, either because the salary was low or because the work was too hard. Now he has been lying at home for a year, doing nothing every day. Years ago, he borrowed a loan shark without telling his aunt, and the interest was compounded, turning 30,000 yuan into 80,000 yuan. Until the reminder call came to my aunt\’s mobile phone, she was so angry that she was sent to the hospital. In the hospital, the aunt hated that iron could not become steel, but she still gave all the pension money given to her by the eldest and second children to the third child. Seeing this scene, I had a lot of thoughts: the same mother, the same family environment, the same educational background, why are the children raised different? What is going on? We often have different birth orders and different personalities. Said: The boss is stupid, the second boss is smart, and every family has a bad third boss. There is actually evidence that birth order affects a child\’s personality. The famous psychologist Rudolf Drakes, in his book \”Children: The Challenge\”, mentioned a word – family constellation. It is said that the relationship in a family with many children is like a constellation. The position of each member in the \”family constellation\” will have a unique impact on his behavior and personality. According to the reality of the relationship between most multi-child families, the following situation usually occurs: 1. The \”leader\” eldest child is the first child in the family. At first, the eldest child is doted on by thousands of people, until the second child Birth. The eldest child discovered that in order to gain the love and attention of his parents, he had to work hard to maintain his leading position and set a good example in all aspects. At the same time, the eldest brother also takes on the responsibility of taking care of his younger siblings, which not only makes him appear important but also wins the favor of his parents. Therefore, in a family with many children, the character of the eldest son is generally like this: responsible, responsible, leadership, independent, conservative and not aggressive… Just like Zhu Zhe in \”Ode to Joy 3\”, as the eldest son of the family, After graduating from junior high school, she did not choose to go to high school, but went to a vocational high school that could \”guarantee distribution\”. Since the age of 16, he has been working in hotels to make money to support his family. She is diligent, thoughtful and diligent in her work. As for the family, even if I cut down on food and clothing, I still have to support my younger siblings to go to college and send living expenses to my parents. For the worried elders, on the one hand, because they are very strict with themselves, they are more likely to become leaders or managers when they grow up; on the other hand, because of their desire to be recognized, they often take on a lot of responsibility. Responsibility and pressure. 2. The second child in the \”sandwich layer\” As the saying goes: The big one hurts the small one, but no one cares about the second child. The middle child is often not as capable as the eldest child, nor as cute and lovable as the youngest child, so he has neither advantages nor privileges from his parents. Faced with such an embarrassing position, the second child naturally does not want to be a little transparent, so the second child is often better at observing words and emotions, showing a well-behaved and sensible side, to cater to his parents, and thereby gain attention. Reminds me of \”Reply 1988\”\”Deshan\”, she obviously likes to eat poached eggs, but when there are only two eggs left in the house, she will take the initiative to say that I won\’t eat them. The neighbor gave her a roast chicken to eat by herself, but in order to please her parents, she took it home and shared it. Watching her mother give the chicken legs to her sister and brother, she felt aggrieved but said nothing. The second child is not born sensible, but has to compromise. Behind this is the lack of security and belonging. If they do not receive love in return, they may develop an introverted, low self-esteem, and please-pleaser character. 3. The pampered youngest son. As the youngest, the youngest has enjoyed the care of his elder brothers and sisters and the pampering of his parents since he was born. Therefore, the youngest is usually the least disciplined, and the youngest is also keenly aware of this. In life, he often escapes his responsibilities by acting coquettishly and cheating. The youngest who grew up like this is used to being self-centered and can easily become arrogant, selfish and poor in practical skills. Just like Zhu Zhe\’s younger brother, after graduating from college, he still wants to rely on others for protection: he reaches out to his family every month to ask for money; he takes his girlfriend and mother-in-law to Shanghai to find the eldest sister to take advantage; he instigates his parents to make things difficult for his second sister\’s marriage, and all kinds of schemes The second sister’s gift money. Of course, there is another situation. Because they grow up in the most relaxed environment, the youngest is often more creative and adventurous, and is the easiest to develop a unique personality. But because he dares to be rebellious and innovative, the youngest often becomes a \”catcher\” to show his value, so in the end the youngest develops better. Parents have different preferences and their children have different destiny. Although birth order does have a certain impact on the child\’s personality, we can find that what ultimately affects the child\’s destiny is actually the different parenting styles of the parents for each child. Just like the two brothers in the documentary \”Rich Brother, Poor Brother\”, they are only one year apart, but now they live very different lives: one is a multi-millionaire and a politician in the Conservative Party. One is poor and has no fixed place to live. Looking back at their growth, it is not difficult to find that there is no difference in either living conditions or learning conditions. The only difference is the different preferences of their parents. They were born in an ordinary family. Their father is a policeman and their mother is a bank clerk. Although their lives are not rich, they are still decent. Since childhood, my parents have been partial to their younger brothers. While my 8-year-old brother is walking dogs, mowing lawns, busy delivering newspapers every morning, and working in the supermarket at night, my younger brother is sleeping at home every day, doing nothing, and making trouble everywhere. He even broke into schools and churches many times, vandalized public property, and sold pornographic books to buy cigarettes. Even so, my mother always explained: \”My brother always makes some pranks, but he is just a child, not very bad.\” If we say, what parents give to my brother is freedom and love. Then, what is given to the elder brother is responsibility and hard work. In the same family, the elder brother envied his younger brother\’s happy childhood because of his preference, while the younger brother envied the talents that his elder brother had honed in life. When the elder brother was 21 years old, he earned his first pot of gold through his own hard work. At that time, the younger brother gave up the repairman apprenticeship exam one month before. After that, he tried various professions, such as real estate agent, veteranChef, puppeteer, barista, salesperson. In the end, nothing was accomplished because of the three-minute heat. As for the elder brother, although he is successful and famous, there is always a black hole in his heart because he did not receive the love and attention from his parents in his childhood. Moreover, because of the differential treatment by their parents, there has always been a rift between the two brothers, who looked down upon each other. For 25 years, the two of them spent no more than two days alone. It is said that siblings are the best gift that parents can leave to their children. But for children, brotherhood is not natural. There is natural competition among them for family status and competition for parental love. As parents, we must have a \”degree\” in our hearts. We should neither harm a child due to negligence, nor should we pamper a child due to preference. There is no need for a bowl of water to be balanced, but to apply \”love\” according to one\’s aptitude. There is a saying in \”The Analects of Confucius\”: Don\’t worry about scarcity but worry about inequality. As a mother of three children, I have always strived to be balanced. For example, when Xiaobao is still young, he still needs me for feeding, putting him to sleep, etc., so the family has a good division of labor. Dad is responsible for the homework of the eldest and second child, and grandma is responsible for the logistics. Even, in order to make up for the lack of companionship, I often compensate in material ways, buying my eldest son his favorite cosplay uniforms and my second son\’s Lego. But even so, the eldest brother still behaves like a monster and secretly makes Xiaobao cry, while the second child often wakes up in the middle of the night, clamoring to sleep with me. For a long time, I blamed myself for not being able to give the same love to my three children. It was not until later that I realized that children do not actually need to share the love of their parents equally, but they need to enjoy unique love from their parents. As the famous psychotherapist Susan said: \”Wise and mature parents will consider the feelings and needs of every member of the family.\” Give more encouragement to the eldest child. No matter how old the boss is, he is still a child and should not be half a parent. We can expect more and pay more attention to him, but we should not put too much psychological burden on the child. After all, he is already very strict with himself. All we have to do is give him more encouragement, accept every failure, see every effort he makes, and affirm every growth he makes. Let the eldest child feel that his parents always pay attention to him, so that the eldest child can better learn to love his younger siblings while being loved, and take the initiative to take responsibility from the heart. Give the middle child more love. The more sensible a child is, the more repressed he is. Whether the parents do it intentionally or not, the middle child is often the one who gets neglected. In daily life, parents must remember to pay more attention to them. When he compromises, see his grievance, give him a bigger reward, and teach the children to take turns giving in. When he\’s trying to please, see his insecurity, give him a big hug, tell him you love him no matter what, and give him the strength to be his true self. Give the youngest some more guidance. Faced with the soft and clever youngest, their parents easily pampered them. But the more you love, the more cruel you must be. No matter how much the brothers and sisters can share the burden, there must be no less of what the youngest should do. The principles and rules that should be established cannot be compromised at all. Giving children love with rules and bottom lines is the most far-sighted love for the youngest. Nowadays, manyFamilies are all two-child families, but whether it is multiple children or two children, parents must remember: 1. Spend some time alone with the eldest child/second child: Both the eldest child and the second child are eager to spend time alone with their parents. This is a special favor for him. At this time, children do not have to think about competing for favor or competition, and can enjoy mother\’s and father\’s love alone. Paying attention to each child\’s feelings and seeing each child\’s needs is the best way to check and balance a second-child family. 2. Don’t give way to the older ones: Older age is never a reason for a child to apologize, love is. It is inevitable that there will be disputes among children. Blindly asking for the elder to give way to the younger will only make the eldest child feel wronged, disappointed and distrustful of his parents, and create hostility and jealousy towards his younger sister. A young child is also prone to being arrogant, which is not conducive to the cultivation of her character and sense of right and wrong. Regardless of birth order, there should be no ranking in love. Every child has his or her own characteristics and shining points. They deserve unique love and are worthy of being seen and understood by their parents. Without comparison, children\’s energy can be focused on their own growth and improvement. There is no need to compete for favor, only then can brothers and sisters develop a two-way relationship and nourish each other. I hope every child can be unique in the eyes of his parents. Bloom your wonderful life in a loving family.