In family education, one is a good person and the other is a bad person. Why is 1+1=0?

During the weekend, Lele was doing homework. Dad came over and took a look. He thought his writing was too sloppy, so he tore it up and asked him to rewrite it. It was almost finished, and Lele was obviously very unhappy, but intimidated by his father\’s majesty, he obediently started writing again. After not writing a few words, my father was still dissatisfied and rewrote it again. Lele was so anxious that he started to cry. His father became even more angry. He couldn\’t hold back his suppressed temper and shouted: \”A boy, cry.\” Why are you crying? There is no future!\” Lele\’s mother heard this and ran out of the kitchen. After figuring out what was going on, she comforted Lele: \”Lele is okay, you write yours, I think you wrote it very well!\” Again He turned around and said to his father: \”What\’s the matter with you! You have the nerve to tell others when you write like that! Look, it scares the child!\” \”What\’s wrong with me? I\’m educating him for his own good. If you say that, I will never care about him again!\” \”I care about him! You never cared about him in the first place!\”… It was originally about educating the children, but it turned into a war between the couple. No one thought that their original intention was Let Lele do her homework. Lele looked at this, then looked at that, threw away her homework, and ran to the bedroom to play with her tablet. The education method of Lele\’s parents is a typical \”one is a bad guy and the other is a good guy\” strategy. \”One plays the red face and the other plays the bad side\” is a metaphor for the process of resolving conflicts, one plays a friendly or lovable role, and the other plays a harsh or annoying role. Lele\’s father is strict and Lele\’s mother is gentle. Although they seem to be the most seamless combination, they do not achieve a very good educational effect. Why does the effect of 1+1=0 appear? Because the education method of one person playing bad guy and the other playing good role is no longer suitable for the current education environment. In traditional Chinese families, family education is often a strict father and a loving mother. Nowadays, it is more common for tiger mothers and cat fathers to reverse their roles. When the child makes a mistake, the white face will severely criticize it. At this time, the child is panicked. When the child is extremely frightened, the red face will protect the child like a chicken, reprimanding the white face for being harsh and making excuses for the child\’s mistakes. Especially in some families with separated generations, the elderly dote on their children. Once the parents provide strict education to their children, the elderly will immediately come forward to protect the children and obstruct the parents\’ education. My nephew loves to watch TV, and this scene often happens at home. The father-in-law said to his nephew, \”I\’ve been watching TV for too long. Let\’s go out and play!\” The nephew was so excited that he didn\’t move. The father-in-law urged again and again, and the nephew got annoyed and started to lose his temper and even cry. When her mother-in-law saw it, she quarreled with her father-in-law: \”Why did you provoke him? I think you want to watch TV!\” My father-in-law said angrily: \”I said he was doing it for his own good, so just pamper him as much as you can. !\”… Facing the quarrel between his father-in-law and mother-in-law, my nephew gradually evolved from being scared and uneasy at the beginning to watching TV with peace of mind. If parents have inconsistent positions and opinions in the process of educating their children, especially if there are differences and contradictions in front of their children, not only will the expected educational results not be achieved, but they will often have a negative impact on the children\’s education and psychology. The way parents handle differences when they arise is seen by children and will be remembered in their hearts.It will also affect his attitude towards others in the future. 1. Children’s values ​​are confused and unclear about right and wrong. There are differences in the views of both sides of the education, and it is impossible to give children a correct standard of behavior. Children are caught between parents, unable to distinguish who is right and who is wrong, and it is difficult to make correct decisions and judgments. It is easy to rely on one parent and lose the ability to make independent decisions. 2. It is not conducive to family harmony and stability. The relationship between husband and wife is greater than the relationship between parents and children. If there are too many differences over children\’s education, the conflict may shift from education issues to the relationship between husband and wife, which is not conducive to the establishment of a harmonious and stable family relationship. 3. It is not conducive to the establishment of a good parent-child relationship. When educating children, if there are big differences between parents, the child will naturally choose to listen to the milder one. Determine your own behavior with a critical attitude, rather than based on whose words are right. It is difficult for children to form a healthy and close parent-child relationship if they have a grudge against the one who makes a bad show and have misunderstandings. 4. It is easy to see the wind and act tactfully. Children will form two faces. When faced with a stern white face, the child will be submissive and cautious, afraid to say anything, and dare not argue when justified; when faced with a red face, he will tend to be unreasonable, behave casually, and cry willfully. If things go on like this, the child\’s character will be tainted with the bad habits of cheating, being cunning, and doing things according to the prevailing circumstances, doing one thing on the surface and another behind the scenes. 5. Reduce the prestige of parents in the eyes of their children. Both parents deny me, and I deny you. The children will doubt the authority of their parents, and thus become distrustful of their parents. Even if parents tell their children the right things, the children may ignore them. Huang Lei has a lot of experience in children\’s education. He once mentioned in an interview that he does not agree with parents who play bad roles and others play good roles when educating their children. \”If a child knows that her parents have different positions, she will take advantage of the loopholes and go to her mother if she knows that it is not okay with her father. She feels that this is not good.\” Huang Lei and Sun Li are absolutely opposed to two people being divided into red-faced and white-faced people when it comes to educating their daughters. Instead of using a face-to-face approach, we should adopt a united front approach. The two people must agree on the same stance. They point out any problems the children have together, and praise the children together when they perform well. We must adhere to a \”firm but gentle\” attitude when educating our children. In daily life and study, take the initiative to get close to the child, participate in the child\’s growth process, and understand the child\’s psychological dynamics. There are principles and bottom lines when educating children, and ensure that children are given a clear, positive and correct direction. When two people have disagreements, they should resolve the conflict first. After the two people reach a consensus, they should tell the children clear rules of conduct, so that the children can understand their own problems objectively and rationally. The ideal family environment for children is that their father loves their mother, their mother loves their father, and their parents love themselves. If their parents have conflicts because of themselves, the children will definitely feel anxious and uneasy. So does that mean that one method of playing the bad guy and the other playing the red face is useless? No, the premise for us to use this method is to adhere to the same standards and principles, but we can use different educational intensity. When appropriate techniques are not found, the harsh parent may criticize the child strongly, and a gentle one is needed at this time.The other party stepped forward to ease the atmosphere, but this does not mean denying the harsh party\’s point of view, but gently emphasizing it while giving the child room to relax the nervous mood. This can not only let the children know that there is no opportunity for opportunism, but also make the children feel a little relaxed and not too nervous. In the past, one person sang a bad face and another sang a red face to set off the red face. Why is this method not suitable for the current educational environment? Because unlike the free-range education model in the past, today’s education is mostly about refined parenting. Children are more quirky, smart, but sensitive and suspicious. If parents have differences or stand on opposite sides in education, they will have a negative attitude toward their children. It is difficult for education to achieve the desired effect. If a person has two watches, he has no way of knowing the real time. If a child is given two standards for doing things, he will not be able to form a correct judgment. Therefore, when educating children, we must first reach a united front, so that we can build a strong fortress for educating children.