Is it bad for children to lie? Don’t go online! These 5 suggestions can help you (parents should read this)

A mother told me that her 10-year-old son did poorly on a math test, but lied and said he did well but lost the paper. Then he imitated her handwriting and signed the paper, but the teacher finally found out. Children lying is a problem that many parents encounter. When some people mention \”lying\”, they take it to the level of \”morality\” and \”character\” and think that children who love lying are definitely not good children. In fact, it doesn’t have to be like this. It is very common for children to lie. Studies have found that almost all children can lie. The smarter the children, the less likely they are to see through their lies. Since lying is so common, how can we correctly understand and treat it rationally? 1. Children’s motivations for lying. Why do children lie? The reasons are nothing more than the following (the same applies to adults): 1. Lying for profit is to obtain some kind of benefit. These benefits may be material, such as various rewards from parents (gifts, games, etc.); they may also be spiritual benefits, such as praise from teachers, recognition or envy from classmates and friends, affirmation from parents, etc. 2. To avoid harm, children often lie to avoid \”harm\”. These harms may be harm caused by bad people, punishments from authority figures such as parents or teachers, or ridicule and humiliation from classmates and friends, etc. 3. Funny children sometimes tell harmless “little lies” just because they are interesting, which we usually call “joking.” 4. Young children lie. Children before the age of four may not be able to tell the difference between reality and imagination, and they will have many \”unintentional lies.\” Around the age of four, most children go through a \”lying sensitive period,\” in which they lie to test the difference between their own thoughts and those of others. 2. “Good lying” and “bad lying” Do we really not like children lying? Is all lying wrong? of course not! \”Good lying\” In some cases, we encourage children to lie. This kind of lying is called \”good lying\” for the time being: 1. Deal with bad people and protect yourself. They will praise him for being smart and witty, such as the following situations: a bad boy asks the child to lead the way, but the child lies to him and tells him that the way is not going his way; the child is alone at home, and the bad guy knocks on the door, and the child pretends to shout \”Dad, there is someone knocking on the door\”; the bad boy extorts money. , deceiving him that he didn’t bring any money;…2. \”White lies\” to help others. Sometimes lies are to help others. If a child tells a \”white lie\”, we will only praise him for being sensible and considerate, such as the following situations: For the sake of the patient\’s recovery, we conceal the true condition from him; to avoid embarrassment to our friends, we help him cover up his mistakes; to honor our ancestors or express gratitude, we praise the food we don\’t like;…\”bad lies\” are those we don\’t Lying that you like is called \”bad lying\” for the time being. It may have the following situations: 1. Lying to parents and teachers (it harms oneself and others). He did not write his homework, but lied to the teacher that he left it at home and forgot it; I didn’t do well in the exam, but I lied to my parents and said I got a high score (changed the score), or that I lost the paper, or that the whole class wasDid poorly on exams and so on. These lies will prevent parents and teachers from understanding their children’s true situation and preventing them from helping their children in a timely manner. 2. Lying to cause trouble to others (harming others) Sometimes children lie and cause inconvenience or loss to others, but they do not benefit themselves, such as deliberately pointing in the wrong direction to someone asking for directions. Sometimes children do something wrong and choose to lie in order to avoid responsibility. For example, if you accidentally break someone else\’s glass window, or damage public items in the classroom, or you may damage something at home, you may not admit that you did it for fear of being punished. Sometimes a child will lie in order to obtain some kind of benefit. His lies may cause inconvenience to others or usurp other people\’s interests. There are also lies that harm others and ourselves. The story of \”The Boy Who Cried Wolf\” is like this. It harms others first and ultimately harms ourselves. … There are good and bad lies. We must first let children distinguish between \”good lies\” and \”bad lies\”, and then talk about reducing children\’s \”bad lies\”. As for what exactly \”bad lying\” is, this is really a matter of opinion (so when we tell our children \”you can\’t lie\”, we are lying in itself)! 3. Treat children’s lies correctly, and do not go above and beyond 1. It is human nature to seek advantages and avoid disadvantages. Every child will lie. The main purpose of lying is to seek advantages and avoid disadvantages, and seeking advantages and avoiding disadvantages is an instinct of human beings as biological creatures. , it is human nature, so every child will lie (except for the special case like Guo Jing), parents really don’t need to make a fuss and go online. 2. Laziness is human nature. No one is willing to lie. Lying requires thinking. Sometimes a lie requires many lies to \”complete\” it. No one is willing to lie if it is not necessary. For example, we ask the children: How many classmates are there in your class? What\’s your new math teacher\’s last name, etc. The kids with these questions will definitely not lie to us. 3. Strictly speaking, the world is full of \”lies\” and all \”techniques\” are \”lying\” to some extent. Needless to say, the techniques for dealing with bad guys are still the same principle: you never tire of deceit! The question-answering skills we teach our children: \”If you don\’t know how to answer the multiple-choice questions during the exam, don\’t leave them blank. Just choose an answer and try your luck.\” Is this lying? Interview skills, is it lying? Is a woman wearing makeup another form of \”lie\”? Is it a \”lie\” that all kinds of publicity and packaging only show the best side? All kinds of tactful refusals, well-intentioned concealments, polite invitations, polite compliments, these behaviors that are praised by people are full of our lives. Strictly speaking, they are all lies. 4. Lying is a trade-off between benefits and disadvantages. Before lying, children (and adults too) will consider the advantages and disadvantages of telling the truth and the advantages and disadvantages of lying. After comparing and weighing them, they decide whether to tell the truth or lie. choose. The advantages and disadvantages mentioned here include material aspects and spiritual aspects. Whether or not to lie is just a final decision. 5. Common misunderstandings about children lying 1) Lying is an extremely bad quality. Every child must be strictly prohibited from lying. Lying should not be elevated to the level of \”character\”. Children lie to avoid punishment. If the lies are discovered, parents will severely criticize them.Even beating or scolding, then in order to \”protect themselves\” next time, the child will only try to lie more \”flawlessly\”. 2) One of the reasons for lying is that parents have set bad examples. \”Parents are the best role models for their children, and children are the epitome of their parents!\” This is true, but if children\’s lying behavior is blamed on \”the parents have done \”Bad example\”, it is definitely inappropriate for parents to bear huge psychological pressure. I once saw an example in an article: If the phone rings and it\’s from someone you don\’t want to answer, and you ask your husband to tell you that you\’re not here, you\’re setting a bad example of lying to your children. Please! It may also be to avoid embarrassment to others and maintain his face! Should I just say: \”I\’m here and I don\’t want to answer your call\”? Are you setting a good example for your children? Lying is a child’s nature. The world is already full of “lies” of all kinds, so why do parents need to set an example? Why should I ask my parents not to lie alone? Just let\’s not do \”bad lying\”. 4. How to reduce children’s “bad lying”? 1. As “smart” parents, we must work hard to reduce the success rate of children’s “bad lies” and see through his lies in time. Children will give up because lying is difficult to work. As long as you are careful, it is generally easier for children to detect lies. However, when exposing children\’s lies, you must pay attention to protecting the child\’s self-esteem, do not criticize the child\’s character, do not label the child as a \”liar\”, and analyze the problem rather than the person. Our goal is to let the children understand that \”we are not that easy to lie\”, rather than to condemn the children for lying. 2. Let the child understand that lying is wrong. This increases the psychological cost of lying. The more deeply the child understands the wrongness of lying, the more psychological burden lying will bring to him, making him feel unhappy and making him less likely to choose to lie. If we tell a child that his or her parents will be upset if he or she lies, then the child will have to suffer from an uneasy conscience if he lies, which may also prevent the child from lying. 3. Tell your children that lying will bring huge losses. There is a line in the TV series \”Young Doctor\”: \”There are three things you should not hide in life: your wife should not hide it, your parents should not hide it, and your doctor should not hide it.\” I have reservations about the first two, maybe only It applies to certain situations in TV dramas, and I agree with \”Nothing I Hide\”. I believe all children have heard the story \”The Boy Who Cried Wolf\”. It tells us that lying will cause you to lose the trust of others, and you will not be able to get help in the future, resulting in huge losses and serious consequences. You will lose friends if you lie. Honesty is important, and no one likes to make friends with people who lie. 4. Don’t be your child’s “enemy”. An important reason why children lie is to “avoid harm”. If the “harm” is small, the child is less likely to lie. For example, if a child fails in an exam, if we punish the child too harshly, we will put ourselves in the position of \”enemy\”, and the child may lie to avoid punishment next time. We must change from \”enemy\” to \”comrade-in-arms\” and tell our children: \”It doesn\’t matter if you fail in one test. Let\’s find out the reasons together and strive to do well in the next test.\” 5. Give children a sense of security and cultivate their self-confidence. Children do If he does something wrong, he will predict the possible consequences of \”telling the truth\”. If it is beyond his tolerance, he may choose to lie. We usually want moreEncourage the child and tell him: \”If you do something wrong, you must have the courage to take responsibility.\” You must also give the child a sufficient sense of security and let the child believe that we will always support him behind him and that he can get help from us when necessary. , so that children have the courage to face their own mistakes and choose to tell the truth. The more secure and confident a child is, the less likely they are to lie!