Is quarreling in front of children the worst thing a parent can do? Psychologists tell you not to be so nervous

Ever since I became a parent, it seems that quarreling has become a serious matter. It is no longer the incarnation of \”disagreement\”, but a weapon to \”hurt children\”. I got emotional and had a quarrel, and regretted it afterwards. Ten thousand voices floated through my mind, including the voices of parenting experts, the accusations of relatives and friends around me, and the internal questioning of myself: \”Don\’t do it in front of your children.\” Quarreling, even if he is very young. \”When you quarrel, do you think about the children?\” \”The most sorry thing is the children.\” …No one wants to quarrel, but sometimes quarrels are unavoidable. Is it true that parents quarreling is harmful to their children? Psychologists say: It’s not all bad, don’t be too nervous! I remember that in the popular drama \”Little Will\”, Nan Li played by Song Jia and Xia Junshan played by Tong Dawei can be said to be a pair of model parents. During the process of raising their children, they discussed and coordinated, supported and comforted each other. Seeing them living together makes the whole world feel peaceful. But even for such a \”model\” pair, there is no way they can avoid quarreling at all. For example, they had a big disagreement about choosing a cram school for their daughter, and they got into an argument while washing dishes. Their dispute was so real that people in the comments said that this is what real life is like, and couples will quarrel. Some people say that couples who don’t quarrel are abnormal. Quarrel is a very common part of life, or in other words, quarrel is also a kind of fireworks in life. Don\’t be afraid of quarrels. The impact on your children may not be as bad as you think. Sometimes we are particularly afraid of quarrels because we are afraid of having a bad impact on our children. But sometimes you can\’t control your emotions when they come up, and after the quarrel, you fall into deep self-blame and regret… In fact, the impact of quarrels between adults on children may not be as bad as you think. Jiangxi Satellite TV once conducted a survey on \”How do you feel when your parents quarrel?\” In it, a little boy said: \”I think it\’s very funny. Because their quarrel is a kind of emotional venting. I feel that after they finish the quarrel, , the feelings will become more and more profound. \”You see, from the child\’s perspective, not all parents\’ quarrels will hurt the children. Mark Cummings, a psychologist at the University of Notre Dame in the United States who has studied the subject of family conflict for nearly 30 years and published more than 100 psychological articles on parental quarrels and communication conflicts with his colleagues, believes that there are many family quarrels and conflicts. It will not harm the children, but rather, the children will benefit from their parents’ conflict resolution process [1]. But it should be noted that this quarrel pattern often has the following characteristics: Although there are quarrels and disagreements, the attitude is positive and the ultimate goal is to solve the problem; the quarrels are limited and will not develop into neighbors. They will not completely deny each other\’s opinions. During the quarrel, supporting and compromising the other half will be beneficial to family relationships and problem solving. If you only have the purpose of quarreling and winning, then the gains outweigh the losses. In the end, you win the quarrel, but you lose the relationship between husband and wife and the relationship between parents and children. After experiencing such a pattern of quarrels, childrenYou can better develop social skills and self-esteem, have a higher sense of security, build better relationships with your parents, perform better in school, and have fewer psychological problems. So, if you can argue \”right\”, don\’t be too nervous about it. It\’s okay to quarrel, but not so noisy! Although \”fighting correctly\” can bring some positive effects, some ways of arguing are still very harmful! To be avoided. \”Conflict in Marriage and Family: Gaining Emotional Safety\” co-authored by Professor Cummings and colleagues mentioned some behaviors that parents can hurt their children when quarreling [2]: Verbal violence-named personal attacks and insults , only for people and not for things. There are also threats to people around you, for example, to your partner: Let’s get a divorce; to your children: I don’t want you anymore. Adults can often understand that this is an angry remark, but children will take it seriously. In many cases, under the cognition of \”egocentrism\”, children will attribute the reason for their parents\’ quarrel to themselves. Domestic violence – physical assault (hitting, pushing), or throwing plates and bowls. Once you do it, the whole family will be harmed. Cold violence – Sometimes we think that it is not okay to quarrel, but I can always have a cold war. Replacing response and communication with a cold war is also a way of expressing violence. Whether it is avoidance or sulking, the other half can feel it, and the child can also feel it. Surrender – it seems like a concession, but in fact it is adding fuel to the fire. The most common sentence is: \”It\’s all my fault! What else do you want!\” The problem is not solved, and it may explode even more. contradiction. These arguments, which are completely out of control of emotions, are extremely damaging. Professor Cummings pointed out that this kind of family conflict will cause both psychological and physical harm to children. Psychologically, a follow-up survey found that children who grew up in an atmosphere where their parents often quarreled during kindergarten were more likely to have psychological problems such as depression and anxiety in junior high school [3]. Physiologically, there is a stress hormone (cortisol) in our body. Studies have found that when parents argue, children experience higher levels of stress hormones while they are anxious. The increase in stress hormones can lead to increased blood pressure and blood sugar and reduced immune response [4]. Such quarrels will not only hurt the children, but also everyone in the family. How to quarrel \”rightly\”? A family therapist from Berkeley, USA, believes that avoiding quarrels is not a solution to the problem. He provides everyone with some practical \”quarrel suggestions.\” 1. Even if they are quarreling, couples still have a cooperative relationship of \”wearing one pair of pants\”. If a couple always takes sides like in a debate, but there is no referee in real life, the problem will still remain the same in the end. Listening more to the other party\’s point of view and making concessions and compromises is not a loss in the argument, but a victory in cooperation. 2. Appropriate empathy and show your own empathy. Children have emotions, and when communicating with them, we often bring up empathy. When empathizing with children, we will carefully care for their feelings, understand their behaviors, help them describe their emotions in words, and let them know that they are seen and understood. This method also applies to couples. Let the other half know that we are trying to understand each other and put ourselves in the other person\’s position to think about the problem. Nan Li is analyzing the other half\’s thoughts 3. Whatever you want to say, you can add a little kindness. Disapproval, disappointment, irritation—all of these can be handled with a little kindness, telling the other person our objections. Just like in \”Little Reluctance\”, Nan Li objected to her daughter enrolling in more cram schools, but at the same time she also understood that her husband was in a state of anxiety. Therefore, she changed her rhetorical question to express her objection: \”In an anxious environment, shouldn\’t parents be more clear-headed in protecting their children?\” 4. Arguing is not about the person, and solving the problem is the key. Even if you are arguing, it is important to be clear about the issues you want to resolve. Arguing for the sake of solving problems must not turn into \”arguing for the sake of expressing emotions\” or \”arguing for the sake of quarreling\”. When they see contradictions and conflicts between their parents and their parents are capable of solving the problems, the children will be happy for their parents and the family. Moreover, children can gain a sense of security from it, even if parents encounter situations where they disagree. They know that parents are also capable of resolving these conflicts. When we and our partners tacitly choose to solve problems instead of violent communication, what does it matter if we have a little emotion or opinion? Arguments and conflicts become the spice of life. As the child said in the interview, \”After they finish arguing, their feelings will become deeper and deeper.\”