It ranks first among behaviors that destroy children’s drive, and 90% of parents do it.

Many parents have faced this situation: \”Why is my child always in a lethargic state and unable to cheer up for anything?\” \”My child doesn\’t like to study or exercise, and is only interested in playing games.\” More and more research shows that internal drive is of great significance to children\’s growth. According to research in Psychological Science, drive can predict students\’ academic performance and social skills, while also helping to stimulate children\’s creativity and innovative thinking. So, how do we awaken children’s inner drive? The less you care about your child, the more internal drive you will have. How to stimulate your child\’s internal drive? My answer is very simple, that is, the less you care about it, the more internal drive and self-reliance your children will have. The more you control, the more you worry, the less drive your child will have. Why do you say that? Let me tell you a story about my daughter when she was a child. When she was about one year old, I was having dinner at home and my friend came over. He had a little boy who was the same age as my daughter. Then my friend saw my daughter eating. The table was covered with broken vegetables and rice, and she was also dirty. He spoke more directly. He said: You are engaged in children\’s education and psychology. How did your own child become like this? Don\’t you want to feed him? The table is full of food, what did you do? I just smiled and said nothing. This scene is how I educate my children. When they are one year old, I let them eat and experience by themselves. Of course, the abilities of one-year-old children are very limited, which will bring a series of costs. At what cost? There will be a lot of food dropped on the table, the floor, and clothes. So there will be a dirty feeling. If I take action at this time, or ask my aunt to feed him, of course the child will be clean, and I will have a lot of face, but at what cost? Let me add that my friend has a son who is the same age as my daughter. He has been fed since he was a child. He ate when he was one year old. He is a clean and very gentle child who grew up. Okay, let me span this time period across ten years, the year I graduate from junior high school in 2020. Because they were classmates in the same school, that year my family organized a graduation trip to Beijing to visit the Great Wall. One day we stayed in a hotel and when we were having breakfast, a group of twelve or thirteen-year-old kids, each carrying a plate, went around looking for something to eat, without us having to worry about it at all. But my friend’s child sat down on the dining room table, waiting for his dad to run around and bring the food to him. This is an effect after ten years, which is external drive and internal drive. No matter what my daughter does today, what kind of school she enrolls in, what university she studies, or what major she majors in, it’s all her own decision. My friend\’s child is 16 years old this year, but his parents are still worried. They have to change schools from one school to another if they are not satisfied. The same goes for majors. Some time ago, the child wanted to study music, now he wants to study management, and now he wants to study finance. In short, he has raised a child whose parents have to worry about. From these two cases, we know that internal drive and external drive, self-discipline and heterodiscipline are developed at a young age., if we let our children go when they are young, the child will definitely become an internally driven child. But if we worry about everything for him when he is young and do everything for him, the child will be alienated and have no internal drive. Let me give another example of letting children bear direct consequences rather than indirect consequences. We were all children once. If my parents woke me up every day when I was young, I would definitely wait. Why? After all, my mother hasn’t called me since I woke up, so why should I get up? Even when my mother calls me, I don\’t want to get up, because I get angry and feel a little sleepy, so my mother calls me again. When she gets angry, I know it\’s time, so I get up. In this way, if things go on like this, my mother will ask me to eat, read, and do my homework. Later, I will ask my mother to ask for a job, find a wife, and even give birth to a child. It is an early habit to have others stare at you with a whip. Here I want to popularize a psychological principle called direct effect and indirect effect. When we raise our children, we must let them suffer direct consequences and not indirect consequences. What\’s the meaning? Let’s go back to the example of getting up. If a child doesn\’t get up, after he returns to school, the teacher will scold him for being late. If the teacher scolds him, it will be a direct consequence. But if he doesn\’t get up, his mother will scold him. If you don\’t get up again, you will be late when you return to school. It bothers him too when his mother is nagging. This is called an indirect consequence. So if he suffered indirect consequences, he would not suffer direct consequences. But if he does not suffer the indirect consequences, let him directly suffer the direct consequences, he has an internal drive. He will adjust his behavior to adapt to the world. Because no one is willing to endure pain, everyone seeks happiness and avoids pain. So let him try some direct consequences in life when he is young, then when he grows up in the future, he will pay a lot less. But if when he was young, his parents would give him a lot of indirect consequences in order to prevent him from suffering the direct consequences. From now on, he will wait for someone to help him, urge him, and become a supervisor around him. Such a child simply has no internal demand. Fan Deng’s reading recommendation: How to stimulate children’s internal drive pdf+mobi+epub So how to cultivate a child with internal drive? Finally, I will make a summary: First: hand over the child\’s life to him as soon as possible and let the child make the decision for his life. Second: Let the child bear the direct consequences of life and less the indirect consequences of life. Only direct consequences will teach him how to adapt to this society. We will never be able to accompany our children until they grow old and become parents throughout our lives. How many years can we supervise our children? We cannot accompany them all our lives. We will always grow old. If our child is already thirty or forty years old, it would be so shameful for us to still whip him behind his back. So when my child was young, I lost some face and let her have a table full of rice. I sacrificed some rice and vegetables and some face to let my child learn to take care of himself earlier. Will it cost me less later? A lot? so you todayIf you don’t pay the price, you will have to pay a bigger price tomorrow. If you don\’t let your child pay some growth costs today, he will pay a huge price in his lifetime in the future.