It\’s normal to lose your temper with your children, but please don\’t say \”I don\’t love you\” in every sentence

I took Su Bao to the Children\’s Museum on the weekend. When I was tired from walking, I sat down to rest. Not far away, a two- or three-year-old child suddenly started crying. The mother first picked her up and comforted her. The child started to cry while kicking his legs, and eventually he rolled all over the floor. The mother of the child got mad and yelled at the child: Why are you like this! I will never bring you here again! After being scolded by the mother, the child cried so much that he couldn\’t breathe. Under the frequent glances of tourists, the mother grabbed the child\’s hand and left the museum angrily. To be honest, I understand why the mother was angry. Perhaps she had a bad sleep the night before because the baby woke up several times during the night. Then I got up at six in the morning and had been leveling up and fighting monsters with my kids all morning. It took a lot of effort to bring him to the museum, but the baby would lie down on the floor when he disagreed. It is normal for adults to lose control of their emotions. As parents, our first intention is to be gentle with our children, but as novice parents, faced with the dual challenges of energy and emotion, losing temper is inevitable. But the message you send to your child when you lose your temper is very important. At least, don\’t let your child feel that every word you say is telling him: I don\’t love you. How to turn a tantrum into effective discipline? Some time ago, when Dad Su and I were reading the short book \”One Minute Father\”, a concept in the book impressed me deeply: if a child is disobedient, getting angry is often the most effective way to discipline him. This is not because getting angry is so wrong in itself, but because when we get angry at our children, we often forget to correct his behavior and instead attack the child himself. When people are attacked, they will instinctively protect themselves and at the same time defend their (wrong) behavior. The author\’s suggestion is: Discipline will be more effective if we focus on correcting the child\’s behavior rather than blaming the child as a person. The specific operation method can be divided into 4 steps: 1. Express your emotions, such as: \”You do this, it makes me very angry!\” 2. Explain clearly what behavior of your child makes you angry, the more specific the better, such as: \”Mom I said you can’t throw food on the floor on purpose, but this is the third time you’ve done it today.” 3. Offer alternative solutions: “Next time what you don’t want to eat, you can put it on the table.” 4. Let the child Know you love him: Take a deep breath, calm down, look him in the eyes and tell him, \”I\’m angry because I don\’t like your throwing away food, which sucks, but mommy loves you.\” (To Children a hug). The third step is to give an alternative to the wrong behavior, which I added based on \”One Minute Father\”. The child knows that he is wrong and needs to know what to do rightly. This step works well for Su Bao after he is two years old. A few days ago, Su Bao and I played with plasticine. At this time the doorbell rang, I went out to pick up a courier, and when I looked back, Su Bao had glued all the colorful plasticine to the new white wool carpet, and looked at me proudly. At this time, ten thousand wild horses roared past in my heart. Well, this is the second carpet my family has bought this month. You can guess why. I know this is just Su Bao\’s way of exploring the world, but two-year-old children should know that some explorations still need to be controlled. I knelt down and took SuBao held the plasticine in her hand and said to her seriously: Mom is very angry (expressing emotion). We said playdough was only for the table, and now the carpet is dirty and I\’m sad (tell me why). Su Bao lowered his head and looked at the carpet for a while, then at me, and almost burst into tears. I paused for more than ten seconds, silently saying calm down, calm down, and then asked her gently: \”Let\’s not let the plasticine stick to the carpet next time, okay? (Suggest a solution)\”. Every time when my two-year-old kid messes with me and I get angry, I try to go through this four-step formula for effective tantrums in my mind. Finally, I gently put my hand on her back and said, you know mom loves you very much, right? The expression on Su Bao\’s face was very complicated, including guilt, uneasiness and relief. Then she nodded and said to herself: \”Put it on the table to play.\” I gave Su Bao a hug. I remember the first time I saw this method in \”One Minute Father\”, I thought to myself, theory is theory, it is very difficult to practice. Who can remember so much when their temper gets worse? But many things require deliberate practice to see changes, and they are worth practicing, especially those things that you feel are important. Maybe the first time I tried it, I couldn\’t go on to the second step, but every time I persisted, I found that I became more comfortable in dealing with \”getting angry at my children\”. If you are really angry and cannot have a good conversation with your child, you can try leaving for two minutes to calm down before communicating with your child. By delaying your anger, half of your anger will be gone. Sometimes adults also need a little time-out. I am not opposed to losing temper with children. As long as the temper is focused on the \”point\” and you criticize the behavior rather than the child himself, the child will still know that you love him. And a child who knows that he is deeply loved will have less and less need for adults to lose his temper. Don\’t let emotions get in the way of expressing love.