It\’s scary to suggest that these words should never be said to children

Have you ever noticed a strange phenomenon – some parents worry about their children\’s affairs every day in their studies and life, but their children\’s behavior is very average and even very worrying; on the contrary, some parents don\’t care much. Children, but children can grow up smoothly, and are even very conscious, and their abilities are well developed. This often makes people dumbfounded. How come the more you take care of your children, the more problems you get? Many times, we think that there is a gap in children’s qualifications. But behind it, there is actually a key factor that affects children\’s growth: projection. What a child will grow into is not only affected by education and guidance, but also by what parents project to their children during the upbringing process. Children who are projected with a sense of weakness will become more powerless, unconscious in doing things, and more worrying. Children who are projected with a sense of strength will become more confident, aggressive, and more worry-free. What is the projection of parents onto their children? We can understand it this way – children will perceive what kind of person they are through interactions with their parents. Let me tell you a story first. My good friend Hanhan is on the verge of collapse almost every day, because her son Xiao Zhao, who is in fifth grade, never makes people worry and has a lot of problems with him, such as being careless: he often forgets to bring his textbooks to school and asks Hanhan, who is working, to send them to him. ; Has no sense of time: He always forgets time during holidays and plays, and needs Hanhan to help calculate time allocation, and reminds him to calm down and come back to do homework; he doesn’t think by himself when things happen: he only cries when he has conflicts with classmates, and Hanhan has to hold hands every time Teach him how to deal with it. Many people around her reminded Hanhan that she worried too much and that Xiao Zhao was already old, so the mother should take less care of him. In fact, Hanhan was already exhausted physically and mentally and longed for rest, but she couldn\’t rest assured. She often said: \”If I don\’t care, he will definitely mess with me, and I will have to wipe his butt, so I don\’t care!\” While helping, Hanhan will also reason with the child and emphasize that he will do better in the future. Solve the problem yourself. Originally, Hanhan planned to do more by herself at this stage, so that Xiao Zhao could become independent in the future. Unexpectedly, after doing so much, Xiao Zhao still doesn’t make people worry. Sometimes, Hanhan sees that other people\’s parents don\’t work as hard as her own, and their children can be self-conscious and sensible. Every time she compares this, she feels envious and depressed. What went wrong? The more parents worry, the less worry-free their children will be. In fact, when Hanhan worries too much, Xiao Zhao will also feel in the process that he is a weak and incompetent person. Many parents will encounter similar dilemmas as Hanhan. Usually we think that children are careless, so parents have to worry. For preschoolers, this is certainly true. But as the children grow older, the opposite is true – the more parents worry, the less worry-free the children are. Because behind excessive worrying, parents are actually projecting a sense of weakness onto their children, thinking that their children know nothing, do not understand, and are unable to do anything. The projection process consists of 3 parts. 1. Parents think their children are \”weak\”. First of all, in the eyes of parents, children are – incapable of solving problems; unable to face setbacks; unable to grow. This is a latent layerThe understanding may not be expressed in words. Such parents will become full of worries when looking at their children. They always feel that their children have not done this well or that they have not done enough, and they are full of problems. This sense of uneasiness will invisibly affect the interaction between parents and children. 2. Parents are overly nervous and over-careful. Next, the way parents treat their children will have the following characteristics – strong emotional reactions when encountering problems: every time Xiao Zhao has a problem (such as forgetting to bring textbooks, quarreling with classmates), Han Han will Handu appeared overly nervous. When educating children, nagging them repeatedly: Every time when educating children, I worry that they won’t listen or can’t do it, so I will say one thing many times and emphasize it over and over again. Avoiding/solving problems on behalf of the child: Ru Hanhan believes that Xiao Zhao is weak and feels that he cannot face being criticized by the teacher for not doing his homework. He does not think that the child will reflect on his growth after being criticized, so he always urges him to do his homework. In life, when some parents see that their children’s desks are not clean, housework is not done well, and studies are not planned, they directly go to help and deal with it on their children’s behalf. This also deprives their children of the opportunity to grow. Parents who blame and dislike their children will inevitably accumulate resentment while helping. As a result, he will verbally dislike the child and keep nagging him, saying that this is not good and that is not good. 3. The child accepts the above behavior of the projecting parent. Although on the surface it is caring and helping the child, what the child feels is – the problem is huge and difficult, and I cannot handle it; parents will always help solve it. So that\’s my parents\’ business, not mine; I\’m just a terrible, incompetent person. Finally, the child identifies with the projection and puts himself in a \”weak\” position. As a result, their words and deeds become withdrawn, unwilling to think or find solutions, and their parents push them before they move. Seeing their children like this, parents will deepen the idea that \”the children are weak\” and continue to take care of them. Thus, a \”cycle of projecting feelings of weakness\” is formed. In this process, parents will become more and more worried and exhausted, and their children will become weaker and weaker. Worry less and your children will grow better. Corresponding to projecting a sense of weakness, there is an interaction pattern that projects a sense of strength. Last year, my grandfather took Xiao Zhao back to the countryside for a summer vacation, allowing him to experience this new interaction. At first, Hanhan and her husband were worried that their children would not be able to adapt, but my grandfather is a confident and open-minded person and thought this was totally fine. Soon after, something happened. Xiao Zhao wanted to go fishing, and his grandfather asked him to prepare bait. But Xiao Zhao couldn\’t remember it. He either forgot to prepare it or forgot to take it with him, which resulted in him not being able to catch it several times. However, grandpa didn\’t just say: \”If you forget, then we have to go home.\” There was no excessive blame or excessive reminder. The next time you go out, it\’s up to Xiao Zhao to decide whether to bring bait or not. Sometimes, grandpa would joke in a child\’s tone: \”Hey, whether I can catch a fish next time depends entirely on you!\” After a few times, Xiao Zhao began to realize that grandpa would not help, so he asked Write things down in your hand to remind yourself to remember. Slowly, he began to become interested in everyday things. Grandpa\’s care for Xiao Zhao was far less meticulous than that of his parents, but Xiao Zhao experienced a deep sense of stability. In the past, if he didn\’t do anythingIf something goes wrong, his parents will immediately rush over in a panic and help him deal with the problem while giving careful instructions. In contrast, grandpa almost never panics, but is always there steadily, and will give some support and encouragement, but will not solve the problem for Xiao Zhao. For example, when Xiao Zhao has a conflict with a child from the countryside, grandpa will not take the initiative to come forward. Instead, he will wait for Xiao Zhao to ask for help, and then grandpa will give some advice, mostly letting him handle it on his own. The summer vacation is almost over, and my parents are coming to the countryside to stay for a few days. One day, grandpa took everyone to climb a nearby mountain. For a section of the way, they had to step on stones on the creek. Xiao Zhao was about to leave, but his parents reminded him anxiously: \”You have to be careful, you must go slow, don\’t fall!\” \”It\’s too dangerous here, so don\’t leave!\” \”You can step on the one on the right. A stone, bigger!\” Although these words were well-intentioned, Xiao Zhao became anxious, and he began to doubt whether he could walk through it. At this time, grandpa seemed to notice something, and then said seriously: \”Don\’t talk, you two, let him go by himself, he can walk over.\” So, his parents stopped talking, and Xiao Zhao felt that his heart became stable. , the attention is also more focused. He moved very slowly and finally reached the other side. This experience left a deep impression on Hanhan, because in her mind, her son must not be able to do such a challenging thing. Treating the child as a \”powerful\” person The way Hanhan and her grandfather treat the child corresponds to the two interaction modes of projecting a sense of weakness and projecting a sense of strength. The core belief of the latter is – children are capable of solving problems, so there is no need to be overly nervous; children can face setbacks, so there is no need to deliberately protect them; children can grow through experiences, so there is no need to push them forward. Walk. Based on this understanding, when frustration comes, grandpa will not overly comfort or educate, but will give the child space to reflect. At the same time, when the child needs help, the grandpa will stop it and give the child space to try to solve the problem on his own. It can be said that grandpa always regarded Xiao Zhao as a powerful person. His firm belief actually hints to the child at all times that he is capable of doing things well. Therefore, children will gradually face up to their own responsibilities, learn to reflect, think, and find ways to face problems. Then, growth happens quietly. On the contrary, although some parents say they believe in their children and teach them to be independent, they still worry too much about everything when it comes to getting along, asking questions and intervening in every little thing in study and life. In essence, this is still treating the child as a weak person, and ultimately projects a feeling of weakness. Therefore, the key to judging what parents project in the parent-child relationship is not what they say, but what the parents do and how it makes the children feel. So, if our interactions with our children are in a pattern of weak projection, how can we reverse it? In every step, what needs to be acknowledged to improve the sense of strength is that if you want to change from \”projecting a sense of weakness\” to \”projecting a sense of strength\”, there is no shortcut to this process and you can only practice it slowly. Because behind the projection mechanism is to project our true inner stateWhen it comes to children, this process cannot be faked. However, we can still improve it through the following three methods. 1. Be aware in time. Most of the time, parents are not aware when they are projecting feelings of weakness. Therefore, when you find that you often worry about your child\’s affairs and get very anxious, you might as well stop and ask yourself: At this moment, am I treating my child as a weak, incompetent person who cannot grow? If so, then you can tell yourself: Now, I am projecting my own weakness onto the child, not the child himself. Thus, turn your attention to yourself and stop projecting \”feelings of weakness.\” 2. Pay more attention to what their children have done. Some parents will habitually focus on what their children have not done. But the more they look at these things, the more anxious they will be and the more they will feel that their children are useless. Therefore, you need to consciously remind yourself to observe your children\’s progress more, instead of being disturbed by impetuous parenting views and belittling your children with excessive external standards. Each child\’s growth will have its own unique rhythm, so just follow your own pace. 3. The sense of weakness and strength of people in the adjustment circle will be passed on to each other and infected. The reason why Hanhan is so anxious about parenting is partly influenced by the circle of parents around her. If we want to project a sense of strength to our children, we need to become powerful people ourselves. For Hanhan, she can be closer to her father. We can intentionally approach powerful people around us, whether they are colleagues, relatives, friends, or other parents, and accept the projection of a sense of power. Everyone is born with power. But if people accept negative hints for a long time, they will forget this strength and think that they can only live weakly. Both adults and children need to learn to awaken their inner strength. Not only see setbacks and challenges, but also opportunities and growth. The child will grow up and find his own way, and you will also grow up and find a better way to get along with your child. Education is never about oppression, control, or lying down; it is about seeing, guiding, inspiring, being equal, walking along the way, and each pursuing his or her own ideals. Education is deep love, encouragement, blessing, and walking through a journey of life together!