Losing patience with your children and scolding them loudly if they disagree with you?

Many parents have listened to various experts and parenting courses, and most of them are probably asked to control their anger and treat their children gently. But when you encounter a child who is worried and spends time with him day and night, you really don’t know how to control your temper. Every time I lose my temper, I feel regretful for a while, feeling that it is too bad for my child. But next time it will continue… the cycle goes on endlessly, the mother is helpless, the child feels uncomfortable, and in the end it seems that the educational effect is not very good. Why your scolding has no effect (1) Emotional overload When a child does something wrong, the mother sees that the child has not done well and refuses to change despite repeated admonitions. She immediately becomes angry with the child, scolds the child loudly, and asks why the child disobeys every time and why. I couldn\’t listen to anything my mother said. And these words with great resentment directly conveyed the resentment to the children. If a child accepts too much of this negative emotion, he will enter a state of \”emotional overload\” – which is manifested by stopping what he is doing and looking at his mother blankly or being blindly resistant and rebellious. Therefore, when a child has experienced emotional overload and the child\’s brain has been shut down, no matter how much he is scolded, the child will appear to have a \”bad memory\”. (2) Attention deprivation: If the child does not do well in homework, cannot think of the questions, and is in poor condition and drags his movements. Parents\’ urging and scolding will only deprive the children of their remaining attention to the parents\’ scolding words. It is conceivable that the next things the children do will be more chaotic and confusing, let alone doing better. Yes. So what we often see is that the more children push, the slower they become, the slower they get, the more they scold, and the more they scold, the less they know what to do. The child makes a mistake and the parents are very angry. What should be done better at this time? When parents are very angry and unable to control it, they may try the following methods: (1) Gentle isolation is not about \”locking the child in a small dark room\”. That kind of punishment will bring about a child\’s sense of insecurity and may have a greater negative impact on the child. The gentle isolation mentioned here, simply put, is to allow the children to temporarily leave the \”crime scene\”, allowing each other to calm down, to avoid emotional overload of the children, and to allow parents enough time to think about the next response strategy. Then let the child think clearly before coming to the parents. This method is suitable for when the child is in a strong mood or when the matter is not critical, but the child is very rebellious, and the parents want the child to think for himself first. [Case] ​​The mother doesn’t let her 7-year-old child watch TV and wants to go to bed, but the child doesn’t want to. The mother forcibly turned off the TV, and the child started crying. Next, mothers can refer to the following steps: ①Accept the child\’s emotions: I know you really want to watch TV and don\’t want to sleep. I force you to sleep, and you feel uncomfortable, right? ② State the rules: But it’s very late now, you must go to bed. If you don’t sleep, you will feel uncomfortable in class tomorrow and your body will not be able to recover well. ③ Limit a choice to your child: You now have two choices, either go to bed immediately, or let your mother tell you a story before going to bed. ④ Gentle isolation: Now sit on the sofa and think about which one to choose. When you stop crying and calm down, come to me again. Mom will do something next to you without leaving you. ⑤ Encouragement and praise: When the child has thought about it, praise the child, and hug the child to tell him that he is sensible. Give your child some recognition. ⑥ If the child is recalcitrant, the mother should firmly not look at the child, not talk to the child, not give physical contact, and tell the child when to calm down and when to hug the child again. Of course, this does not mean that the above steps will work for every family. Many children who have developed crying and rebellious behaviors may need several firm attempts to gradually reduce the time for children to cry and be rebellious. Establish family rules. Therefore, in every attempt, the most important thing for parents is to hold on to their bottom line gently but firmly and without compromise, so that they can establish rules more effectively. (2) Let the child bear the consequences gently and firmly because of the instinct of caring for the child. Even if we scold the child, many times we will still choose to let the child go away after scolding and help the child deal with the consequences of doing something wrong ourselves. . For example, the water glass was spilled. After scolding the child, the mother wiped the table and the floor. Or maybe I forgot to bring my homework book, and my mother scolded me on the other end of the phone, and then she had to rush over to deliver the homework book. She didn\’t forget to say a few words during the meeting, and then hurried back to the workplace. In fact, we don\’t have to do this. We need to understand that the purpose of educating our children now is so that they can solve problems and deal with negative consequences on their own when we are gone. So what we need our children to practice more now is not to let them avoid bad consequences as much as possible, but to let them learn to properly handle the consequences of their actions, learn from them, and try not to do it again in the future. People\’s acceptance of a truth never relies on preaching, but on experience. Letting children experience the dilemma of not bringing books to class or being punished by the teacher may be more useful than parents rushing over to help their children make up for it and then nagging them all day long. So every time we want to help a child, we can first ask ourselves the following three questions: 1. Will helping him enhance his memory? 2. Can the child handle this problem on his own? 3. If it cannot be dealt with, will it have an indelible negative impact on the child\’s personal safety and heart? If the answers to these three questions are all negative, then we can endure it for the time being. Don’t nag the child angrily, let alone help the child make up for his mistakes. Instead, let the child handle it by himself and bear the consequences of his own behavior. . If the child does not know how to do it, you can give verbal suggestions or help with individual steps that the child cannot take for granted, but do not do it all for you. For example, I told my children many times not to put the water glass on their right hand side when eating, because it would be easy to spill it when picking up vegetables. But this time the child spilled the water glass again. At this time, if the parent scolds the child in anger, the child will most likely stand there stupidly, not knowing what to do (emotional overload). Parents may be even more angry when they see this scene. The mother may scold the child and mop the floor and wipe the table before letting the child eat. A wonderful dinner could be ruined. If you haven’t taught your children anything yet, they may not be able to remember it next time. And if at this time the parents calmly ask their children what should they do now? Let children learn by themselvesWipe the table, mop the floor, and teach the children the process, order and operation methods of doing these household chores. Not only does it allow children to experience how troublesome it is to touch a cup, they may be more willing not to put the cup next to them next time, it also allows children to practice doing housework and improves their ability to live independently. Wouldn’t it kill two birds with one stone?