Make parenting wonderful – parenting tips from a doctorate mother

Laura Markham is a doctor of clinical psychology from Columbia University, a best-selling author of global family education, and a mother. Dr. Laura has a bright smile, humorous and vivid language, and a heart full of parenting wisdom. After Laura\’s daughter was born, she was a \”hot girl\” who was not easy to raise. She was probably what we call a \”difficult child to raise\”. She grew up under Dr. Laura\’s peaceful upbringing and has now grown into a young man with high emotional intelligence and confidence. Dr. Laura’s speeches usually begin with a story about her daughter, and she always puts her daughter’s photo on the PPT of her lectures. It can be seen how proud she is of her daughter. In fact, we think that what makes Dr. Laura most proud is not the achievements of her children, but that even though her daughter has grown up, the relationship between mother and daughter is still close, which is rare in Western parent-child relationships. The most important principle of peaceful parenting is to maintain a close relationship between parents and children. With this solid foundation, you will find that parenting will not make you anxious or irritable, but a wonderful thing to experience wisdom slowly growing in love. What is 80% of parenting? In one of Dr. Laura\’s workshops, a mother said that the salary in her unit was attractive and the treatment was very good, but the nature of the work meant that she could not stay with her children for a long time. She wanted to ask Dr. Laura what parents should do in this situation. Better parenting. Dr. Laura’s answer was unequivocal: “Change jobs!” In her opinion, if you can’t be with your children during the important stages of their growth, it’s impossible to have a good parent-child relationship with your children. Even high-quality companionship must be guaranteed by time. There are only a few days of companionship in a year, no matter how high the quality is, it doesn\’t work. Of course, she also explained that in the situation described by the mother, if one parent can always stay with the child, and the often absent parent can use many methods to make the child feel his love, that would be okay. Dr. Laura is particularly opposed to punishment, threats and other models in parenting, and she even disapproves of the \”cold treatment\” method, because she feels that these methods may appear to be effective on the surface – your child does what you ask. But in fact, the child has suffered \”internal injuries\” and your relationship has been severely damaged. She believes that only by peacefully raising children and improving the relationship between yourself and your children can parenting be truly effective. Your children will follow your guidance, and you can become an influential person for them. Children who have a close parent-child relationship with their parents will also have a strong sense of security and the ability to move toward the future step by step. Therefore, she believes that 80% of the effort in parenting should be spent on maintaining a good relationship with the children. Fight or flight? All parents find themselves in a dilemma when our kids piss us off: Is it a fight? Or run away? Dr. Laura helps us imagine this \”anger\” to be a tiger. When such a beast charges towards you, our response is to either fight it or run away. But in fact, no matter what actions you take, you are fooled! Because the \”tiger\” is still there, the peaceful parenting method is: take this ferociousThe tiger turned into a docile little white rabbit! What to do? Rather than rushing into action, notice your emotions and manage them first. This is not only to turn the \”tiger\” into a \”white rabbit\”, but also to provide children with an example of emotional adjustment. Pay attention to your tone and words, give up those threatening words, and speak to your children in a gentle and calm manner. The attitude of parents actually determines the child\’s next reaction to a large extent. Once you stop being stuck in the \”fight or flight\” mode and instead plan to \”make magic,\” you will also find that the \”tiger\” across from you is no longer your enemy, but your dearest baby. , he needs you to accompany him to calm down, and there are some things that he needs your help with. This matter of support may have been overlooked by you. Sometimes, in our parenting puzzle, we have expectations, rules, and meticulous care, but we find that the effect is still not ideal. Maybe, that\’s because you\’re missing an important piece – support. If you want your child to achieve certain goals and achieve certain achievements, it is not something that he can accomplish alone. Parents must provide their children with appropriate and effective support. Dr. Laura emphasized that this support is like scaffolding – once the building is built, it is dismantled, but without the scaffolding, the building cannot continue to be built. This kind of \”scaffolding\” support helps children build their own inner structure and achieve success in specific behaviors. How to provide effective support to children? Empathy In parenting, parents should always guide their children with a loving and tolerant heart. This requires us to learn to always see things from the child\’s perspective and try our best to understand the child\’s feelings. In fact, you will find that children are more willing to cooperate with their parents when they feel understood. Accept emotions. All children\’s \”misbehavior\” is caused by emotions. This emotion may come from a sense of helplessness, or it may be a combination of multiple emotions. In short, it is all \”making a mountain out of a molehill\”, and the same is true for adults. If we can accept the child\’s emotions, such as comforting him lovingly when he cries, and telling him that his parents are waiting to hug him when he is emotional, it will reduce his anxiety and automatically improve his behavior. To guide him to think of a solution on his own is to either tell the child how to solve the problem or to support him. It is best to guide the child to come up with a solution on his own. If a child knows that he can always find a way to make bad things better and make a difference, he will feel his inner strength and become brave and assertive. This is also an important part of raising \”resilient\” children. Dabao \”hates\” Erbao, what should I do? Dr. Laura also has a son, the brother of \”Hot Girl\”. The relationship between the brother and sister is very harmonious and they are each other\’s best friends. She feels that although there are many techniques for mediating the relationship between siblings, perhaps the most important thing is that parents must first accept the eldest child to vent his negative emotions of \”hating\” the second child. Dr. Laura said that after she gave birth to her daughter, her son was very unhappy and would come to her and complain: \”She is not as good as you said she can play with me?! What should I do? I just hate her!\” Laura The doctor said that what she did at that time was to accept her son\’s emotions, hold her son in her arms and tell himHe: \”Dear, I understand your feelings very well. It is really difficult to share your mother with others! But you have to promise me that when you feel that your mother has been shared and you are sad, you must Come tell mom, mom will always understand you.\” She said that after she said these words to her son, his son relaxed and played with himself for a while, then ran to his sister\’s crib and patted his sister gently. Coax her to play. Therefore, Dr. Laura tells parents who have a second child or are preparing to have a second child, when the eldest child expresses negative emotions towards his younger brother or sister, he should treat it calmly and do not lecture him: \”Why are you so ignorant?! You have to love you My brother/sister!\” Instead, you should sincerely accept his unhappiness and express your understanding.