Many parents fail in this method of educating their children and communicating with them

A few days ago, I saw a post on Weibo, and I couldn\’t calm down for a long time. The cause was that a netizen posted a chat record between himself and his parents. Across the screen, one can feel the grievances and despair piling up in the hearts of netizens. In a few short conversations, there was no understanding, no relief, only accusations from different angles. Suffocating. \”Actually, every time I send a WeChat message, I can guess what they will reply to. But every time, I still have a bit of stupid expectation.\” This post also made many netizens feel the same and express their feelings. How parents should educate their children: A complete set of 10 volumes of children\’s education mobi+epub+azw3 We often hear complaints like this: \”Why don\’t you say anything to me now? You just ask and answer every time.\” When I was a child, I obviously said Parents talk about everything, but why did they start to drift away and become speechless? They talk a lot about love, but they look \”ferocious\”. What caused the children to no longer want to communicate with their parents during their growth process? A netizen told his story. When I was taking a bath when I was little, my mother was afraid that she would catch a cold, so she always liked to use very hot water. She protested more than once, but her mother always said, \”It\’s not hot, it will get cold after washing,\” and then forced her into the basin. After too many times, she felt that it was useless to say anything, so she could only choose to obey and keep suffering in the hot water. Then one time, the water temperature really exceeded the limit she could tolerate. After years of painful bathing, and every time her mother was indifferent, she finally broke down and burst into tears. As a result, the mother responded coldly: \”What\’s the point of crying! Just drink some cold water.\” After netizens had their own children and read parenting books, they realized that from babies to children, the skin gradually thickens. . But in this process, children\’s skin is always thinner than that of adults, so they are more \”afraid of being burned\” than adults. \”I can understand that my mother was afraid that I would catch a cold, and she was doing her best for me. But as a child, I was still very disappointed and sad.\” In fact, many parents around me are like this. When a child makes some achievements, even if the parents are proud of the child, they should lightly say \”Don\’t be proud\”; when the child is wronged and wants to seek comfort, what he gets is a reprimand to \”look for the reasons within yourself.\” What he said was all truth and philosophy, but he never paid attention to the children\’s inner emotions. Can you say they don\’t love children? No, many of them, even if they sacrifice and dedicate everything, still want to give their children the ultimate love. But this kind of love is armed with authority. On the surface, they take great care of their children, but in fact, they only care about whether what their children do meets their standards. Children are not allowed to disobey, and children are not allowed to disrespect themselves. They may even intensify their criticism and control of their children when they question and resist, in order to maintain their central position in the parent-child relationship. They say it\’s love, but in the children\’s hearts it looks ferocious. The parents knew nothing and the child burst into tears. On the talk show \”It\’s hard to tell, but I really want to hear it\”, there was a mother and son. The son is a fashion publicist. In order to sign a contract, he can drink like crazy with his clients until he is admitted to the hospital. But even so, he was unwilling to tell his mother, or evenBe willing to admit that it is your home. My mother was very sad and confused. Later, the son confessed that in his memory, his door was unlocked and his mother could read the diary at will. Even when he fell down 13 times while learning to skate, his mother never helped him once. Because his mother feels that he should be allowed to have a sense of stumble and frustration from an early age so that he can grow up. In the end, the facts proved that the son did learn to be strong and solve problems on his own, but he would never ask his mother for help again. Many parents always put themselves as people who have experienced this, and under the banner of \”being good for their children\”, they lead the direction of their children\’s progress. But children are people, not things, and they have their own emotions. When they need their parents\’ understanding and support most, what they get is indifference, rejection and neglect from their parents again and again. That disappointment will take root in their young hearts. There used to be a colleague in the company, but I had no contact with her family from the time we met. Occasionally, when I receive a call from my parents, I just put it off in a few words. I once thought she was a cold person. It wasn\’t until I had a chat with her that I found the answer. When she was a child, her family conditions were not very good and she didn\’t have much pocket money. After saving for a long time, she bought a notebook she liked and happily showed it to her mother. Mom’s first words: Where did you get the money? Mom’s second sentence: You have a lot of money and no place to spend it, right? When she grew up, she thought she would make money if she had a job, and she was finally qualified to be coquettish with her mother. The result: She said she was tired from work, and her mother said, \”Well, your salary is high.\” She said she was targeted by the leader, and her mother said, if you are right, can others criticize you? She said her childhood left trauma, and her mother said, \”Are you lacking food and clothing?\” Not for you to study? Is it a sin to raise you? \”So now I don\’t feel like a family member to them at all. I have nothing to talk about when we stay together, and I don\’t want to hear any news from home.\” In psychology, this psychological defense mechanism is called \”disappointment emotional isolation.\” After repeated disappointments accumulate, they no longer regard their parents as emotional support, no longer want to have an emotional connection with their parents, and are afraid of being hurt again. Even if the parents want to express their concern later, to them, the belated concern is like a cotton-padded jacket in summer, a straw mat in winter, or the kind words at a funeral. The intimacy that I once wanted most has no meaning now. Even when some children desperately want to get rid of the trauma caused by their parents, what their parents are thinking is, why are their children not grateful? How sad. There are no perfect parents and no perfect families. But today, I don’t want to simply blame parents. Placing the blame only on parents is unfair to them. Family educator Wu Xiaole once told the story of student Ji Xiaodi. Ji Xiaodi is the younger brother in a family of two children. When he was growing up, his parents always compared him with his academically excellent elder sister. In order to encourage him to study, Ji\’s mother required a test in every tutoring class and had to give Ji a double amount of homework. However, during the tutoring process, Wu Xiaole discovered that although Ji Xiaodi had a weak knowledge base, he was very talented in basketball. But Ji\’s mother didn\’t care. Not only did she not let Ji Xiaodi continue practicing, she even became moreSupervise his studies vigorously. As a result, this method was not only ineffective, but also aroused Ji Xiaodi\’s rebellious mentality. He was perfunctory in his studies and his grades plummeted. Seeing this scene, Wu Xiaole wanted to persuade Ji Xiaodi\’s mother to face the differences between the two children and not push the child too hard. But Mother Ji asked back: \”As parents, we are on tenterhooks every day. Yesterday we apologized for our children\’s rude behavior, and today we may be praised by others for our children\’s achievements. The success or failure of parents is always tied to their children.\” Together… If we let our children follow their own interests and cannot find a formal job in the future, who will really be responsible? Teacher, would that person be you? Isn\’t it?\” Wu Xiaole was stunned immediately. Only then did he realize: It turns out that many parents are also struggling in pain, confused and even afraid. In recent years, with the popularity of psychology, there has been a lot of discussion about the family of origin. Many people blame all their setbacks and misfortunes on the trauma they experienced while growing up. Constantly find examples of \”parents ruining you\” and angrily denounce \”parents are a disaster\” to reduce your own pressure and shame. But the age gap that is difficult to bridge makes the two generations destined to have different growth experiences and ways of thinking. Their parents grew up in an era when material was scarce and survival was more important than health, not to mention the so-called vision, knowledge, and parenting concepts… Their life experience was limited to this. Under the dual pressure of raising children and family life, they would also Anxiety: If your child is not good enough, how will the outside world question your parents for not raising them well? Under this pressure, many parents would rather control their children simply and roughly than be labeled as \”delaying their children\”. In addition, parents themselves also have many unresolved traumas, repressed desires, long-lasting poverty and insecurity, and have not been loved well… Whether intentional or unintentional, the accumulation of various factors shows rejection and rejection of their children. indifferent. The antidote to family relationship problems is a sentence you often see: \”Parents are waiting for their children to say thank you, but children are waiting for their parents to say sorry.\” But in objective reality, this is a proposition that has no solution. Each generation has its own way of education, and each generation has its own way of inheriting its destiny. And by the time we can see this, our parents may have grown older. How can we blame them who have never been loved and have the ability to love us well? In this world, you can choose both love and friendship, but only family love cannot be chosen. When we realize this, many dilemmas will be solved. Psychologist Hu Shenzhi proposed in the book \”Out of the Original Family\” that there are three steps to solve the dilemma of the original family: acceptance, repair and blocking. 1. Accept the existence of trauma. In almost all family parenting models, wrong education methods cannot be avoided. No one’s childhood is perfect. Blindly escaping and suppressing your own pain, or hoping that your parents will change to heal childhood trauma, will only plunge you into a whirlpool of pain. Our family of origin is not an excuse for us to evade and shirk our responsibilities. Only when we accept the existence of trauma can we proceed to the next step of repair.Complex adjustment. 2. Make a connection with your past self. The so-called repair is not to settle old scores with your parents and tell them how sad and hurt you were at that time, but to establish a connection with yourself at that time. Use who you are now to protect yourself at that time, and tell her from your current perspective: \”Don\’t be afraid, it\’s not your fault, it\’s the adult\’s fault. Now you have the power to protect yourself, and your feelings and emotions are It’s the most important thing.” 3. Blocking trauma and choosing supportive resources. Will our family of origin affect us throughout our lives? Yes, it will affect our life attitude, but it is not a lifelong destiny. As long as you are willing, you can use blocking to make yourself make new choices and changes. The way to block it is to find supportive resources, which can be positive and positive people, or you can seek help from professionals. \”The emotions and relationships we have with our parents are a fate that no one can escape, and they are the mark of a strong character. It deeply affects our attitudes toward love, intimacy, and work and career. It can be lifelong. Shackles can also be a life-long medicine.\” The latest and most complete 2023 [Kindergarten, Junior High School, and Senior High School] premium VIP course catalog from famous teachers in various disciplines, click here to view it now! Whether our parents change, whether our parents apologize to us, even if we cannot reconcile with our parents throughout our lives, it does not prevent us from finding our own happiness. Because the way out for the original family is not to wait for the awakening of our parents, but whether our growth is enough. When you have the ability and consciousness to control yourself and your environment, you will continue to learn and grow in the process. Then pass it on to our next generation with a more positive attitude and approach, forming a virtuous cycle. This is the greatest significance of our reflection on family education.