Methods and techniques for parents to communicate with their children

There is a topic on Zhihu: What causes children to no longer want to communicate with their parents during their growth process? How do parents communicate with their children? The most acceptable way of education for children.mobi has more than 13 million views on this topic. One netizen’s answer was very disturbing. Doesn’t it hurt to see this? Most of the time, children refuse to speak because it is scarier to say than not to say. After talking about it for a while: being criticized, ridiculed, denied, even rejected and attacked. The message the child receives is: Not only is it useless if I say it, it will make me worse, so I choose not to say it. So, back to the original question, what causes children to no longer want to communicate with their parents? To a large extent, it’s the parents! A harmonious parent-child relationship must be: children are willing to listen to their parents\’ words; parents know how to listen to their children\’s words. So what do you say so that your children are willing to listen? How do you listen so that your children are willing to speak? Regarding communication, you might as well learn these four psychological laws, and you will definitely benefit a lot. McLabin\’s Law criticizes children, and low-pitched education is more effective. Some people say that children are difficult to manage: they often make mistakes, do things carelessly, and are rebellious… But when it comes to children, the more impatient parents are, the more fearful they will be, which will lead to the breakdown of the parent-child relationship. Therefore, communicating with children always requires soft wisdom. This has to mention Melrabin\’s law, also called the 7/38/55 law. What it means is that during our communication process, the person who is \”listening\” receives: 55% of the information is through vision, such as gestures, expressions, movements, demeanor, etc.; 38% is through hearing, such as the intonation of speech, Volume, speaking speed, etc.; only 7% is the content of the speech. In other words, children can most easily obtain information from their parents’ body and expressions. A friend once said something about his son who was in elementary school. One time, my son was doing homework at home because his handwriting was illegible. The father yelled directly at his son: What did you write? Rewrite it! Then, the father tore up the page, and the son shivered with fear. Later, the son wrote twice in a row, and the father tore it up twice. The father was still not satisfied. After writing for the fourth time, my son finally passed the test. But the next day, the father discovered that his son had written \”I hate Dad! I hate him so much\” on the back cover of his little book. If the parents insist on confronting him head-on and the child surrenders on the surface, in fact he will not be convinced in his heart. Because what he remembers forever is his father\’s ferocious expression and the action of tearing up his homework book. Parents\’ yelling can make children\’s brains perceive a crisis. There will be three instinctive reactions in the child\’s mind: attack, escape, and freeze, and there is no time to think about anything else. As the \”Journal of Child Development\” says: Parents yelling at their children can cause anxiety and depression in children, and increase behavioral problems. Communication method is the key to solving problems and is also the mirror of parent-child relationship. Yelling and cursing will not make children remember longer. The lower the parent\’s voice, the calmer the child\’s mood will be. If you use a low tone when criticizing children, education will be more effective. The white bear effect’s positive suggestion is more effective. In 1987, Harvard psychologist Daniel Wegener conducted a simple experiment. He divided the participants into 2 groups. The first group cannot think about the white bear for 5 minutes; the second group canThink of anything, including white bears. In the experiment, the subjects were asked to ring the bell once whenever they thought of the white bear to measure the number of times they thought of the white bear. As a result, the group that was prohibited from thinking about the white bear rang the bell the most times. This is the famous \”white bear experiment.\” The phenomenon that occurs is the \”white bear effect\”: the more you want to forget, the more you will remember; the more you prevent it, the easier it is to happen. In the same way, when it comes to parenting, the less we let our children do something, the more they like to oppose it and sing the opposite. When you say to your child, \”No yelling!\”, the child will \”scream louder.\” When you say to the child, \”No snacks,\” the child will \”steal snacks.\” Don\’t watch TV!\”, the children will \”watch more fascinated\”; no, no, no, these dialogue patterns can easily trigger the white bear effect: the stronger the language we prohibit, the stronger the response of the child\’s desire will be. Words of attack and denial are actually negative psychological implications. For curious children, faced with such a hint, it is difficult not to verify the consequences of doing so. Instead of blindly preventing and giving negative hints to children, we should give them positive and positive instructions. When a child receives positive instructions, he or she will believe it and strive to become that beautiful person. It will also be easier for the child to face the world positively, be full of energy, and smile enthusiastically. Therefore, never underestimate the power of \”hint\”. Condiment Effect Parents will say \”nonsense\”, and children are more likely to open up, \”Have you finished your homework?\” \”What score did you get in the math test this time?\” \”What did the teacher say today?\” Is this how you chat with your children? As everyone knows, conversations that are too purposeful and useful will make children feel bored and gradually close their hearts. There is a \”condiment effect\” in psychology: some seemingly useless \”nonsense\” can often increase people\’s psychological integration. Writer Zhou Guoping once wrote in a book about conversations he had with his daughter, and the content was always all kinds of \”nonsense.\” \”Is there really a Santa Claus?\” \”Why do you love mom and dad?\” \”What is it like to grow up?\” \”How long is the world\’s lifetime?\” During the relaxed chat, the daughter also learned aesthetics, love, and wisdom from her father. Insights on life, etc. These seemingly endless \”nonsense\” actually make it more useful to children. A friend who is a counseling psychologist shared a story from a book. Dad learned that his son Lele had a conflict with his classmates at school, but he did not talk about it rashly. After dinner, Dad went to Lele\’s room to bring a glass of milk, and then started chatting, ranging from making friends to his childhood. After the father and son talked happily, Lele took the initiative to open up his mind and asked his father: \”Why are there always people we don\’t like?\” Dad took the opportunity to enlighten and let Lele feel relieved. Compared to Lele\’s father, many parents have their children asking about homework all the time when they come home. When it comes to quarreling with friends, they will blame the children indiscriminately and then make excuses. This kind of violent communication is often the least effective. It is better to change the strategy and talk about some topics that interest the children: What is the gossip in your class today? What\’s new at school? If you have anything happy today, tell me and it will make me happy! TheseSeemingly useless \”nonsense\” can often play the role of \”condiment\”. Let the children put down their psychological guard, avoid being resented by the children, and make the subsequent communication smoother. When children feel equality and love, they will be more willing to open up to us and be a little \”chatter\”. Rapoport’s Law Reach a consensus and communicate more effectively. In psychology, there is a law called Rapoport’s Law. What it means is that if you want to raise objections during communication, there are four very important steps: 1. Restate the other party’s ideas; 2. Acknowledge some of the opinions; 3. Emphasize the benefits to me; after completing the above three points, start to elaborate Where you disagree, it will be easier for the other party to accept it and reach a consensus. According to Rapoport\’s law, in parent-child communication, if they want to reach a consensus with their children, parents must learn to be more affirmative. The ratio of agreement to disagreement is about 3:1, or even higher. Olympic champion Deng Yaping once shared her parenting experience on the program \”Praise is Right\” and received a lot of praise. For a while, my son was addicted to online games and determined to pursue e-sports. If it were an ordinary parent, this would probably be just a good meal, and then scolding the child until he \”arms\” to resist. But Deng Yaping didn\’t do this. She used her patience to let her children make more rational decisions. First, she recounted her son\’s thoughts: He likes e-sports very much, is ranked among the top eight in Beijing, and wants to try a career path. The second step is to acknowledge part of the child’s point of view: E-sports can also win world championships and bring glory to the country. In the third step, she has also won a championship and knows that championships are achieved through hard work. The fourth step is to make suggestions: E-sports is not about playing, you have to play at least 12 hours a day, and your career is short, only 4 or 5 years… Finally, after careful consideration, my son stopped playing electricity completely without rebellion or confrontation. The idea of ​​​​racing for this road. The more forcefully suppressed parents are, the easier it is for children to go against them. This is determined by human nature. No one likes to be criticized by others. The same goes for children. 36 Tips for Parents to Communicate with Their Children HD PDF Smart parents will definitely try to listen and empathize with their children. First give him positive recognition for what he did well, and then make suggestions. Educator Cai Yuanpei once said: What determines a child\’s life is not academic performance, but sound personality cultivation. If you want to cultivate a sound personality in your children, the first thing parents need to do is change the tone and way of speaking. Parents who don\’t know how to communicate cannot raise happy children. Even if it is all true, parents will not harm their children, but they are always faced with a lot of truths that their children cannot accept. Educating children is a two-way process. If a child feels depressed, there must be something wrong with the education. Only when children feel good can they cooperate better with their parents. Therefore, the simplest and most effective way of education is for parents to learn scientific communication.