Methods of educating children and communication methods

As a teacher for many years, parents often ask me about parenting confusion: \”Ask your child, he always says he doesn\’t know and doesn\’t want to talk.\” \”He doesn\’t listen to anything his parents say, but he listens to everything others say.\” \”He talks too much about the truth. It’s annoying, I don’t talk enough and I’m afraid he’ll take detours, it’s too difficult.” Although there are many problems, in the final analysis they are all communication issues. Correct communication methods can not only establish a good parent-child relationship, but also become a catalyst for family education. In parent-child communication, parents’ starting point is for their children, but things often backfire. Therefore, many parents often wonder: \”Why do we say everything right, but the child just doesn\’t want to listen?\” \”It\’s obviously for the child\’s benefit, why doesn\’t he appreciate it?\” In fact, the fundamental reason lies in our sincere words and true relationship with the child. The information received was inconsistent. There is a sentence in \”Parents\’ Language\”: \”Language is a powerful medium.\” We communicate with children through language and achieve educational purposes through communication. However, if the medium of language is not used well, it can easily lead to children not understanding The good intentions behind your parents’ words. As for the correct parent-child communication method and what parents should not say to their children, the People\’s Daily Weibo once summarized the following 7 points. When parents say: \”Shut up, why are you disobedient?\” Real thoughts: \”The advice I give you is the most correct.\” Children understand: \”I can\’t have my own ideas.\” More than 10 animations to educate children Film: Let children learn and grow in happiness. Psychologist Patrice Evans once shared a very interesting conversation in the book: \”Baby, what kind of ice cream do you want to eat?\” \”Mom, I want vanilla. \”Don\’t you try the chocolate one?\” \”I just want the vanilla one.\” \”But mom thinks the chocolate one is better.\” \”I want the vanilla one!\” \”Didn\’t you say you like chocolate last time? \”?\” \”I just want to eat vanilla flavor this time!\” \”You kid, you are really weird.\” Many parents, like the mothers in the conversation, seem to be democratically consulting their children when communicating with them. Opinions, in fact, completely ignore the child\’s true thoughts. By imposing his own ideas on his children, he further consolidates his absolute power position in the family. But cultivating a child who has no opinion and independent thinking should not be the purpose of family education. Encourage children to express their true feelings, ask them \”What do you think?\” and support their children to try something within their abilities. This is what parents should really do. When parents say: \”I can\’t do it if I say no.\” Real thoughts: \”This is wrong and can\’t be done.\” The child understands: \”Because you are an adult, I can only temporarily obey your arrangements.\” A Education experts once shared a common phenomenon in parenting: \”If parents tell them not to play with a certain bad boy, the child will secretly play with the bad boy in the eyes of the parents, or even lie to get out of trouble.\” Why do parents clearly give orders repeatedly, but their children don’t listen at all? In fact, it is because when children encounter problems, parents often deal with their children\’s problems in a blaming way, and then force their children to do what they want, and they will naturally develop a rebellious mentality. \”highThere is a \”Principle of Empathic Communication\” in \”The Seven Habits of Effective People\”, which points out that when communicating, you need to first understand the other person\’s thoughts, and then let the other party understand your own thoughts. Therefore, when you have a disagreement with your child, instead of imposing interference, it is better to listen patiently to the child\’s thoughts, such as asking the child why he chose to be friends with him? Finally, voice your worries and concerns. Respecting your child\’s choices and listening to the reasons behind their choices is also a way to build communication and trust with your children. When parents say: \”I don\’t care about you anymore, just do whatever you want.\” Real thoughts: \”Follow the path I planned, and you will live a better life in the future.\” The child understands: \”Why force me?\” Joey in the movie \”Soul\” pursues his music dream wholeheartedly, but his mother does not approve of it. She asked her son to work down-to-earth instead of pursuing illusory music dreams. But Joey said to his mother: \”I want to choose my music. That is the reason for me to live. I don\’t want my life to be worthless.\” Parents worry that their children will be biased in life. In fact, it is because we also Not sure if your child is making the right choice? Not sure what will happen if your child chooses the path he wants to take? This uncertainty about the unknown gives us great fear and uneasiness. Because of this fear, we choose the simplest and crudest way of communication: If you listen to me, I will care about you. If you don’t listen to me, I will not care about you anymore. Just like Joey in the movie, he always sticks to his passion for music. When he finally got the chance to perform on the same stage as his idol, his whole person was glowing. Italian education expert Montessori once said: \”Every child is born with a spiritual embryo.\” The first thing in family education is to make children loyal to themselves, and parents are just bystanders and guides of their growth. Rather than forcing planning, it is better to go with the flow when communicating with your children, and encourage them to move in the direction that suits them based on their \”personality\”. When parents say: \”You don\’t have much potential at first glance, you will just pick up rags in the future.\” Real thoughts: \”You need to work harder.\” The child understands: \”I am terrible.\” One of my students is very smart and has good grades. , but I almost never raise my hand actively in class. In order to encourage her, I suggested to her mother that she could give her child some exercise opportunities. Unexpectedly, as soon as I opened my mouth, her mother started to complain in front of her daughter: \”She has always looked like this worthless person since she was a child. She can\’t stand in front of the stage at all, and she will be embarrassed if she does…\” The child looked at it. Looking at my mother, the little stars in her eyes suddenly dimmed… It turned out that this was the real reason why she never raised her hand actively: other children were allowed to try and make mistakes, but even if she got it right, it would be \”embarrassing\”… Psychological There is an \”Aronson effect\” in science, which means that as rewards decrease, the attitude becomes gradually negative, and as rewards increase, the attitude gradually becomes positive. Parents\’ encouragement and affirmation of their children are the best rewards for their children. The more such rewards, the faster the child\’s progress; conversely, the more negative comments, the more likely the child will regard it as his own label, changing from \”maybe can\’t do it\” to \”really can\’t do it\” . When parents say: \”I know how to play, I lose my energy when I study. \”True Thoughts: \”Don\’t think about playing when you are studying, only then can you make progress. The child understood: \”In my mother\’s eyes, she will only be satisfied if I am a learning machine.\” \”As a mother, I have always believed in a principle – \”Play well and learn well.\” \”Because this is a virtuous cycle: when you are tired from playing – you can rest well – you will be full of energy when you go to school – your concentration when studying will be improved – your efficiency in completing homework will be improved – more time to play. Management guru Stephen Covey said: “Exercising the body can regulate stress and cultivate proactive abilities. \”Playing to your heart\’s content does not mean indulging children. On the contrary, it allows children to release the pressure of learning and recharge themselves mentally during play. Whether it is studying or playing, you can follow the principle of \”first things first\”. Put the most important thing in the moment. Put your own things first, have fun when you play, study hard when you study, connect each other, and achieve a balance to produce the best performance. When parents say: \”Why are you not as good as others?\” \”True Thoughts: \”You have to learn from other children\’s strengths. The child understands: \”I am not as good as others, and I am always bad in the eyes of my parents.\” \” Once when we went out to eat, the father at the next table educated his son: \”Gu Ailing is an Olympic champion in her teens. Can\’t you work as hard as her? Unexpectedly, his son replied: \”Gu Ailing\’s father graduated from Harvard, how about you take the Harvard exam first?\” \”There is a popular question on Zhihu: \”My parents always compare me with other children, does it mean that I am really inferior to others?\” One answer particularly touched me: \”No, you are very good, they just used the wrong motivation method.\” ” Indeed, instead of focusing on the child’s “shortcomings”, it is better to focus on the child’s “strengths”: For example, some children are introverted and dare not express themselves, but they like reading, so encourage them to write down what they read and think first. , and then express it… Each child\’s strengths can be \”connected\” to learning methods in different ways. The \”Principles of Creative Communication\” points out: Pay attention to the different psychology, emotions and intelligence of different individuals. The same is true for children, Every child is different. Rather than letting children compare themselves horizontally with different people and doubt their own efforts, it is better to encourage children to surpass themselves vertically through positive incentives. When parents say: \”You are wrong again Oh, so stupid! \”True Thoughts: \”If you work hard, you can succeed. The child understands: \”I am a loser.\” ” When children face one or two failures, it is easy for them to feel frustrated. If they do not seek encouragement from their parents at this time, and their frustrated emotions are not properly guided and vented, children will easily become unsatisfied. Confident, timid, and finally refuse to try again. There is a saying: \”Don\’t use your emotions to blame your children for their failures. \”When children fail occasionally, parents can try the \”begin with the end in mind\” principle in communication: Since the goal is to prevent the child from failing again, then look for experience from the failure at the moment and continue trying, rather than treating venting of emotions as Communication methods and purposes. For example, in daily life, use less \”myopia\” and more \”magnifying glass\”, ignore some small mistakes of children, and talk more.The sentence \”Mom has seen your progress, are you willing to try again?\” There is a sentence written at the end that says: \”Parents underestimate the harm they have caused to their children, and also overestimate their children\’s ability to heal wounds.\” Many children are Most of the psychological problems in adulthood come from language damage from the family of origin. Educating children is a long life process. In this process, the children are growing and so are the parents. Rough communication can easily produce immediate results, but when a child grows up and has the ability to resist his parents, it will be difficult for him to \”submit\” to his parents\’ power. Raising children is indeed not an easy task. Parents will inevitably punish and scold their children, but we need to see what we really want to express behind the \”subconscious\” language. Don\’t really wait until the child completely refuses to communicate, and then accuse the child of not understanding or being grateful to his parents. Tell your children more sincere words, so that the energy of love will flow between parents and children. Only when children receive our kindness can they use love and trust to drive their inner motivation to grow. Children are independent living individuals. They need to be respected, understood, and trusted. They need to communicate equally and interactively. Only in this way can they develop self-esteem, confidence, and independent personality. And these are the most powerful support and strength for children when facing the future.