Mom, are you really doing this for me?

Recently, I became a fan of my daughter\’s storybook \”Two Little Bears\”. The story seems to be about the growth process of children, but also contains the growth of parents. The beginning of the story talks about the wishes of Father Bear and Mother Bear when the baby bear was born: \”Ah! How wonderful it would be if the child could always be so small and cute!\” This expresses the wishes of many parents. Parents always have presuppositions of this kind: \”It would be great if the children were not so naughty\”, \”It would be great if the children studied seriously\”, \”It would be great if the children followed An An\’s original position\”, and they don\’t want to be broken by their children. . However, from a child\’s perspective, these presuppositions of parents often make them feel unhappy. In the process of children growing up, from going to the mall to choose sports shoes, to choosing a major in college, from choosing a career after graduation to choosing a spouse, from making new choices in life to raising the next generation, parents may be involved. This kind of participation is actually different levels of \”control\”. I often see in shopping malls that when some mothers take their children to pick out clothes, the children and the mother have disagreements and get emotional. The children like cute (childish) clothes, while the mother likes clothes that match well. In the end, the mother still thinks \”because Hello\” excuse to buy the clothes I like. We always want the best for our children, so we unconsciously \”control\” our children (the degree of control varies depending on individual differences). Patricia Evans (2003) mentioned two reasons for the desire to control in the book \”Contronling People\”: The desire to control is unconscious. The controller thinks that the starting point is good, but often ignores the existence or feelings of others; more serious ones believe that, The controlled party is a part or accessory of one\’s own body and should be subordinate to oneself. So, what is it like to be controlled (by a child)? In the story \”Two Little Bears\”, when the little bears heard the exciting story of their father going to the forest to look for honey cakes, and wanted to go with their father to the forest to look for honey cakes, their father and mother had a big fight, and the little bears huddled in the corner in fear. , cried loudly. Dad and mom stopped quarreling and comforted: \”Don\’t cry. When you are good, we will love you very much!\” The word \”good\” speaks to the aspirations of many parents. Many parents hope to have absolute authority in front of their children. , and also hope that such authority can continue. And when parents appear with such authority, the little bears in the book can only suppress their wishes and never go out. The process of children\’s growth is a process of self-definition and a process of slowly establishing spiritual boundaries. Their boundaries are often open to all education. If they do not receive continuous affirmation, they are easy to accept the judgment of their parents and give up on themselves. Parents often make arbitrary conclusions about their children, which can cause children to lose themselves. (Patricia Evans, 2003) I know a boy who was born in a Kochi family, his name is Q. His mother arranged all his spare time since he was a child, and he learned all kinds of music, chess, calligraphy and painting, but he had no special hobbies and was proficient in none of them. His parents had high expectations for him, and he received an elite education in prestigious schools from childhood to adulthood. Q worked in a state-owned bank after graduation, butI left my job without my parents knowing. When his parents asked why, he firmly said that he didn\’t like this job. He wants to transfer to the school where he graduated from to work in school affairs. Half a year later, I met him again and asked about his work status. He said that his income is actually not as good as before, and he has started studying for a postgraduate degree in economics (part-time). I\’m a little confused. Since I left a financial institution and switched to school management, why did I start majoring in economics again. I asked again, do you like economics? He lowered his head and said it would be useful for finding a job in the future. From his performance, it can be imagined that in the past six months, his parents\’ verbal \”control\” has made him change from being determined to leave his job to being at a loss now. My father believes that financial resources are important for men, and he accepts this view; my mother believes that men should pursue academic pursuits, and he also accepts this view. But what he likes and wants doesn\’t seem to be that important anymore. In parent-child relationships, parents who tend to be controlling often have \”illusions of illusion\”—for example, imagining that their children will always be good. If their children deviate from their expectations, controlling parents will most likely get angry and criticize their children for not being \”good\” enough. The only thing that can help controlling parents get rid of the obsession with control is to completely separate from that \”illusion\” as soon as possible (Patricia Evans, 2003), and begin to accept that their children are independent individuals with the ability to think. Back to the story of \”Two Little Bears\”. The older the bears got, the more they wanted to go to the forest. One morning, they secretly followed their father to the forest to look for honey cakes. When they found a black bear trying to attack their father, they rescued him without hesitation. Finally, the two little bears took the honey cake and hummed a song, and followed their father home happily. The cub\’s father proudly told the mother bear that the children saved him when he was in danger. The mother bear finally admitted: \”They have grown up, but they are still so cute.\” When the other party in the parent-child relationship, the child, is the controlled party, they often encounter the problem of \”split\”. The process of children\’s growth is a process of self-definition and a process of slowly establishing spiritual boundaries (Patricia Evans, 2003). In this process, parents may cause unintentional or intentional \”sabotage\”, and children need to gradually establish clear mental boundaries to avoid \”split\”. A few years ago I saw a piece of news about a girl who ran away from home. As a child, his father had called her worthless and criticized her ideas. And her mother (who was diagnosed with schizophrenia a few years later) kept complaining that she was ugly and that she was a burden. Her intuition told her that her parents were wrong to treat her this way, and she trusted her intuition. When her parents were around, no matter how hard she tried to tell herself, \”Mom and dad love me,\” she still felt nervous all over. Finally, at the age of 13, she left home and found a place and a job on her own, leaving her parents unable to control her. But even after escaping from her parents, she was not happy. On the one hand, she hates the feeling of being controlled by her parents and feels that she is about to be suffocated, but on the other hand, she hates being controlled by her parents.On the other hand, as a child, how much she hopes that she can be cared for by her family, and that her family can see her feelings and needs. The method of establishing spiritual boundaries is so important, so I searched hard for it. Thank you for your hard work, I finally found this method! The following case comes from my colleague Xiaoda, and I would like to thank him for his selfless provision: Mom: Why don’t you go meet the girl I introduced to you? You see you are already 30, don’t you be in a hurry? Xiaoda: This is my business, thank you. Mom: Why do you want to change jobs again? Where can you find such a good job? Xiaoda: This is my business, thank you. Mom: What’s wrong with the girl I met last time? She’s a state-owned enterprise, she’s pretty, and she’s a graduate student? Xiaoda: This is my business. close the door. Xiaoda’s case can not only give us some inspiration for raising our own children, but also teach us the most precious sentence in our relationship: \”This is my business!\” In the parent-child relationship, as mothers, we encourage our children to speak generously : \”This is my business\” can better mobilize children\’s enthusiasm for life than teaching them that they should be obedient and obedient. And when we face relatives and elders who treat us like children, constantly instill experience and opinions, and even urge us to have a second child, we end the topic with the sentence \”This is my business, this is not your business\” and put all the aspects of life into our own. It\’s a happy thing to think about taking the initiative back into your own hands. Finally, I hope you enjoyed today\’s story of \”Two Little Bears\”, and I also hope that Xiaoda\’s wonderful dialogue can make you laugh out loud and allow your children and yourself to retain spiritual boundaries and not be violated by others.