\”Mom, do you still love me?\” How can a second-child family relieve anxiety?

There was a news in the China Youth Daily: Xiaojie’s mother had just given birth to her second child three months ago. Ever since her sister was born, Xiaojie had refused to sleep in her own cabin. Before that, she had slept in a separate room with her parents. More than two years. She didn\’t want to go to school and was even more afraid of being alone in her room. She is like a frightened kitten, always wanting to hide in her mother\’s arms; sometimes she is more like a newborn baby, constantly asking her mother to \”hug\” and \”kiss\”, desperately longing for the feeling of being in her infancy. the sense of security within. Seeing that Xiaojie\’s situation has been going on for a month, her mother is extremely anxious and is preparing to educate her \”ignorant\” eldest daughter. Unexpectedly, Xiaojie\’s words sent chills down the spines of his parents. She pointed to a blank corner in the room and said, \”Mom, I saw a girl in white standing there. She was smiling at me.\” After diagnosis, Sun Ling, director of the adolescent psychology department of Tianjin Anding Hospital, said: \”The child It should be that the symptoms of \”sibling competition disorder\” appeared due to the birth of the second child. After careful communication with the mother, the child told the truth: \”I made up those words, just because I don\’t want you to see my sister, because you belong to me alone.\” Sibling competition disorder means that with the birth of a younger brother or younger sister, children Displaying some degree of mood disturbance, which in most cases is mild. However, competition and jealousy are relatively long-lasting, and there is often a certain degree of degradation, such as the loss of previously learned skills and a tendency toward childish behavior. Children also often imitate the behavior of babies to attract their parents\’ attention, such as asking others to feed them. They often have increased opposition and conflict behaviors with their parents, lose tempers, and have bad moods manifested as anxiety, pain, or social withdrawal, which may occur. Sleep disorders often require parents\’ attention. After the 5-year-old girl Youyou had a younger sister, the smallest things would make her angry, scream or cry hysterically. She vomited out the meal she had just eaten, and said all day long that she was \”dizzied, dizzy, and there were many colorful circles in front of her eyes.\” She lost a lot of weight. Mr. Wei from Shaanxi said that since the birth of his second daughter, his 5-year-old daughter has been coughing for more than a month and has not recovered. He went to two major hospitals and could not find any problems. Later I found out that the child was deliberately pretending to be sick in order to seek attention. An 11-year-old girl in Tianjin was sent to the hospital because of repeated nausea, vomiting, and anorexia for more than 20 days. She was already skinny and skinny. A girl who was hostile to her second-born brother said frankly: \”I wanted to starve myself to death at the time. Seeing them so anxious made me feel very happy.\” A questionnaire survey was conducted on the Internet among primary and secondary school students on the issue of \”second-born children\” and the result showed that 74.3 % of the respondents are against mothers having a second child. In fact, this is caused by the child\’s lack of sense of security and the uncertainty of his love for his parents. After the second baby is born, in order to take care of the younger baby, parents often neglect to care for the older baby. This makes the older baby feel insecure and feels left out, ignored, and marginalized. Some children will become anxious and have low self-esteem because of this, while others will engage in extreme behaviors, such as throwing tantrums, being unreasonable, even pretending to be ill, self-mutilating, or physically attacking Xiaobao. In \”Incredible Mom\”, Cai Shaofen\’s two daughters get along wellVery harmonious. Cai Shaofen said that when her sister was still in her belly, she would often say to her: You are so happy! There is one more person to love you and play with you! After giving birth to their sister, the couple prepared a gift for her and told her that it was her sister who gave it to her! Usually when I take my sister out to buy vegetables and fruits, I will remind her to remember to take her favorite things. When eating, I sit next to my sister today and next to my sister tomorrow, and the two children take turns taking care of me. Whenever there is a conflict between the two sisters, they are required to resolve it themselves. Whoever makes the mistake will admit it and will not take sides. Psychology believes that children\’s sense of security is their basic trust in people. Children must have this belief: \”The world is reliable, life is beautiful, parents and others are trustworthy\”, so that they can gain the motivation, courage and perseverance to survive. From the perspective of psychoanalytic theory, an individual\’s sense of security is generated like this: Parents are important objects in the growth process of children. When children are young, if they can provide them with enough, continuous, stable, perseverance, and consistency, With reasonable love, children will experience a sense of security and extend their trust in others and the world. They will also feel self-esteem and self-confidence, as well as certainty and controllability about reality and the future. If adults can meet the physical and psychological needs of children, the children will be able to trust the people around them and feel that the world is safe, thereby developing a healthy and optimistic character. The less sensible your child is, the more he needs your love. American writer Omar Pompeo said: \”Children need love most when they are least worthy of love.\” There is no child who loses his temper for no reason. No matter how angry the child is, his purpose is to satisfy his own needs. When children are unreasonable, they are just using inappropriate ways to satisfy their own needs. Don\’t find them annoying, and don\’t blame them for being misbehaved. Sometimes, you just need to squat down and hug him, and the situation can relax. Only when parents\’ love is balanced can children get along harmoniously. Children\’s needs are simple and crude. If you love me, hug me. If you love me, kiss me. If you love me, accompany me. If you love me, praise me. If you love me, copy and paste a copy of your love. When praising the second treasure, you might as well praise the eldest treasure. When kissing the second baby, you might as well call the eldest baby over for a hug. When buying things for the second baby, you might as well buy a small gift for the first baby. Even if it is just a gift, he will be very happy. Your child\’s biggest wish is to see him as an irreplaceable child worthy of love in your eyes. Participate together and avoid fire, theft and boss. Before the second baby is born, tell him about the possible changes, not just the good ones. After birth, let him do something within his ability. For example, pick up diapers, make your second child happy with you, pay attention to your child\’s good words and deeds, and praise him in a timely manner. If you blindly protect the second treasure, or always deliberately show favoritism, it will make Dabao feel alienated, which will make him hold a grudge and even retaliate. Psychologist DeRothy Dew believes that human beings’ greatest fear is alienation. Only when we feel safe, have control over our lives, can give or receive positive attention, are respected and valued by othersWhen you have a sense of accomplishment, you will have a strong sense of self-satisfaction and continue to grow. Ask the people around you for help and take time to be alone with Dabao. You can take a little time every day to play games and tell stories with Dabao while your second baby is sleeping or being cared for, letting him know that you have not ignored him and that he is still your little sweetheart. Every child wants to receive as much care from their parents as possible, even if it is just for a short time, it will give them a sense of security and self-identity. It turns out that children who receive individual attention from their parents are less concerned about sibling rivalry. Hu Ke once said in a talk show that the birth of Xiao Yu\’er left the eldest brother Anji at a loss as to what to do. He, who had always been well-behaved and sensible, became increasingly angry and would steal toys from his younger brother at every turn. Once, Anji bullied his younger brother, and Hu Ke taught him a lesson. Anji complained aggrievedly to her younger brother and said, \”It\’s all your fault that I\’m in such a miserable state now.\” Only then did Hu Ke realize that the eldest brother was still a child and needed care and love. Sun Ling believes that innocent children also have their own troubles. From the perspective of the framework of interpersonal relationships in the family, they can easily equate the idea of ​​\”having more younger siblings\” with \”their parents no longer love me\”, leading to jealousy. Emotions, it is normal for children to have such mood swings. The key to the problem lies in the behavior and guidance of parents. There is a saying that when children have mood swings, stupid parents blame their children, but smart parents care for their children. Please consider the real needs of each child and strive to create a loving family environment.