Mom, don\’t tell me not to cry

Two days ago, I saw this question and answer on the Internet: Picture 1 Picture 2 Picture 3 ▼ When I saw this, I couldn’t help but think of my own childhood. Isn\’t this mother\’s attitude towards her children the same as our parents\’ attitude towards us back then? Parents demand how their children should study and live, and sometimes even participate in their dreams. And all of a sudden, many of us have unintentionally become the parents we were. In order to give our children a wonderful future, we follow their path. But if we are not careful, we may mess up the parent-child relationship. We can easily see the materials, learning strategies, and life skills that children lack, but we miss the emotions that they need most. A good family education should include emotional education. Existential psychologist Martin Buber once proposed two relationships: the relationship between \”I and it\” and the relationship between \”I and you\”. The relationship between \”me and it\”, simply put, is that in this relationship, I have expectations and purposes. I don\’t notice your real existence. I objectify you into \”it\”. In other words, in this relationship, I pay more attention to how your actions make me feel, rather than how you feel in this relationship. In such cases, there is a lack of emotional connection between children and parents. Like the children in the family education documentary \”Mirror\”. Fifteen-year-old Jiaming complained that he had to do everything according to his parents\’ ideas. His ideals were considered wrong by his parents and needed to be corrected. 17-year-old Zhang Zhao dropped out of school because his parents thought he was in early love. But what he said on camera was, \”I told my mother that the school was very depressing. She said that so many people were fine.\” In such a situation, the child How would it feel? There was such a special image in the film: \”I am a robot. As long as I enter the program, I will do it. No matter what the previous master told me, I will do it, rain or shine.\” And \”You and I\” \”The relationship is an emotional connection. In this relationship, I pay more attention to you, rather than the results of your actions. This is like the love our parents have for their children: I love you just because you are you, no matter whether you are good or bad. And when we learn to focus on the children themselves, feel their emotions, and understand what they really need, it will be easier for the children to feel safe and loved. We have seen many things and suffered many losses, so we are always worried that our children will encounter unnecessary setbacks when they grow up. From a young age, we begin to teach our children how to integrate into society. For example: Don’t be selfish, learn to share; don’t be willful, understand others, and be sensible. . . But children see the world differently from us. They are only so old and can only understand the world from their own perspective. At this time, some children will express their emotions clearly, crying and making trouble. He wondered: Do you love others more than me? Some children are very \”sensible\”. But unfortunately, the emotions of these children are often the most ignored by us. They often live in other people\’s world. They capture the emotions of others, do things that others like, and say things that others like;They won\’t say anything to our requests and will do as we say. But will there ever be a day when he said, \”I haven\’t experienced the feeling of happiness for a long time, and I have forgotten the taste of willfulness.\” Children should be healthy and happy, rather than living like a robot, mechanical and indifferent. How can we make children happy? Maya Tamir, a professor of psychology at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem, also said: \”Happiness is not just about feeling good or avoiding pain. Happiness is about the meaning and value of what we experience to ourselves.\” Recently published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology: A new study from General shows that people become happier when they feel the emotions they want, even if those emotions are unpleasant, such as anger or resentment. The study only assessed one category of unhappy emotions, so-called negative self-enhancing emotions, which include resentment, hostility, anger, and contempt. Pleasant emotions tested in the study included empathy, love, trust, enthusiasm, contentment and excitement. In the study, 11% of people surveyed wanted less transcendent emotions, such as love and empathy, in their lives. A further 10% wanted to experience more unpleasant feelings, such as anger or resentment. There was only a small overlap between the subjects in the two groups. The researchers looked at the subjects\’ desired emotions, as well as the emotions they actually experienced in their lives. They also rated life satisfaction and depressive symptoms. The study found that subjects who experienced more of their desired emotions in their lives were more satisfied with their lives and had fewer symptoms of depression, regardless of whether their desired emotions were pleasant or unpleasant. Therefore, when children are asked to do something without understanding and unwillingness for a long time, and no one can make them understand why this is the case, their emotions and wishes will not be taken care of and satisfied, and their happiness will not be satisfied. will gradually decrease. And if this situation continues for a long time, they may develop psychological problems such as inner closure and emotional apathy, and such psychological problems are difficult to solve. The best education is the education of love, which is difficult to say and simple to say. First, believe in the value of “investment” and the possibility of relationship growth. In our daily lives, we encounter many expected or unexpected problems, which may threaten our family relationships at any time. But as long as we really invest in it and actively look for solutions, things will always develop in a good direction. Family therapy master Minuqing once said: An ideal family is actually a family with the ability to repair. There is no family without conflicts and problems. As long as the family has the ability to repair conflicts and solve problems, then it can Just a good enough family. In the process of getting along with children, as long as we are willing to observe and experience with our hearts, we can also perceive their emotions and understand their real needs. For example: when a child does something wrong, we are more likely to ask them why first. When a child cries, we will first calm him down.Instead of asking him why he was crying first. Secondly, when asking your children to do something, you must do it yourself first. As the saying goes: Behind every child, there is a family, and behind those \”other people\’s children\” are \”other people\’s parents.\” There is a difference between children\’s cognition and ours. Children basically think about problems from their own perspective and do not understand that everyone has different ways of thinking. So many times, children and adults have different feelings about the same words. Sometimes an ordinary word from an adult may break a child\’s little glass heart. For example, we hope that our children will learn to share, but they cannot understand why I must share the things I like with others. This makes him sad and he has to accept emotions that he doesn\’t want to experience. But when parents lead by example and take the initiative to share with others, children will see the benefits of sharing from us: Sharing is actually not a big deal, it can also make me happy, and I like this feeling. What a child experiences and feels every day is part of his life experience. We cannot be perfect parents, but we can be parents who can grow. Understand the happiness and sadness in children\’s eyes, and then grow with them.