\”Mom, I want to play for 5 more minutes\”: two kinds of mothers\’ answers, let the children live two lives in the future

As soon as I arrived at my door yesterday, I saw my neighbor driving the child out, saying, \”Since you love to play so much, just go home after you have had enough.\” Upon seeing this, I immediately asked why. It turned out that the boy was playing at home, and when it was time to do homework, his mother reminded him, but the boy said \”play for another 5 minutes.\” As a result, he didn\’t do his homework for another half an hour. The neighbor said: \”I reminded him for almost half an hour. I promised him five minutes, but it turned out that he was still playing after almost half an hour. Are you angry or not?\” Watching this scene, I felt very deeply, because this I have encountered this image countless times. We have found that today’s children are particularly fond of bargaining. Sometimes, when we stop letting children play, we always wait for the child to say \”I want to play for five more minutes.\” At this time, parents are always struggling between compromise and rejection. Compromise, but it will easily spoil the child; refuse, and it will easily arouse the child\’s resistance. In fact, from the time children are 3 years old, their sense of independence supports them to \”fight for whatever they want in their hearts.\” Faced with children who keep making demands, mothers\’ different answers determine the children\’s future lives. Rejectionist parents always say \”absolutely no\”. I once met a mother and daughter. To save trouble, the mother gave her daughter the mobile phone to play with. When the mother remembered to take the phone back, her daughter refused to give it to her and said, \”Let me play with it for a while longer.\” The mother became angry and immediately took the phone away and said, \”No, you\’ve been playing for so long, don\’t push yourself too far.\” At that time, the daughter fell to the ground and rolled around, and was carried away by her mother with one hand. Facing a child\’s request, such a strong refusal is not a good thing for the child. Psychologist Dr. Bruce Glarang said: Frequently rejecting a child is the most inappropriate way; the child seems to be pushed out of the door and will feel aggrieved or even angry. When children always hear words such as \”can\’t, can\’t\”, they will feel oppressed. Parents\’ non-negotiable attitude will expose three problems: ignoring their children\’s emotions, ignoring their children\’s needs, and not paying attention to their children\’s inner feelings. This kind of rejection is more about parents venting their emotions and choosing to control their children, so it is easy to develop a rebellious mentality. The more forbidden the child is, the more he wants it. When a child\’s request is rejected, there is a feeling of being deprived of his wishes, which will be hidden deep in the heart and make the child grieve. There is such an experiment in psychology: they gave research subjects 22 different tasks, only allowed them to complete half of the tasks, and did not let them complete the other half. After the experiment, ask them to immediately recall what they just did. As a result, 68% of those who did not complete the task were recalled; only 43% of those who completed the task were recalled. Experiments have shown that unfinished tasks are more memorable. It illustrates that when a child\’s needs are not met, it may trigger a deeper desire in him or her. When a child says, \”I want to play for a few more minutes,\” he may be saying \”I haven\’t played enough yet.\” The child\’s request proves his inner need. Once they are ruthlessly rejected by their parents, it will make the children want to play more and be unable to devote themselves to other things. Instead, they will do whatever it takes to achieve their goals.to your own purpose. Rejection will stimulate the child\’s suppression gap more thoroughly and deeper. Rejected children eventually become \”sensitive inferiority complex\”. In fact, when children are young, more of their behaviors reflect their own emotions and needs. For example, if he hasn\’t played enough, he will say \”I want to play for another 5 minutes\” and will not consider that he still has a lot of homework. If you want to eat fried chicken, you don\’t care whether you spend more or less… But many parents don\’t understand this and always refuse to satisfy their children, but they never thought that it would become a trigger for their children to have low self-esteem. Saw such a story online. A Chinese-American has suffered from severe rejection sensitivity since he was a child. Because when he was a child, he saw a can of oranges in the supermarket and asked his mother to buy it for him. At that time, his mother said: \”The money for this can is worth a meal for us.\” So he didn\’t get his wish that day. Several times later, when the same thing happened, his mother rejected him with the same words. Once, his father secretly took him to eat fried chicken, but his mother scolded him, and yelled at his father: \”You spoil him for everything, and you\’ll get better when you grow up.\” Later, when he saw his classmates eating ice cream, he didn\’t dare Ask your parents for it, because once they ask, they will be rejected and taught a lesson. In high school, his mother finally wanted to buy him his favorite Gaara backpack. Although he wanted it very much, he still refused: \”This is too expensive, so I don\’t want it.\” In fact, it wasn\’t that he didn\’t want it; Don\’t dare to ask for it. Children who are always rejected will subconsciously form a mental state of \”I\’m not good enough, I don\’t deserve it.\” Such feelings will make him a \”sensitive person with low self-esteem.\” Psychologists first proposed a term called \”rejection sensitivity\”: this type of people will have excessive emotional and behavioral reactions to others\’ rejection, and they are always anxious in anticipation of rejection. The formation of rejection-sensitive people is related to early growth experiences, and early rejection trauma is inevitably related to rejection-sensitive people. Just like a Chinese netizen, because he has been rejected too much, he is afraid of rejection, so he would rather not have it. He said: When he grew up, he became financially independent and bought a lot of things that he didn\’t get in childhood. No matter how many things he had, he always felt in his heart that \”I shouldn\’t have them.\” Once rejection becomes the norm for a child, a mentality develops: to gain acceptance and support from others, one must endure rejection. You will always consider the needs of others and never fight for your own interests. Therefore, not only do they lose the desire to speak, but they also have a sense of inner deprivation, which makes them live with low self-esteem forever. To treat your children well, you must always say \”Okay, Mom, I understand.\” American psychologist Diana Baumrind once defined four parenting styles based on research on children\’s behavior: authoritarian, indulgent, authoritative and neglectful. type. The parenting style combines \”strictness\” with \”love\” and is considered the most reasonable and easiest for children to accept. Authoritative parents respect their children\’s personality and interests, and usually replace \”no\” with \”can\” when it comes to their children\’s requests. This kind of education is the wisest. It includes respect in principles, and in respect, it shapes principles for children. Zhihu hasA girl said that she has loved ballet since she was a child. Her parents invested a lot of energy and money into raising her. She has been practicing ballet almost every day since she was 5 years old, but she was very playful at that time. She was envious when she saw her companions playing. There were a few times when she didn\’t want to train anymore, so she begged her mother to let her go out and play. Instead of rejecting her, her mother called her dance teacher to ask about her training. At that time, the teacher recognized her and praised her in front of her mother, so her mother said to her: I know you have had a hard time during this period. You can go out to play if you want, but don\’t forget your original intention because of playing. She knew that her mother was reminding her to exercise caution. Later, she trained harder in dance. Every time she was tired, her parents never stopped her from relaxing. Because her parents gave her the same \”freedom\”, she worked harder every time she practiced. Later, she was admitted to the dance academy and suddenly understood why her parents never refused her request. She said: \”Being rejected will deviate from your original intention. Only when you are allowed to try \”desire\” can you know what you want.\” Yes, children who have been fully satisfied have a particularly strong sense of reality. Too many examples in life tell us that strong parents will only provoke rebellion from their children. On the other hand, those children who have experienced \”indulgence\” in childhood will integrate themselves and discover and find their truest selves. But this does not mean that parents should compromise when their children ask for it. A parenting expert once shared that you should say \”yes\” when rejecting your child. She said: Once, she kept reminding her daughter to do her homework. At that time, her daughter was fascinated by watching a cartoon and said, \”I want to watch another episode.\” At that time, she said: \”Okay, mom knows you haven\’t watched enough.\” Then, she did two things: The first thing was to make an appointment with her daughter on the last time, and then watch the last episode after both parties reached an agreement. . Then she did the second thing. She put down what she was doing, moved a stool and sat next to her daughter to watch with her. At this time, the daughter seemed absent-minded. She looked at her mother from time to time while watching cartoons. When the time was up, she immediately turned off the TV. Because of this incident, she made two suggestions to parents: 1. When the child has needs, catch the child\’s emotions and never confront the child when he makes a request. You must say to the child, \”Okay, mom knows.\” ”. This sentence can reduce the child\’s defensiveness, and at the same time contains a \”sense of identification\” and a \”sense of seeing\”, making the child feel that we are taking care of his emotions. 2. While meeting the child\’s needs, accompany him to complete the task together. When the child asks to \”watch for five more minutes,\” the effective action for parents to meet the child\’s needs is to \”accompany him.\” This behavior makes the child feel that \”Mom respects me.\” Accompanying him will allow the child to develop an inner sense of security while maintaining his own principles. Such a child will be more confident, because being allowed to express his needs will stimulate his expression and decision-making abilities, making him a confident and independent person. Children\’s needs need to be treated kindly. The gentle and firm love of parents is the best growth for children. International sandplayer Gao Lan said: \”During the growth period of children, if the mind does not grow, you will becomeYou are very smart, but no matter how good you study, you will have to make up for it one day. Where is your heart, you will go back to find your own soul. \”Spiritual growth is to make children\’s hearts full. Its main \”ingredients\” are: being allowed, respected and paid attention to. Children are originally independent. The more parents prevent certain things, the easier it is for children\’s desires to rise. You might as well change From one perspective, allow children to try, and allow them to find their true soul after experiencing indulgence and failure. Good parents will never be the promoters of their children\’s growth; rather, they will be the ones behind their children\’s growth. A planner who “contributes” to children’s future.