My child became \”boring\” during adolescence, and I chose to let it go. Only then did I realize that there are some things that parents should not do.

I am a primary school teacher and a mother. This status may be envied by many parents. At least my children can handle their primary school homework. Regarding this point of view, I have the most say. At home, you don’t want to be a teacher, especially a teacher of children who have reached puberty! My child An An has been quite well-behaved from kindergarten to elementary school. You can say it’s because she’s a girl, but mostly it’s her nature. She is an emotional girl, her head is often full of fantasies, and her little mouth often chatters to me non-stop. She is the kind of girl who has no secrets in her heart. She even plays a game of \”hide and seek\”, and she hides from me. Looking for it, I would ask: \”Hey, are you hiding?\” She would answer: \”You are hiding.\” Since childhood, apart from chatting and playing together, An An and I have an equal relationship. I put myself in the relationship with her. We are of the same age, and when we chat, I know what her problem is, and I will discuss it with her in a language she can understand; when I encounter something I don’t know, I will tell her, how about we look for a book together, and then, Let\’s find the answer together. The child likes to play with nature. She often picks up leaves, splashes water, and likes to step on small ponds when it rains. I never forcefully pull her away from such happiness and teach her a lesson. In the community, I often see my mother or grandma talking to her. The child said: \”Don\’t do this, it will be dirty and muddy…\” But this is fun! Haha, I will play with An An. I even prepared a bunch of tools, such as digging shovels, watering cans, and sticks, to play role-playing games. If your clothes and pants are dirty, you can wash them. Of course, for dangerous outdoor actions, you must gently but firmly tell your children that they cannot do that, otherwise we will cancel the activity. Adults should value children\’s happy time more. Children learn more while playing. This is their direct experience of learning. Instead of indirect learning in a closed room at a very young age, that is putting the cart before the horse. Make no mistake! There is another important way of expressing emotions between An An and I: writing poetry. Because she is a relatively introverted and conservative child, and she does have this specialty, I found that in this way, I can get into her heart. For example: the following two songs: \”Bathing\” and \”Leaves\”. It should be said that my daughter and I have no secrets. Our feelings are between you and me. I am often touched by my daughter\’s words. Through words, I also understand my daughter\’s inner expectations for me. I will also reply to her my thoughts on what I want to say, so that An An can also feel my love. In the flow of such words, we love each other tacitly, how beautiful! In fact, I personally do not advocate having too many \”teachers\” at home. Most of the time, I will act as a playmate and emotional pillow. Only when there are major problems with the children\’s study habits or behavioral habits, I will I will point it out and criticize her more seriously. For example, correct handwriting in homework assignments, preview and review habits, etc. An An would also work hard to correct it for a few days, then forget it again, and then remind her again… In this spiral, I found that An An changed, especially in the fourth grade of elementary school, her focus began to slowlyShift, the \”little clingy spirit\” has begun to lose her clinginess. The topic of the conversation is not about you and me, and whims, but about her classmates, such as: How does she interact with girls in the class? Some girls don\’t like her, some are always hitting others, some are classmates she doesn\’t like, and she will give and denounce a series of reasons for not liking her, and she prefers to play with boys, and what games she plays every day; After a while, her original friends changed again. When asked why she changed, she started to complain again. Judging from the child\’s mental outlook, An An suddenly changed from a \”little cute\” to a \”little fried hair\”, with all kinds of complaints and overflow of emotions. When encountering such a situation, I usually listen patiently. After listening, I will ask: \”Why do you like this person and think we can be friends?\” \”Why do you hate this person? What behavior of hers makes you hate her?\” \”Next time you encounter such a conversation and problem, how can you solve it? Let\’s think about it together.\” Then we will discuss the problem together and come up with some feasible solutions and try it again. . After the next round of \”complaining\”, I was the listener and discusser again. This made me realize that behind the \”little fried hair\” is not a real desire to explode, but a lack of confidence and anxiety about how to deal with the problem. If parents stay on the surface and just think about why their children are so irritable and insist on suppressing them, the underlying problems are not solved but instead make the children think that there is something wrong with them. Tell you, what\’s the use? Once, An Angguan wrote a poem \”Friendship\” in her room. From this poem, I deeply felt that at this time, my daughter began to start from herself and truly began to explore the people and things around her. I should be my daughter\’s \”emotional container\” and accept the emotions she throws out. I should not make any moral evaluation or guidance of \”good\” or \”bad\”, open my mind and ears, and help her solve problems appropriately. I remember that An An’s emotional breaking point was in the fourth grade. For a while, because she was playing too crazy, her concentration in class was not that high, and the quality of her studies was not high. An An and I have communicated this, but she always has to justify and explain her behavior at first, so the effect of the conversation is often not ideal, but it tends to lead to an imminent confrontation. At this time, I think let the child be quiet for a while, Probably more important. It wasn\’t until a certain subject \”failed\” that An An suddenly woke up from a dream. She started to calm down, and I was able to take this \”opportunity\” to have a good chat with her. During the chat, I couldn\’t get too excited and out of control. I asked An An: \”Mom, does it feel uncomfortable knowing how you feel now?\” Can we think about why this situation occurs? So how can we improve it next time?\” An An was nervous at the beginning, fearing that I would get angry, but then she calmed down and slowly thought about her recent study attitude. Regarding study habits, she thinks that she has been really restless recently and always wants to play and make trouble with her friends. Because I saw An An\’s poems before, I understood her mood at this time. She wanted to make friends, and friendship with friends can convey something different than what a simple parent can give. But this time my daughter passed her ownAfter reflection, she understood my previous corrections on her issues and was no longer on the opposite side. Since then, An\’an\’s mood has gradually calmed down, and she is more willing to talk to us about school, but she is relatively calm. She will also take the initiative to ask her whether this is a good way to deal with problems, and her academic performance has slowly returned to before. The fourth grade is a \”turbulent period\” in primary school. At this time, it\’s not that children don\’t like learning anymore, but their focus begins to expand. They have questions about how to get along better with their peers, pressure from peer learning, and pressure from The pressure their parents put on them. Emotional control is something they need time to learn slowly. It is important not to blame children at will, but to understand the reasons behind it. I\’ve been talking to my daughter, unblocked chats, and texted her. It’s just that as a mother, I have to “read” the meaning beyond the lines of these words and understand my children better. The days from childhood to boring gourd peace are always short-lived. The fourth and fifth grades finally stabilize a bit, and then enter the \”adolescence\” that everyone talks about. Everyone\’s adolescence is different. I also know that there is such a thing as \”rebellion\”, but when it comes to my daughter, I can\’t say what will happen to her, because I\’m sure we still have a lot of communication. , the relationship is not bad, how can you rebel? The day finally came. During the summer break from fifth grade to sixth grade, I suddenly realized something was wrong. It wasn’t a quarrel or a lack of conversation, but it was obvious that I felt that whenever we chatted, An An also chatted, but not much anymore. His expression was also a little unnatural, and he was unwilling to say anything more. When I go shopping, she doesn\’t like to keep hooking up with me. When I come home, I like to \”lock\” myself in the room alone and don\’t come out for a long time. When I asked her, she said it was nothing. Basically, the house suddenly became extremely quiet, and sometimes I was relatively speechless. When I insisted on having a conversation, it was awkward, and I always felt a bit like \”a hot face trying to stick to a cold butt\”. I suddenly felt that I had been abandoned. The previous feeling of friendship and caring had passed, and the love seemed to be slowly fading away. This made my heart as an old mother also be tested, and a strong sense of loss filled me. What to do? I want to communicate with her and listen to her inner voice. Are you feeling too stressed? Or have other worries? During this time, my own stress and anxiety gradually increased. I calmed down and thought about it. Now that my children have grown up, they may want their own space. So, I decided not to force her to chat with me, but I would often take the initiative to share with her the books I have read recently, some social topics, and fun videos; An An will also continue to write poems, but she will record and share them silently. The only way is to give it to me silently. Until I saw the song \”Lost Childhood\”, my God, isn\’t this poem about her own growing pressure? The children of lost childhood have grown up. Some turned into handsome young men, and some turned into beautiful girls. They all worked outside, but when they returned to their hometown, they found that everything had changed, but nothing had changed. The small bridge, the flowing water, and the chickens have not changed. But they don\’t know that in their hearts, there is a tender, cute, flower-like childhood that is gradually being forgotten. You know, after 3-4 years of the epidemic, children haveThere is less communication with peers, the pressure to study is high, and the life of going out and playing has disappeared. This cannot but be said to be a unique experience of this generation of children: they are undergoing physiological changes, including hormonal growth; I am suppressing my natural instincts and constantly catching up on studies that may not be possible due to online classes. I discovered that the song \”Lost Childhood\” written by An An – her silence turned out to be a silent mourning for the lost childhood happy time, and also looking forward to whether there would be less pressure in the future. Although we as adults did not put much pressure on her, she felt the pressure from peers and society. I finally realized that my daughter’s way of rebellion was “silence”, so I told myself that I should not be entangled in my heart and give my child time and space, as well as time to relax. If my daughter is willing to talk to me, I will definitely calm down and come to her. If she doesn\’t want to talk, if she wants to be alone, that\’s fine. I\’m also happy to read and do something I like. In this way, Meng Hulu\’s situation probably lasted for about half a year. During this period, it happens to be the period of academic adjustment from primary school to junior high school. Don’t blame, be more understanding, there is no so-called jumping around, we give children enough space to adapt and adjust. Of course, this is based on the good study habits she developed in elementary school. From the second semester of grade 6 to the current grade 7, An An suddenly became cheerful and lively. If anything happened, she would naturally talk about school, study, and relationships with classmates at the dinner table or during breaks. Talk about her thoughts on these things and relationships. However, I found that these views are not negative, but more objective, with some thoughts of my own. When we go shopping, we hold hands with each other, as if we have become good sisters and best friends. In the summer vacation of 2023, we also traveled to the Northwest. During the trip, she took photos and wrote poems along the way. When I saw this song \”Light of Bodhi\”, I felt that she was no longer confused in her heart. She had the courage to bear the pressure and she was ready to grow up: \”If I am lucky enough to reach the top, I will stand under the sun. , let it gild my clothes. \”What a heroic declaration of youth! I read it with a sense of comfort in my heart. When I read: \”The True Self\”, the so-called confusion of youth has slowly dissipated. She has found herself and knows how to find help correctly. My true self is a star, accompanied by a moon. The lonely moon was covered with a thin layer of clouds, and slowly, the light was no longer visible. The street light in my heart turned on. This is the best time, because only then can I be my true self. We need a relaxed life. An An is now in 7th grade, but looking back on that weird time, especially in 6th grade, she is still very grateful to me for understanding her and giving her the \”right\” to have full freedom. A few days ago, we were still discussing, and I asked her: \”If you wanted to give some advice to parents of adolescents, what would you say?\” She said: \”The best thing is to let go.\” Haha, yes! But I feel very lucky that I can understand An An\’s inner growth and changes through her poems. An An once asked me: \”Mom, why are so many students in her class alwaysAre you complaining, you want to lie down but don\’t dare to lie down? Want to work hard but don’t know the meaning of hard work? I asked An An: \”What do you think?\” What is the meaning of effort? She said: \”I will try to live a self-sufficient, ordinary life, and that will be very happy.\” \”Nowadays, there are more and more psychological problems in children. Has this become a common phenomenon? What can we do? What can we not do? This is worth pondering for each of our parents. Based on my experience, parents in primary school must What you do: High-quality companionship and work with your children to formulate and establish study habits. Keep your promises to your children. Give your children time to grow and give them tender love. What parents in elementary school don’t do: Dote without restrictions in life, and make up lessons without blind spots in their studies. Destruction and destruction at will. Children\’s promised low-quality companionship (children make up for extra classes, parents check their cell phones). I always feel that the so-called \”rebellious period\” and the \”rebellion\” you see are a mirror of the way you get along with your children from birth to elementary school. I don\’t think we are. Not doing enough, but doing \”too much\”, we all need to find the \”key\” to understand our children. My key is: An An\’s words; similarly, for parents of boys who love to play, you play with him. , getting to know it while playing is also a key. Parents are gardeners, and they need to be supported by sunshine and rain, but they must not be forced to grow. An\’an\’s junior high school studies are still going on, and her grades have never been included in the academic circle. , but she is cheerful, hardworking, and confident, but she also faces pressure, confusion, and struggle. However, this is real life, and real life is a closed-loop project-based learning. As parents, I hope we can all find it. A unique key to understanding your child.