My mother-in-law helped me take care of my children like this. It’s terrible.

Recently I read a news report that a thrilling scene occurred in the Liuhe District of Nanjing: a young woman climbed out of the sixth-floor window and prepared to jump. This move not only alarmed her relatives, friends, and neighbors, but also the local 110, 120, and 119 all rushed to the scene to prepare for rescue, and a safety air mattress was laid under the building. It turned out that this woman\’s mother-in-law had different ideas from her when it came to raising children, and the two had conflicts and refused to give in to each other. The daughter-in-law was so angry that she couldn\’t think about it for a moment, so she left her last words and said, \”I don\’t want to live anymore.\” Then she climbed up the window ruthlessly. In the end, the woman was successfully rescued, and the family was temporarily calm. However, in recent years, similar reports are not uncommon. There are still many families where conflicts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are causing trouble. One day, the Qiaowei Border Police Station in Fuqing received an alarm call. The other party nervously said that someone was \”fighting\” and requested to dispatch the police. The police thought it was a street gang fighting and rushed to the scene, only to see an old lady grabbing a young woman and beating her. It turns out that the two are mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, and have different parenting concepts. The daughter-in-law likes to buy toys and clothes for the baby, but the mother-in-law thinks she is wasting money. The daughter-in-law wants to teach the baby a talent, but the mother-in-law always says, \”What\’s the use of learning these things?\” with an impatient look on her face. The conflicts got deeper and deeper, and eventually, they fought. The family members tried to persuade her to no avail and called the police urgently. Because I have different ideas about raising children, something like this happened. It sounds extreme, extreme, and even a little funny. However, as the saying goes, \”Nothing is difficult until it has been done.\” The relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is inherently the most difficult type of interpersonal relationship to deal with. And when you have a child, any little thing can become the trigger for a war between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are two generations. They have experienced different growth years, educational environments and life circles. They both have their own deep-rooted views and ideas that they take for granted. Facing that young child, the mother protects the calf and the grandmother loves the grandson. They all scramble to be the first to use their own methods to open a protective umbrella over his head. However, since everyone has to take care of this child, \”multiple management\” in management has been formed. Poly-management refers to when multiple superior leaders jointly manage a certain matter, because the relationship between them is not straightened out, each has its own opinion, causing conflicts, resulting in unsatisfactory management results. If it is in an enterprise, this situation can be changed by changing leadership positions or strictly stipulating everyone\’s rights and responsibilities. However, the \”position\” in the family cannot be changed, and you cannot \”fire\” the mother-in-law. Home is not a place where one can strictly reason, so conflicts are inevitable. However, there are always more solutions than problems. If you use the right approach, conflicts can at least be improved, if not eliminated. My colleague Alian is an example. After she had the baby, her mother-in-law came from her hometown to help. But from the beginning, she didn\’t like some of her mother-in-law\’s actions. In order to prevent the child from crying, the mother-in-law would lift up her clothes and act like she was breastfeeding her grandson. The child tried to turn his head away, but the mother-in-law forced him to stop. After seeing it, she felt that it was completely ruining her outlook on life. Later childrenAs it gets older, there will inevitably be bumps. After the bruise, she wanted to put a band-aid on the baby, but her mother-in-law grabbed a handful of soil and put it directly on the baby\’s wound, saying, \”This is our local folk remedy.\” She felt very distressed and was afraid that the baby would be infected. But her mother-in-law thought she was too pretentious. There are too many such things in life, and she tolerated them at first. However, when the child grew up, she was really afraid. The child followed the grandmother\’s example and learned some inappropriate habits. For example, when the whole family eats together, my mother-in-law always inserts her chopsticks dripping with saliva into the dishes, turns them around, and pokes them. My mother-in-law has learned some superficial theories of traditional Chinese medicine, but she insists on saying that all fruits in the world are cold and children are not allowed to eat them. But children are growing and need balanced nutrition, so they cannot be picky eaters. My mother-in-law doesn\’t like bathing herself, nor does she bathe her grandson. She thinks that \”bathing is bad for one\’s vitality.\” Over time, both adults and children will have a strong rancid smell. Alian is really afraid that when her children grow up, they will not pay attention to personal hygiene and become annoying in social situations. However, she couldn\’t directly advise her mother-in-law. Because every time she mentioned it even a little bit, her mother-in-law would cry and go to her son with tears in her eyes, saying that her daughter-in-law disliked her and she couldn\’t stay in this family anymore… Alian thought about it, since she couldn\’t change her, Then change your approach. If persuading her yourself doesn\’t work, then find someone who can. Later, when the whole family had a meal together, she would cook a separate dish for her mother-in-law, which was lighter and softer, just right for her mother-in-law\’s taste. When the elderly eat their own portion, they won\’t use chopsticks to dig around in the communal dish. She intentionally invited a friend who studied Chinese medicine to come to her home as a guest. As soon as my mother-in-law heard that her friend was an expert, she immediately began to consult about health regimens and asked questions. My friend took the opportunity to tell my mother-in-law that fruits can be divided into warm and cold, and not all fruits are cold. Moreover, fruits are rich in vitamins and trace elements. As long as you are not physically weak or have sensitive gastrointestinal tracts, eating some in moderation is beneficial and harmless. From then on, her mother-in-law no longer stopped her from giving fruits to her children. She also bought a lot of bathing coupons in a group and told her mother-in-law that we had to use these coupons, otherwise they would expire and they would not be refundable. The old man was afraid of wasting money, so he went to the bathhouse reluctantly. After a few times, I gradually developed the habit of taking a bath because I liked the back rub by the master there. Since then, the child has adapted to changing clothes and bathing frequently. He is clean and lovable. There are many things to do when raising children, and it’s not a big deal. However, in a long life, people have to get along day and night. If some parenting concepts and living habits are completely different, it will make you feel upset at first sight. As we often say, on a long journey, the most painful thing is not the big things, but the small gravel in the shoes that abrases the feet. They are subtle, trivial, and very difficult to deal with. In order to pour out the \”sand\” and travel lightly, we might as well pay attention to the following points when getting along with mother-in-law and daughter-in-law: Attitude determines everything. First, have a calm attitude. Don\’t expect your mother-in-law to be completely like your mother, taking care of yourself and your children, being considerate and considerate. . If you place too high expectations on your mother-in-law to take care of the children, the greater the expectations, the greater the disappointment.It\’s easy to become dissatisfied. Secondly, although the human heart is separated from the belly, after all, the human heart is grown from flesh. When you have different opinions on child-rearing, if you are pleasant-looking, sweet-tongued and soft-spoken, your mother-in-law, who is more reasonable, will of course be soft-hearted. Although I may not obey you in everything, at least I won\’t go against you in everything. There is a \”confrontation theory\” in psychology, which means that people like to freely control their own activities. When faced with strong opinions, their inner defense mechanism will be triggered. For the sake of dignity, they will confront you and be stubborn. But if you are full of warmth and easy to discuss, the effect will be much better. Finally, if you have an opinion, you can first praise your mother-in-law and praise her for helping you, then make suggestions in a tactful manner, and then end the conversation with praise. To praise at the beginning is to use the \”primacy effect\” in psychology, also called the \”first impression effect\”, which means that what happens first leaves a deep impression on people; to end with praise is to use the \”primacy effect\” in psychology. \”Recency effect\” refers to recent events that have a profound impact on people. In this way, your mother-in-law remembers your opinions, but she also deeply remembers your beginning and ending praises, and her attitude towards you will naturally not be too bad. In addition, we must \”nip problems in the bud.\” Dealing with parenting differences should not start after giving birth, but should focus on prevention. Before the baby is born, it is necessary to actively negotiate to determine who will help take care of the child and the general rights and responsibilities when taking care of the baby based on the elderly\’s physical health, willingness to take care of grandchildren, etc. Moreover, communicate their respective parenting philosophies earlier and seek common ground while reserving differences. When raising children, there will always be disagreements, but you both love your children, and you will always have this biggest thing in common. Leverage your strength. If your mother-in-law doesn\’t want to listen to what you say, then you can ask your mother-in-law to read the opinions of experts who have the same ideas as yours on TV, newspapers, magazines, and the Internet, and provide specific and credible facts and figures to support your point of view. . You can tell the pros and cons of different parenting methods and let your mother-in-law weigh the pros and cons. Thinking that it is for the good of your grandson, she will be more likely to accept your opinion. Before convincing her, you can also lower your posture, laugh at yourself, and say a few words of humility. Interpersonal relationships are like a seesaw. If you lower your side, her side will naturally be lifted up, creating a sense of superiority. You will relax mentally and become more tolerant and kind. If your mother-in-law still doesn\’t agree, don\’t argue. Because in a head-on conflict, no one is willing to surrender. This can only make the viewpoints more antagonistic and make the contradictions more difficult to reconcile. That\’s why Carnegie said: \”There is only one way to win an argument in the world, and that is to avoid arguing.\” You can be more circuitous and ask your husband to persuade her, or find someone you know who is more authoritative in a certain aspect. Ask people to support your ideas, or even ask your children to speak for you. I once heard of a case where a mother-in-law believed that her child would grow strong if he ate big fish and meat, so she didn\’t want to let him eat vegetables. No matter what the mother says, it won\’t help. So, the mother told her children some stories about vegetables: the little white rabbit ate radishes and cabbage, and became very healthy after eating it, and how cute it jumped; Popeye loved to eat spinach, and became very strong after eating it… If you grow up, your child feels that eating vegetables is very beneficial, so he takes the initiativeHe asked his grandma: \”I want to eat vegetables.\” How could grandma not listen to what his precious grandson said? Therefore, the goal of a balanced diet was achieved. Distance creates beauty. There is a joke on the Internet: \”The child is brought up by the elderly. Do you dare to say that there is no conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law? I dare! – Because, I gave it to my mother to take care of.\” Although this is a humorous piece, it contains a hidden meaning. Reason: As long as mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are raising children together, there may be conflicts. However, if the two do not get along day and night, but maintain a sense of distance, for example, the daughter-in-law goes to work during the day and is only at home at night; or the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law \”take turns\” to take care of the children, the probability of problems can be reduced. We can also let our husbands take care of the children more often, which will not only avoid conflicts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, but also increase the husband\’s participation and sense of responsibility, and also ensure that the children will not lack the company of male characters in their lives. Or hire a nanny and let her raise the child under your supervision. This way communication is easy and you won\’t have to think twice like talking to your mother-in-law. Speaking of distance, you must have heard this story: During the winter, there was a group of hedgehogs living together. If they are too far apart, they can\’t huddle together for warmth. If they are too close, they will stab each other. The same is true for the distance between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. If they are too far, they will alienate each other. If they are too close, they will conflict with each other. It is just right if they are neither far nor close. If you have the conditions and you give birth to a baby, try to take care of it yourself. This can not only avoid conflicts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, but also help to connect emotionally with the child, increase their sense of intimacy and belonging, and also help you and him enjoy this precious and hasty childhood together. I hope that we can handle the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law properly during the parent-child journey, so that family life is not a conflict between water and fire, but a happy and harmonious relationship.