Never tell your children, \”It doesn\’t matter if you don\’t do well in the exam.\” Smart parents say this.

My words of comfort actually caused my daughter and I to have a big quarrel. The origin of the matter is this: my daughter is 13 years old and has just entered the first grade of junior high school. Some time ago, the school organized an exam for them, and my daughter got the lowest score. I wasn\’t surprised at all when she failed the test. Because it’s been more than a month since school started, and my daughter still hasn’t lost her mind and has been letting it go. During this period, her daily routine was chaotic, and she became more and more resistant to going to school. She became anxious whenever she mentioned studying, and she had no energy throughout the day. After the results were announced that day, she was in a bad state when she came home. I quickly comforted her: \”It doesn\’t matter if you didn\’t do well in the exam this time. Let\’s try harder next time.\” I was waiting for my daughter to cry \”Wow\” and then say aggrievedly. She threw herself into my arms, and finally I began to educate her full of love and wisdom: \”Only when you endure hardship can you become a master.\” \”If you don\’t work hard today, you will have to work hard tomorrow.\” As a result, my daughter really said \”Wow\” I cried loudly, but what I said was: \”All you care about is grades!\” \”Why did I fail the test just once?\” \”Don\’t you just want to say that I didn\’t study hard?\” \”Okay! You scold me! \”Before I could recover from the imaginary plot, I saw her entering the bedroom and slamming the door. The whole process was over. That night, I was puzzled. I couldn\’t figure out what I said wrongly that made her so angry? After thinking about it all night, the old mother got a few more lines under her eyes. She originally wanted to ask her father, but when she turned around, he snored loudly. Alas, you still have to rely on yourself. The father can\’t count on the child, and the daughter didn\’t pay attention to me before going to bed. Alas, it\’s so difficult for an old mother! The next day, I decided to turn into a \”licking dog\” and was busy getting water cups and clothes for my daughter. I was thinking about how to break the ice, but my daughter spoke first: \”Mom, I…\” Mom was wrong. Mom\’s attitude was wrong yesterday. \”No, I…\” \”You were right to criticize me yesterday. Mom should not only focus on your grades. Mom should pay more attention to your mood.\” \”Mom, actually…\” \”Mom didn\’t sleep all night. I learned from the experience and decided not to do this again. The road to study is long, and one grade cannot determine anything. Mom has seen your efforts and knows that you have never given up. Mom should not…\” I Just as I was \”casting a spell\” to express my determination, my daughter finally couldn\’t help but interrupt me: \”Mom, you are blocking me from putting on my coat.\” Before going out, my daughter looked back at me and said, \”Mom, actually I know what you are going to say. I\’m not angry with you, I just felt a little sad yesterday. I\’m sorry, Mom, I love you.\” The old mother was stunned on the spot. Sure enough, no parenting article she stayed up to read was in vain. The parent-child relationship is very important. It is true. ! However, even though my daughter said this, I cannot take it lightly. As the old saying goes, what if there are children in the book? After reading N parenting articles, I found the answer: Adler, the founder of individual psychology, once proposed that children have varying degrees of inferiority complex. And, they will eliminate their inferiority complex by striving for excellence. Now it’s all right! My daughter did not do well in the exam this time. In fact, she knew what happened. The teacher probably also criticized her in the classroom. As a result, she walked in feeling broken, and I exposed the truth with a blow to the head: \”YouI just didn’t do well in the exam this time! This is the result of not taking care of yourself! Let me see if you can work harder next time! \”Obviously, the family should provide \”emotional support\” to the children, but I misplaced my role with the teacher. The teacher has pointed out the problem for her, and she is no longer a child and has her own ability to reflect and summarize. Reply What she needs after returning home is the \”emotional support\” of her parents, who tell her: \”No matter what happens, I will be behind you. \”Adolescent children are very emotionally sensitive. My seemingly unintentional words touched her fragile nerves. This is why the more I spoke, the more mistakes I made. So this time, I What should really be done is: pay attention to the emotional needs of children through the \”silent signals\” sent by their body language, and then provide them with emotional support in a timely manner using \”more actions, less words\”; believe that the children have grown up , they have basic thinking ability; the true and sincere attitude of parents is far better than perfunctory comfort. Now I feel confident and ready to start with rainbow fart to help my daughter regain her confidence. Yes, my daughter’s reaction was very cold. After another sleepless night, I went over and over the words I had said: “Overall, your grades are pretty good! \”Although you are not in good condition this time, you can still get this result. This is amazing!\” \”There seems to be nothing wrong with these words. Praise and praise the child more, give her confidence, and give her the power to fly freely above the moon. Fortunately, contemporary old mothers mainly listen to advice. No, psychological The book by scientist and educator Jane Nelson clarified my confusion: \”Praise is of great benefit in helping children gain a positive self-concept and improving their behavior, but it can also make children develop a mentality of being completely dependent on others. Perspectives on self-concept. Some children resent and resist praise because they don\’t want to live up to other people\’s expectations, or because they fear they won\’t be able to compare to those who seem to get praise so easily. \”The vernacular is: only children like to beg for praise and sweets, while older children want their own affirmation. \”Praise\” is the external values ​​​​valued by others; \”encouragement\” is to encourage children to grow on their own. Here I also attach a table about the difference between \”praise\” and \”encouragement\” made by Jane Nelson, so that parents and friends can check for themselves: By this time, I have completely understood: I did the right thing, but It is not suitable for daughters of this age, because from the perspective of child development psychology, adolescent children can already understand themselves by comparing with others, and can clearly distinguish the opinions of others from their own. Take my daughter as an example. , she knew that she didn’t do well in the exam because she didn’t study hard. At this time, no matter what kind of rainbow fart method I used, she couldn’t be impressed. What she really needed was not superficial praise, but my standing. I was by her side and gave her sincere encouragement, so I decided to write a letter to my daughter: \”Mom, I admit that your results this time did disappoint me. But I want to look at this more objectively. First of all, at your age, thinkIt is very difficult to be self-disciplined all the time. Mom has been in the same situation as you, so I completely understand you. Secondly, what makes me very happy is that although you have slowed down for a while, you have never failed. Mom is proud of you. Mom believes that this mistake will become a special experience in your learning process, which will allow you to know and understand yourself better. Mom looks forward to this being an opportunity for you to grow, and she also believes that you know what to do next. Finally, I want to say that no matter what, my mother will always stand by your side, always believe in you, and always support you. \”Before going to bed at night, I received a reply from my daughter. There was no word on it, only two ugly and cute bees. In the next few days, my daughter and I were always very \”funny\”. She said that I know best Her mother, I said, is the most heart-warming child, and we have become a perfect match again. However, the old mother’s purpose is more than that. Seeing my daughter’s trust in me grow deeper, I decided. Start my \”change plan\”: Although from an emotional point of view, I decided to unconditionally support and trust my daughter, but from a rational point of view, no matter how much she looks like an adult physically and mentally, she is still a person who has not fully grown up. \”Child\”. I can give her enough emotional support, but I can\’t ignore the method guidance. She didn\’t do well in the test this time, which actually exposed several problems: 1. Poor self-discipline. 2. Not long-term study habits. Systematization This time I did not avoid the problem, but chose to talk openly and honestly with my daughter, and then asked her: \”My mother encountered the same problem as you when she was a student. Do you want to hear how your mother solved it?\” \”After the previous emotional accumulation, my daughter\’s attitude this time was also very cooperative. In the end, we worked out a set of solutions together: 1. Develop a study plan, conduct review by stage, and observe the progress of each stage through objective results. Learning results, and keeping track of the learning situation. I decided to complete this content with her in the early stage, and then let her complete it by herself. 2. Give clear instructions for each learning action. For example, you cannot say: \”I will do it tomorrow night.\” Started to enter the learning state\”, but said: \”Tomorrow night I will memorize the first 20 words of Lesson 2 of Unit 3. \”Develop habits and let habits replace willpower to form self-discipline. For example, fix the morning reading time every day and conduct a simple review after each completion of the test paper. The real growth of a child is the process of them constantly establishing new relationships with themselves. When After children encounter problems again and again, they find solutions again and again, change again and again, and make progress again and again. Only in this way can the bones and blood that support them go further in the future grow wildly. \”Event\” can be regarded as a wake-up call for me. It made me realize: a simple sentence, if it is not analyzed carefully, it may be difficult to imagine that our habits will become a brick in the heart wall between children and us. Finally, I want to say that I hope that all parents can always be aware of the subconscious expressions behind our words, and can also be aware of the new needs of their children as they continue to grow. One grade cannot determine the future of their children, but a word from parents can. Is it really possible that it will be affected?Impact on a child’s life…