Nonviolent communication tells you what it means to give with happiness

A few days ago, at the corner of the street, I saw a little boy jumping behind his mother. As he walked, he raised his neck and asked excitedly: \”Mom, what do you think I got in the test?\” Unfortunately, I still Before I could hear my mother\’s answer, they disappeared around the corner. The boy\’s question aroused great interest in me. I also want to ask you, when your children say this, how do you respond? The first question: \”Mom, what score do you think I got?\” I recently saw a video of a speech by Wang Jiqiong, the director of the Heart Times Parent Research Institute, and I was particularly touched. His son also asked happily: \”My results are out. Dad, guess what score I got in the math test?\” His son usually scores around 70 or 80. Judging from his excitement, he must have done well this time. If it were you, what would you do? Is it appropriate to say 100 points is appropriate? Of course not appropriate. The child was originally very happy, but when you came up and talked about it, the child immediately wilted and his smile gradually disappeared: \”That\’s not the case.\” Teacher Wang Jiqiong\’s answer was: 80. The child\’s eyes lit up and he became anxious: \”No, no, guess a little higher.\” Wang Jiqiong added a little more: 81. The child was so anxious that he stamped his feet: \”No, guess a little higher.\” Wang Jiqiong continued to add: 85. The child shook his head like a rattle: \”Oh, guess again, guess again.\” The child\’s expectations are increasing little by little, and his pride is also rising little by little. He is more anxious than you! When you guess your child\’s usual scores and guess upwards little by little, he gets very excited and finally proudly announces the answer: \”I finally got 90 points!\” I usually only get 70 or 80 points, but this time I got 90 points. How would you react? I have seen some parents, although they are happy, but in order not to make their children proud, they pretend to be calm and say: \”Although there is progress, you are not allowed to be proud, do you hear me?\” Or they express a little regret: \”90, In fact, if you are more careful, you can do better in the exam.\” Why do many parents complain that their children don\’t want to talk to me. Why don\’t I want to talk to you? Because it\’s boring. You\’ve been full of guesses and chatting to death since you first came up, so what\’s the point of having a child? How could he be willing to ask for trouble? We often say that chatting is an art. Chatting between parents and children is really an art. Only if the conversation with your child is interesting and can arouse his interest, will he be willing to talk to you instead of taking a detour as soon as he sees you. When you hear that your child is making progress, please use your wisdom and cooperate with him excitedly: \”Wow, is that so? That\’s great!\” The second question: \”Mom, are you happy?\” When your child\’s grades improve, so do you. My heart blossomed with joy. So, the child then asked the second question: \”Mom, are you happy?\” He did well in the exam, are you happy? How to answer? Happy or unhappy? Happy, right? wrong! Why isn\’t it right? Come, take a look at the \”standard\” answers. Wang Jiqiong looked at his son seriously and told him: \”Son, dad is very happy to hear you, so dad is very happy.\” I saw many people in the comment area saying that when they heard this sentence, they burst into tears unconsciously. Down. Do parents love their children? Of course love. But does the child know? uncertain! Many children, growing up, think that their parentsWhat I love is only his scores, his grades, and his achievements, but what I don’t love is the child himself. We are happy because the child is happy, not because he got 90% in the exam. So, we rejoice in his joy. Why go around like this? Is there any difference between these two answers? Of course there is a difference, and it is a world of difference! You are happy because he is happy, and what you convey to your child is: I love you as a person, not anything other than you. If you are happy because he got a score of 90, what you are telling your child is: I am happy for this score. Every time your child does not do well in the exam, you will be unhappy, but if your child does well in the exam, you will be happy. What will he think after a long time? It turns out that I did well in the exam just to make you happy! Then one day when he gets angry with you and becomes rebellious, he won\’t study hard or take exams well. Let\’s see how happy you are! As Teacher Wang said, many children are tired of studying. What they dislike is not studying, but their parents. Therefore, your answer will determine his future results. \”Nonviolent Communication\” also teaches that when communicating with children, please use your senses, such as \”I see\” and \”I hear\”. When your child gets good grades and comes back to report the good news to you, when you are happy, please tell him: \”Mom, I saw that you have been preparing for this exam for several months, looking for information, memorizing knowledge points, and training continuously every day. Mom is happy for you. I heard you say that you are very happy, so mom is also very happy.\” Please convey your love to him with encouragement rather than praise. Your child’s journey forward will be easier and more motivated! The third question: \”What\’s the reward?\” When children get high scores in exams, most of them have an idea: \”What\’s the reward?\” What\’s the reward? Prize money? Prize toy? Or prize food? neither! What Teacher Wang said to his son was: \”Dad, go back and give you a big hug.\” Why do you want a hug? It\’s too unrealistic. It would be more realistic to get some material rewards. Children will have their own thoughts: \”I don\’t have high requirements. I want to drink the milk tea I drank last time.\” Children are not greedy, and the requirements are indeed not high. What do you want to say? A quick \”yes\”? Can\’t! He did well in the exam and asked you for a material reward, and you agreed. Then this matter becomes a transaction. Every time he makes progress in the future, he will need to rely on material support, and you will spoil him. I particularly agree with Teacher Wang’s answer to my son: “Son, you are my son and I am your father. Even if you fail in the exam and you want to drink milk tea, you can tell me that it has nothing to do with the exam. Moreover, my father also I decided to give you a big hug.\” The child drank the milk tea, but he would not feel that it was \”earned\” by his high scores in the exam, but because his parents loved him. So, he can drink milk tea. Moreover, if he does well in the exam, he will not receive material rewards, but hugs and inner support from his parents. Only such children will have what we call \”intrinsic drive\” and \”security.\” In fact, if you think about it carefully, is this how we treat our children? Even if the child comes last in the exam, don’t we want him? Is he not allowed to enter the house? If you don’t buy him clothes, don’t you give him food? No! Just like my nephew is quarrelsome with my brother and refuses to eat in anger, my brother will still eat the few shrimps left on the table.They were all left in the nephew\’s bowl. No matter how well our children get in exams, we will still try our best to meet his requirements, provide him with living security, and do what we should do. Because he is our child. We pay for him because of family affection, not because of the \”transaction\” that he got high marks in the exam. What affects a person\’s happiness? Harvard spent 75 years tracking 724 people to study where a person\’s happiness comes from. Among these people, there are top talents who graduated from Harvard, as well as the most ordinary and even poor people. Researchers found from this 75-year survey that the most important thing that affects a person\’s happiness is his or her intimate relationships. When a child establishes a loving connection and a close intimate relationship with his parents, his brain function will be more active, his body will be healthier, and his sense of happiness will be stronger. Because a good, warm relationship has a protective effect. Especially for children, they need to establish a sense of security and need their parents to give them a sense of security. Only when he feels he is safe and loved can he thrive with peace of mind. And he is more likely to live happily in this life. How do parents communicate with their children? The most acceptable way of education for children. Mobi Teacher Wang finally said something that I agree with and would like to give this sentence to everyone: \”I would rather have a child with a conscience than have a child who ranks first in the exam.\” , but has no love for my child.” Let’s encourage each other!