Not being allowed to express low emotions is a hidden harm to children

On the way home, I saw a mother holding her 4-year-old child across the road. The toy in the child\’s hand fell in the middle of the road and was run over by a passing car. The child immediately started crying, but his mother said loudly: \”Go away quickly, don\’t let me go anymore.\” The child cried even harder, saying it was his favorite Pig Man toy. The mother yelled: \”Why are you crying? You didn\’t pick it up and threw it away. It\’s your fault. Can you change it again if you cry again? Look, everyone else is watching on the street. Isn\’t it embarrassing?\” The child tried hard to suppress his voice, but couldn\’t suppress it. Sobbing. He looked back at the broken Pig Man three times a step. His mother still pulled him and urged him to leave quickly: \”I\’ll buy you a new one later. As a boy, don\’t cry all the time. If you don\’t think it\’s embarrassing, I still think it\’s embarrassing…\” Seeing the man trying to suppress his emotions and not letting himself cry. The child, who was still sobbing, felt distressed. The child\’s favorite toy is broken and he feels very sad. He doesn\’t know how to express his sadness and can only cry. But his mother did not accept his mood, thinking it was a bad mood and embarrassing. Just imagine that when we lose something we love, we still feel sad and try to find ways to relieve our emotions, but why don\’t our children be allowed to express it? Denying the child\’s emotions will also give the child a hint: Mom doesn\’t like me crying when I am sad. It is bad behavior to cry when I am sad. I should not be sad, otherwise my mother will not love me. My good friend Yu told me that once her little niece accidentally dropped her butt and the pain was so severe that she dared not sit down. However, when she told her family that she felt very painful, no one believed her. Everyone is saying: It just fell a little, it doesn’t hurt. That is, depending on how big the problem is, how painful it will be if you fall. Eat more and you\’ll be fine soon. She listened to what you said to me, and no one could truly understand her little niece\’s helpless mood. No one recognized her feelings or accepted her emotions. She knew the pain very well at the time, because she had fallen a few days ago and it was really painful. She said that the consequences of not being allowed to express emotions and not being accepted are: her little niece is unwilling to tell her parents anything she encounters, because even if she tells her, no one will believe her, and she will even be criticized. scold. Taiwanese professor Hong Liyu said: \”Chinese people do not accept negative emotions because of their culture.\” However, when children cannot express their emotions to their parents smoothly, they will adopt two methods: one is to bury it deep in their hearts and attack themselves ; The second is to \”throw\” emotions to others, because it is their fault. Clinical psychologist Dr. Jonice Webb believes that if parents fail to give their children adequate emotional responses and do not pay attention to their children\’s true thoughts, this kind of childhood emotional neglect (CEN) will cause children to have low self-esteem, low self-esteem, and no sense of belonging. , feel insecure, and even fall into depression. I once saw a story on Weibo about a boy with depression: He was bullied by older children at school. When he went home and told his parents, they asked him to review his character. He likes to paint and wants to learn painting, but his parents told him not to think about these things and not to delay his studies. He told his parents that he was not feeling well. His response is always: \”Who told you to stay up late?I asked you to play with your mobile phone and computer. You deserve to be uncomfortable. \”The more he talked, the more angry he became, and he began to criticize the boy\’s other problems. He felt sad and felt that no one understood or accepted him. Once, he couldn\’t help but confide his thoughts to his parents. But his parents scolded him and said You have no worries about food and clothing. In the end, of course, the boy no longer wanted to talk to them. His parents scolded him for being ignorant and not close to his family at all. However, every time he wanted to say something, he was ruthlessly blocked. All the emotions were indifferently rejected. The boy suppressed too many emotions and could not be vented or accepted. The emotions that were not allowed to be vented were accumulated in his heart little by little, and eventually became a weapon to hurt himself. Children are dependent on Make inferences and evaluations about yourself based on the evaluations of people around you, and use this to build your own self-confidence, self-esteem, and sense of worth. A child who is not allowed to cry, lose his temper, or express emotions will severely suppress himself and release them through some abnormal channels. Inner pressure. The World Mental Health Organization once pointed out that more than 80% of people will digest their emotions by attacking their own body organs. When children encounter problems and have emotions, we should not blindly stop them. We should listen, accept their emotions, understand their feelings, and let them know that their parents still love them when they encounter problems. In the scientific parenting group, a father shared something about his son. One day, a six-year-old When my son was going out, his head hit the door and he cried loudly in pain. At that time, he kept saying: \”Don\’t cry, don\’t cry, it doesn\’t hurt at all, it doesn\’t hurt.\” \”But the son was still crying there. Later, his son couldn\’t help it and shouted to him: \”How do you know I don\’t feel pain? Obviously I just feel a lot of pain. \”He realized at that time that it turned out that I did not accept his crying and could not accept them expressing their emotions, especially negative emotions. German education expert Mike pointed out that we don\’t like to see children sad and crying. Not only does crying make us feel troublesome, but also They also doubt their own worth. The outburst of negative emotions in children will touch the same emotions in parents. Subconsciously, we are worried that we will lose control, so we do not allow children to vent. But the research of American chemist Dr. William is very interesting. He found that, Tears shed due to emotional and psychological factors and tears shed due to external material stimulation (such as cutting onions) have different compositions. He pointed out that stress will cause chemical toxins to accumulate in the human body, and these Toxins can be released through tears; crying can expel some waste from the body. Therefore, crying is one of the ways for children to express emotions. It is not entirely negative; on the contrary, sometimes it has a positive function. After a child cries, Not only will it give you a feeling of relief, joy, and satisfaction, it also has therapeutic effects. Psychologist Wu Zhihong once told a case: a girl because of a poor family background, in order to make everyone like her at school, she often made herself pander to others. Others, but she was always bullied in the end. And when she told her parents about her feelings, she would also be criticized, asking her to find the reason from herself. They would also say: \”Why do you bully yourself when others are fine? that must be yous reason. \”Later, even when she grew up, she was still deeply affected by the hurt in the past. She always hid herself to please others, hoping to be recognized by others. Later, she found a psychological counselor, and someone listened to her talk about the past, and she talked about it. She burst into tears and cried for a long time. After crying, she re-recognized herself, accepted her past, and started a new life. Now she has a successful career and a happy life. \”Thank you for your inconvenience\” Wu Zhihong said in \”Perfect\”: The grieving process is the only way to say goodbye to the unfortunate past. And it must be the kind of real and pure sadness, which is just the natural sadness that arises when facing your own misfortune. So when you feel sad When children cry or lose their temper because they feel uncomfortable, they are often blocked by adults, especially parents. For example: If you cry again, I will hit you. . If you cry again, I won’t want you. Don’t cry. Why cry? It’s not embarrassing. However, adults’ forcible “blocking” of children’s emotions is not conducive to their mental health. Although such “blocking” makes The child temporarily suppresses the inner tension and prevents it from being expressed, but if it is suppressed in this way for a long time, the child will be overwhelmed. It will eventually lead to psychological imbalance and pathological development of personality. The more a child loves to cry, the more it indicates that he There is some pain and depression deep in the heart. Crying itself can heal the child\’s trauma. Therefore, we must allow the child to lose his temper and cry to resolve the trauma and vent the shortcomings accumulated in daily life. Psychiatrist Stanley Greenspan said Emotions are called the \”architects of the mind.\” His research shows that emotions are critical to children\’s developing brains. As children experience feelings, they are also building the neural systems they will need for future learning. Everybody\’s Brain There will always be a certain emotion as the leader. Each emotion has its own important role. The joint action of different emotions combines to form a complete personality. Emotions are not good or bad, right or wrong. Its existence has its own The truth. We will have different emotional feelings in different environments, and these feelings convey various signals to us. When children have emotions that need to be expressed, please allow them to express them instead of stopping or insulting them. Educator Meng Tessori once said: \”Every character defect is caused by some kind of wrong treatment experienced by children in early childhood. \”If parents don\’t accept their children\’s emotions, they will think: My parents don\’t like me expressing my thoughts and my emotions. In the end, the children will learn to pretend, hide their true self, and no longer talk to their parents about their inner feelings. They don\’t dare to express themselves. There is a lot of pain hidden in their hearts that cannot be vented, and they eventually become children with problems in their parents\’ hearts. Emotions that are not allowed to be expressed will be hidden harm to the children. For We should accept children\’s emotions unconditionally and treat their behaviors conditionally.