Parental behavior that leaves children feeling disappointed and hopeless

Psychologist Joyce Brazes once said: \”The best proof of love is trust. Trusting each other is the best love for children.\” Children come into this world with the help of their parents and have natural trust and trust in their parents. rely. But in the process of growing up, parents accidentally let down the trust of their children, making the children\’s hearts locked and unwilling to be honest with their parents, and the bridge of trust between parents and children collapsed. This kind of collapse does not happen suddenly one day, but over a long period of childhood, the child\’s disappointment in adults increases bit by bit until the bridge is broken. Some parents often complain that their children are disobedient. In fact, whether a child listens to you often depends on whether he trusts you and maintains a good relationship with you. Being the person your children trust most is one of the most important topics for parents. The following four things are most likely to destroy the trust between parents and children and make children disappointed in their parents. We must consciously avoid them. Everyone must be familiar with the story of Zeng Zi who broke his promise and killed a pig. Zeng Zi\’s wife was going to the market, and her son was clamoring to go with her. In order to appease the child, the wife promised to kill a pig for him when she came back from the market. When his wife came back from the market, she found that Zengzi was already preparing to kill the pig. She hurriedly explained: \”I was just joking.\” Zengzi shook his head and said, \”Today\’s deception is to teach one\’s son to deceive.\” He insisted on killing the pig and cooking it. Meat. When educating our children, it is easy for us to be like Zeng Zi’s wife, who confidently deceives her children to achieve the goal: \”After you finish your homework, your mother will take you to the amusement park on the weekend.\” \”This time you entered the top ten in the exam, my mother will buy you a pair New sneakers.\” \”These don\’t look good. Mom will buy you a better one in a few days.\” But when the thing is done, they refuse in every possible way and fail to fulfill their promises. When the children come to argue with them, the adults even blame the children. immature. We all ignore the negative impact that breaking one’s word has on our children. A parent once said that because he was busy with work, he failed to fulfill his promise to accompany his daughter to the comic exhibition. As a result, his daughter was so sad that she didn\’t talk to him for a week. She didn\’t expect her daughter to have such a big reaction, and at the same time she felt that the child was fragile and spoiled. I told her that as long as we change our perspective, we can immediately understand the pain of our children. For example, the year-end bonus promised by the company has been ruined, the husband\’s promise has not been fulfilled, and the friend promised to pay back the money when the time comes, but there is no news… Although things are different, But adults and children experience the same level of loss and pain. That kind of waiting full of expectations, but in exchange for an empty joy, this kind of anger and despair, it is difficult for adults to calm down and ignore it. It is not the pain of adults that is called pain. In the world of children, a toy, a trip, and an opportunity to play are the most important wishes they can imagine. If you break your promise to them, you are extinguishing their hopes. Sociologist Lin Zucker once said: \”Parents are the closest people to their children and the most trustworthy people. Every deception from parents is enough to crush the child\’s inner world.\” If your child trusts you unconditionally If so, what you have to do is cherish it and never take advantage of the child\’s innocence and lie. Otherwise, not only will it set a bad example for the children, but the accumulated disappointment will also make them no longer trust their parents.There will also be gaps between them. Invasion of privacy Parents feel that their children have grown up, probably from the day they had secrets. I can’t tell you from which day the child likes to close the bedroom door, and even writes a sign on the door: Please close the door. He even had his own diary, which he hid away from his parents. Many parents have complained about their children\’s \”defensiveness\” towards their parents: \”It feels really uncomfortable for the children who have worked so hard to raise them to be so defensive about us.\” \”Things he doesn\’t want us to know are definitely not a good thing.\” !” “By being secretive, you’re not learning bad things, are you?” So, with the purpose of “doing good for their children”, parents began to pry into their children’s secrets intentionally or unintentionally. I know a mother who once secretly went through her daughter\’s schoolbag, eavesdropped on her daughter\’s phone calls, and checked her daughter\’s mobile phone, chat history and QQ zone because she was worried about her adolescent daughter\’s premature love. After being discovered by their daughter, the relationship between mother and daughter suddenly fell to a freezing point, and they were in a cold war for more than a week. Almost all children will feel insecure and angry when their privacy is violated, especially adolescent children, who are very sensitive and will have stronger resistance to their parents. A psychology professor believes that children value privacy more during adolescence than at any other time in their lives, including adulthood. If privacy is important to you, it is as important to your children as it is to your parents. Parents\’ behavior without a sense of boundaries will, on the one hand, make their children feel that they have no self-esteem and create a sense of shame; on the other hand, they will lose their children\’s trust. For children, secrets are beautiful \”mind affairs\”, and most of them can be solved by time. We do not necessarily require children to share everything. What we need to do is to work hard on parent-child communication, care more, respect more, and listen more, so that children can take the initiative to confess their feelings to you. As long as there is trust, you can enter the child\’s heart at any time. I don’t trust children. Here is a piece of news: An 11-year-old boy often suffers from stomachaches when he comes to school. He comes on suddenly and goes away quickly. One time, the parents received a call from the teacher saying that their child had a sudden stomachache. The anxious parents rushed to school and then took their child to the hospital. When they arrived at the hospital, the child said that he no longer felt any pain. The number of times increased, and the parents began to wonder: \”Isn\’t this because they don\’t want to go to school?\” \”If there is nothing wrong with the body, then it is just a mistake!\” From then on, the couple treated the child\’s stomachache as a sign of being tired of and afraid of learning, and even I took my son to a psychiatric clinic, but no problem was found. In this way, the boy suffered from pain for three years and his grades plummeted. Until one time, the child had a stomachache and was sweating, so the parents took the child to the provincial hospital for a comprehensive examination, and was finally diagnosed with \”epilepsy.\” As soon as the results came out, the parents fell into deep self-blame. For three years, the child endured pain on the one hand, and endured the distrust and incomprehension of his parents on the other. This kind of physical and psychological torture is hard to imagine. Many parents are used to looking at their children with a questioning attitude. When I see something missing at home, my first reaction is that the child has been lost; when I see that my child rarely does well in a test, I wonder if he is cheating; when I see that my child is lack of energy: \”You secretly played games again last night?\”Is it a show? \”A few simple questions caused the child\’s trust in his parents to completely collapse. There is a young friend who finds it difficult to get close to his parents and never talks about their inner feelings. He thinks that his parents cannot communicate. When he was a child, he would fight with people outside. , the teacher called home, and his parents beat him up regardless, and he defended aggrievedly: \”They did it first! \”My mother said coldly: \”Why don\’t they hit others, but just you? \”This sentence deeply hurt his heart. From then on, he rarely explained anything to his parents. This kind of disbelief not only hurt the parent-child relationship, but also set limits for the children\’s growth. They encountered After the incident, I thought that even if I told my parents, they would not stand with me, and the children closed their hearts to their parents early. Trust is a two-way street, and a large part of the reason why children are disappointed with their parents is because of what they felt from their parents. There are too many denials and doubts, mistakes are made, and parents are always on the opposite side of themselves. This is the beginning of disappointment. When parents look at their children in a positive light and believe that their children have a good heart and the ability to take responsibility for themselves, Give him encouragement and affirmation, and the child will have more power to make changes. Forced sharing In our traditional culture, we emphasize brotherhood, courtesy, courtesy, and humility, but it is difficult to guide children to practice it. For 3 and 4-year-olds For children, toys and snacks are like treasures and a source of their sense of security. Forcing children to share is a very cruel thing for children. A friend once gave away one of her dolls despite her daughter’s objections. I gave it to a visiting relative’s child and said generously: “Let’s play with it, it’s okay, she has many toys! \”This incident made my daughter sad for several days. Even for adolescent children, giving away their collected figures and dolls to other children without their consent can cause a parent-child crisis. I once read a story , a junior high school student had saved up his pocket money for a long time to buy a figure, but was secretly given away by his parents. The child retaliated with tooth by pouring several bottles of Maotai liquor that his father had always treasured. After forcing the child to share, the parent-child relationship sometimes became more and more complicated. Children will have rifts when they are young. Because the child will feel that the parent he is most dependent on does not care about his feelings, and the adults cannot even protect the things he likes, but also help others \”rob\” his things, so he begins to be disappointed in his parents. Share The essence of sharing lies in voluntariness and pleasure. We can encourage children to share more in daily life. This decision-making power lies with the child, not in the hands of adults. Respect his right to freely use his own items, and do not dispose of children\’s things at will just because of face or fear of embarrassment. Ignore his feelings. When your child is unwilling to share his favorite items, be brave and tell others: \”Sorry, he doesn\’t agree. \”This is respect for your children, and what you gain in the end is your children\’s trust in you. Recommend a must-read parenting book for parents: Don\’t Think You Understand Your Children\’s Hearts e-book download. Click \”Like\” at the end of the article. I hope we can all become the most trusted by our children. people.