Parents are waiting for their children to thank them, but their children are waiting for them to apologize.

I originally wanted to share a relaxing and happy theme today, but I saw a paragraph in Nancy’s article, “My parents have discouraged me since I was a child. When I grew up, my personality became very introverted and I did not dare to express my thoughts easily. In the circle of friends When I was very young, I always tried to please others when communicating with others. If I didn’t do something well, I would feel guilty for a long time, even if it was someone else’s fault.” Something deep inside me suddenly awakened. This is how I have been for several years. The seat is always in the back row, and I always stand in the corner when taking group photos. I don\’t say \”No\” easily, and I am worried that others will be unhappy… I also know that the root of the problem comes from what Nancy calls the \”percussive education\” of her parents. But for a long time, I didn’t discuss “original family issues” very much. Because one, I know my parents love me, maybe in imperfect ways, and two, I trust my own resilience and I\’m getting better now. However, when I became a parent, I did not want my children to repeat the \”injury-recovery\” path. Therefore, the purpose of sharing this article is not to criticize the family of origin, but to encourage myself to learn from the strengths and weaknesses of my parents and strive to become a better parent. Yesterday, I called my dad. We haven’t spoken to each other for a long time, and before I could speak, my dad said, “You still know how to call me? Are you asking me if I’m still alive?” One sentence choked me to death, and I didn’t know what to say next. My dad talked a lot on the other end of the phone, almost all of which were accusations. Holding my phone and looking at the dazzling sunshine outside the window, I suddenly thought of the year when I gave up the postgraduate entrance examination and decided to work. It was also a scorching afternoon in the sun. I was rushing to the next company for an interview. I didn’t eat or drink water. When my throat was about to burn, I received a text message from my dad. There were only two lines: I don’t insist that you take the postgraduate entrance examination. I want you to take the postgraduate entrance examination. You live with some dignity, like a human being! This summer, I thought I could handle the interviewer\’s contempt, the weird company, walking 2 kilometers with my heels worn out by high heels, etc., but after receiving this text message, I sat on the hot Crying like a dog on the curb. Over the years, every time I chat with my dad, I can always feel his slight disappointment in me. It\’s like a transparent plastic bag covering my head. No matter how hard I try, I can\’t get out. I just feel weaker every time. After I became a mother, I began to try to understand how difficult it is to be a parent, and to look at my parents and myself from a clearer perspective. So, I chose to bury some pain in the depths of my memory and never mention it again. But not mentioning it doesn’t mean that you don’t remember it, and not mentioning it doesn’t mean that there is no harm. Just like this afternoon several years ago, but the sun was a little brighter, the text message appeared so clearly in front of my eyes, not out of focus at all. On Zhihu, someone asked: Why do some parents like to use words to hurt their children? 2277 answers. Some people say: Because my parents have too high expectations for getting ahead, no matter how hard I try, the feeling of failure runs through my entire life. Some people say: Because parents pursue fear, people grow up. But when I grew up, I became a person who even hated myself. Some people say: Because parents say on the surface that it doesn’t matter if you don’t get good grades, as long as you work hard. But once I fail the exam, my father willBut my mother kept sighing, which made me feel so guilty that I couldn\’t sleep. ….Every one of them hurt me hard. In these hurts, parents have a justifiable coat – I am all for your own good! \”I am your parent, can I harm you?!\” \”I have sacrificed so much for you, why don\’t you know how to be grateful?\” \”I am really disappointed with you like this.\” \”It\’s all because of you, I That’s why it became like this.”….Like my parents, too many parents always put forward requirements for their children that we are unable to meet or are unwilling to meet in the name of love, and always stand on the side of “for your own good.” The moral high ground leaves us powerless to resist. When we can\’t do it, we can only blame ourselves and carry a heavy psychological burden for a long time. In psychology, this behavior of parents is called \”high-pressure control\” and is a type of emotional violence. Coincidentally, another hot topic on Zhihu also talks about the same thing: How to deal with repressive education from parents? The answer with the highest votes is: There is no such thing as suppressive education, suppression is suppression. The purpose of the crackdown may include education, but it is more about children. Growing up, perhaps what we experienced most was the denial of our parents. Yes, ever since I was little, it has been this kind of denial that has left me at a loss as to what to do and made me terrified. However, I am not alone. Many people have the same experience as me. Look at this girl. She was admitted to one of the top three universities in the country; after graduation, she joined a Fortune 500 company and obtained a Beijing household registration; last year, when housing prices were skyrocketing, she bought a small apartment. The moment she got the key, she She opened the door with her father. His dad said, \”Hey, just have a nest. I used to hope that you could get ahead, but now I think about it too.\” This girl felt weak from the soles of her feet. She had worked too hard compared to her peers, so her father gave her Her attitude is that I have lowered my requirements and you should be grateful. The girl said, my parents are ordinary working-class people from third-tier cities. Who do they think I should be? Bill Gates? ? From this moment on, she knew: \”No matter how hard I try, my dad can\’t be satisfied.\” And, this boy. Since his birth, his parents have made detailed plans for him. The goal is to enter Tsinghua University and Peking University and become a scientist in the future. The boy works hard but has no luck. During the college entrance examination, I missed out on Peking University by 2 points. He said that his parents never scolded him and would only reason with him repeatedly until he agreed. He was very sad that he was not admitted to Peking University. What made him even more devastated was that his parents almost ignored him throughout the summer vacation and did not talk to him very much. This boy felt that he had made a huge mistake! Although his parents said that it doesn\’t matter if he doesn\’t do well in the exam, just work hard, but as long as he fails to do well in the exam, his parents will look gloomy and weak, and they won\’t even say a word to him! In order to make his parents happy, he had to work harder. He couldn\’t even see the value of his own survival. \”I felt like I was thrown into a whirlpool and I couldn\’t escape!\” I didn\’t tell my story and theirs. This is not to deny or denigrate parents’ support forThe love of children makes me sad. Some parents may never understand the consequences of their blow to us. Their self-centered way of educating and expressing love makes us carry a heavy burden, and we will be unable to get rid of it for a long time in the future and suffer deeply. On the Internet, there was a paragraph that got a lot of likes: My parents have discouraged me since I was a child. When I grew up, my personality became very introverted and I did not dare to express my thoughts easily. I had a small circle of friends and always tried to please others when I communicated with them. , if something is not done well, it will directly make you feel guilty for a long time, even if it is the fault of others. Yes, our parents may not be conscientious parents, they may not not love their children, and they may not expect them to be better, healthier, and happier, but they invisibly inflict the most cruel harm on their children\’s hearts, and in turn He also asked the other party to repay the favor. Poor and hateful parents have been waiting for a thank you from their children, but the children have been waiting for an apology from their parents. After becoming a parent, I finally understood how strong the worries and expectations from parents are. It is precisely because I understand these emotions and responsibilities that I have been warning myself: children are not the regret medicine for parents’ failed lives! No matter how much I hoped that my child could learn to play the piano and fulfill my childhood dream, he refused to go; even if I had to work overtime until 3 a.m. to help him with his homework, the report card he got back was only 60. even though I spent a whole year’s bonus to sign him up for summer camp, he still clamored to come back every day; even though… all I can do is: if you don’t want to learn piano, then learn another instrument. You will have a higher level of happiness in the future; if you get 60 points, is it carelessness? Still haven’t learned it yet? Or is the question too difficult and the highest score in the class is 70? Let me study with you again; why do you want to come back to the summer camp? What happened? Still have any questions? ….At this moment, I am like my parents, knowing that my children’s future cannot be delayed, and I will do my best to provide a better environment for my children. However, what makes me different from my parents is that I respect my child, affirm his efforts, and am willing to listen quietly to his thoughts. I am also willing to answer the child loudly in a crowded elevator: \”Mom, do you love me?\” \”I love you very much!\” Regardless of the eyes of others, give him a gentle but firm look and answer. Because this was the dream I looked forward to more than becoming a pianist when I was a child. Well, every generation has a different way of life, but respect and love will never change. My child, I am also a first-time parent, please give me your advice. The world is big and beautiful. I don’t need you to thank me. I need you to love me!