Parents’ sense of boundaries is the best education for children

A few days ago, I saw a hot search on the Internet. A mother used WeChat to inform her college-age son: The standard living allowance of 1,500 yuan a month, except for 900 yuan given at the beginning of each month, the rest has to be obtained through punch-in. She told her son that he had to go to the library to study every day and clock in three times in the morning, noon and evening. And he has to send her a video every time, and each video has to be different. Every time he successfully clocks in, he will be given 10 yuan of living expenses per day. The son distributed the check-in video to his mother at 8:42 in the morning, but the mother pointed out the problems: it was too late to go to the library, and the money was deducted; the photo was taken at the entrance of the library without showing his face, so it was impossible to determine whether he really went to the library; the request Every day, her son writes the password specified by her on a piece of white paper, and holds it with his hand to record the video… The words are suffocating. It’s hard to imagine how painful it must be for an adult child to go to college and have to live under the strict supervision of his mother every day. Psychologist Wu Zhihong once said: \”Many Chinese-style families often have a symbiotic relationship with blurred boundaries. You are in me and I am in you, falling into an endless loop.\” There are too many parents around us who, in the name of love, Strictly demanding and controlling the children, leaving no room for failure to break through the boundaries of the child\’s life, the result is that the child is under unimaginable pressure. When parents lose their sense of boundaries, it is a disaster for their children. There is a feeling that the deeper the parents love, the more severely their children will be hurt. In the CCTV drama \”Fireworks\”, the way the mother and daughter, Meng Mingwei and Li Yijin, get along is really embarrassing. Li Yijin has been interfered by her mother since she was a child. Until she was 30 years old, she never experienced a free life. Each of her locked diaries was peeped by her mother many times; her best friend had a lisp and average grades, so her mother personally \”cut off\” her friendship; this was even more true when she grew up, because She didn\’t like her daughter\’s job in the children\’s theater, so she took it upon herself to call her daughter\’s boss to help her resign. In order to escape from her mother, Li Yijin went to work out of town and shared a house with her cousin. As a result, my mother came directly to the door without saying hello. As soon as he entered the house, he disliked Li Yijin\’s bangs that were too long. Regardless of her daughter\’s objections and struggles, she took a pair of big scissors and cut her daughter\’s bangs straight, and said proudly: \”Isn\’t it refreshing?\” Mom was pervasive. The love caused her daughter to live in deep suffocation and internal friction, and she collapsed several times. She even didn\’t hesitate to get back together with her scumbag ex-boyfriend, just to completely get rid of her mother\’s shackles. Meng Mingwei actually loves her daughter very much. She uses all her strength to love her daughter and wants to arrange all marriages and careers for her so that she can live a happy and smooth life. But the end result is that the deeper the love, the harder it is hurt. Some people say: The more parents love, the easier it is to devour their children. When parents, under the pretext of loving their children, intervene in their children\’s domain without proper measure and tie up their children\’s lives, they will only cause serious harm to their children. In the movie \”Dead Poets Society\”, there is such an unforgettable plot: Nick, a senior high school student, is lively and cheerful on campus, has excellent moral character and academic performance, and especially loves performing. No one knows that he has a very controlling father. He does not allow Nick to have his own ideas, and he never allows Nick to do anything other than study.. He only hoped that Nick would be admitted to the Harvard Medical School and follow the path he had set to become a promising doctor. The school\’s stage play \”A Midsummer Night\’s Dream\” was looking for a \”male lead\”, and Nick was lucky enough to be selected, and he threw himself into rehearsals with joy. However, when his father found out about this, he came to the school angrily and took him home. He also said that he would send him to a military academy and he would graduate in seven or eight years. Nick felt deep despair. That night, he shot himself to death to get rid of his father completely. The father heard the gunfire, rushed into the room and saw his son lying in a pool of blood. No matter how much he cried, his son would never come back. Psychology expert Zeng Qifeng once said a very appropriate metaphor: \”The boundary of the cliff is very clear, so we will not get too close, but the boundary of the water is vague, so people often drown.\” A family without a sense of boundaries will Just like water, it seems to be intimate, but it can easily cause children to drown, which can never be recovered. Parents who have no sense of boundaries are turning their children into enemies. Some time ago, a topic was on the hot search – \”Should I be forgiven if my parents tampered with my college entrance examination application?\” In the top post, a netizen shared his experience: That year, his score exceeded the first-tier level by more than 30 points, and he ranked over 3,000 in the province, giving him a wide range of choices. According to netizens’ thoughts, I originally wanted to study English or law in a 985 school in a remote area. But his mother secretly changed her choice to major in accounting at an ordinary school. The reason is simple – studying accounting will help you get a better job in the future. Netizens disagreed, so his mother threatened to commit suicide by jumping off a building to force him to compromise. However, because the admission score for the school\’s accounting major was too high, this netizen was not admitted in the end and was transferred to a second-level law major in this school. Netizens were heartbroken: It was really uncomfortable, and I felt like my life was over. So much so that now, ten years later, netizens still feel resentful when they think about this incident and will never be able to forgive their mother. How many Chinese-style parents have continued to deteriorate their relationship with their children because of such unbridled interference. At the end of the day, parents still can\’t figure it out: Why do I devote everything to my child, but he has no gratitude for me, only resentment? In the TV series \”Mature Years\”, there is a scene like this: Zhang Chunmei\’s son, whom Zhang Chunmei has always been proud of, is well-behaved and sensible, is complained by the teacher for frequent absenteeism, failing too many classes, and is at risk of being expelled. She was so angry that she could only say a few words to her son, but his son yelled at her, saying that he had \”had enough\” and wanted to leave her and run away from home. Zhang Chunmei was heartbroken. She really couldn\’t understand that she had been exhausted physically and mentally for her son for so many years, but in the end, her son regarded her as an enemy. The answer lies in my son\’s growth experience over the years. During the eighteen years when her son grew up, she controlled which school he went to, which cram school he enrolled in, which university he went to, and which major he studied… all with her own hands. Because of her airtight intervention, her son\’s entire childhood was gray, with no playmates and no happiness. After being forced to skip two grades in a row, his son was surrounded by classmates who were several years older than him. He even had no friends with whom he could talk. He was also teased as \”Carrot Dun\” because of his age and short stature. So when my son went to college, he finallyAfter escaping from her control, he became crazy about the band. He even skipped classes to study music, failed classes, and completely lost control. Children\’s feelings towards their parents are cold, not because the parents don\’t \”love\” the children enough, but precisely because you love them too much. Zhou Guoping said: Love can be intimate, but it cannot be endless. When parents turn a home that is supposed to be warm, peaceful, and a safe haven into a dark spiritual cage with love, the child will only feel endless pain and just want to escape from this cage every day. The best parent-child relationship is just the right love. Pixar Animation Studio once produced an animated short film \”Snipe\”. Although it was only 6 minutes long, it won the Oscar for Best Animation. The little snipe has lived with its mother since childhood. It is particularly dependent on her mother. When it is hungry, it opens its mouth and waits for her mother to feed it. But when the little snipe grew up, the mother stopped feeding it and pushed it to the beach to ask it to find food on its own. As a result, a wave came and the unsuspecting little snipe was completely soaked. It shivered in its nest and begged its mother to feed it again. However, the mother snipe did not feel sorry for the little snipe at all, but encouraged it to try and challenge bravely. Finally, the little snipe caught a huge clam and became a truly brave snipe. Zhao Jie, a talented girl from Peking University, once said: \”I admire a kind of parents who provide strong intimacy to their children when they are young, and learn to withdraw appropriately when the children grow up.\” The true love of parents for their children is never A lasting possession, but a decent and warm exit. Actor Yi Nengjing once wanted to intervene in her son Harry\’s life when he was an adolescent, just like other parents. Harry wanted to learn editing, but Yi Nengjing wanted him to learn screenwriting. His son disagreed, and the two had a big fight. During the quarrel, Harry said loudly: \”How do you know that all you know is everything? You have never been to my future.\” Yi Nengjing said frankly that after hearing this, it felt like she was hit with a stick. From then on, she fully respected her son\’s choice and gave him the greatest tolerance and support when Harry seemed out of tune with his surroundings. And Harry lived up to expectations and became an independent, free, kind, warm, and sparkling person. No child can grow up overnight. What they need is never control, but parents who have a sense of proportion and give their children independent space to grow. Regarding the relationship between parents and children, I saw a good metaphor: In childhood, parents are coaches. In childhood, parents should set rules for their children and urge them to work hard and stick to them. When I was growing up, my parents were my sparring partners. During adolescence, parents should listen to their children, solve their children\’s worries, and accompany their children to move forward. Growing up, my parents were cheerleaders. After adulthood, parents should maintain a sense of boundaries with their children and become their children\’s backing for moving forward. Psychological expert Wu Zhihong said: Separation and love are the eternal themes in our lives and the most important themes. Truly wise parents will not be absent when their children need companionship, and will not be stingy with their love. When their children need space, they will not possess them, and will not tie up their children\’s lives in the name of love. Only when parents love just right can children live independently and with dignity. There is a poem by Kahlil Gibran that is widely circulated and shared with everyone: \”Your child,In fact, they are not your children, they are children born of life\’s desire for itself. They come to this world through you, but not because of you. They are by your side, but they do not belong to you. You can give them your love, but not your thoughts, because they have their own thoughts. \”No matter how close your children are to you, they are still independent individuals after all. Don\’t control your children\’s entire lives \”in the name of love,\” let alone bring countless troubles to your children in the name of \”good for you.\” Painful. I hope every parent can let their children grow freely in relaxed and moderate love. Like and encourage all parents.