Parents who are too controlling can be a disaster in their children\’s lives

There is a question on the Internet: What is it like to have a pair of extremely controlling parents? Many people cited their own experiences and made me cry. \”My mother insists on me eating duck eggs. She clearly knows that I don\’t eat duck eggs. The more I don\’t eat duck eggs, the more she wants me to eat them.\” \”My father changed my college entrance examination application, and my mother broke up my boyfriend and I. Because she doesn\’t like it.\” No matter what clothes to wear, what food to eat, or what kind of school or partner to choose, children have no decision-making power or choice. Instead, they must listen to their parents and only their parents. What follows is the child\’s helplessness, unwillingness, anger and suffocation. When growing up, encountering controlling parents is really a disaster for a child\’s life. The controlled child lives a miserable and depressed life. The short play \”Mom\’s Remote Control\” tells the story of a boy who is controlled by his mother. The mother\’s marriage failed and she raised the boy alone, which cost her a lot. But she is also very strong and nagging. As long as the boy\’s grades drop slightly, she will scold and scold him crazily. The son wanted to participate in a graduation trip, but his mother refused. In desperation, the son chose to forge his transcript in order to get his mother\’s approval. Unexpectedly, this move was discovered by my mother. Recommended books on scientific parenting. I really wish my parents had read this book. Download the electronic version. In order to punish her son, my mother used a magical remote control and sent her son back to the day when he revised his report card again and again, hoping that his son would take the initiative to admit his mistakes. \”If you don\’t correct this mistake, your life will always be stuck on the same day.\” This mother never thought that the reason why her son corrected his report card was just to gain some breathing space under the pressure. What\’s even more outrageous is that when the boy met a cheerful and lively girl, and the two got along very happily, the mother ignored it and directly controlled her son to the day he didn\’t know the girl. As long as a boy fails to meet his mother\’s requirements and expectations, he will be forced to go through the cycle again and again, and he cannot help himself. Until the end, he couldn\’t bear it anymore and chose to die to resist his mother. Seeing this scene, how many children couldn\’t hide their heartache! American writer Edward once said: Factors such as tense family relationships, autocratic parents, disrespect for children\’s personality, and lack of democracy directly affect children\’s learning and life. Although children are young, they still have independent thoughts and the right to choose. If parents always stretch out their hands, always hovering over their children like helicopters, firmly controlling everything about their children, it will bring devastating results. The child either suffers silently, with his heart full of pain, and whenever he seizes an opportunity, he runs away and never wants to go home again; or he is bound for life, like a plant that has lost water, seemingly still breathing, but facing The fate of loneliness and loss of upward motivation. Whatever the outcome, it is regrettable and heartbreaking. Behind the control is the \”immaturity\” of parents. Why do parents like to control their children? Some people say that it is because parents are dissatisfied with the current situation, so they try to get their own sense of control over their lives by getting involved in their children\’s affairs. Some people say that it is because parents love their children too much and are worried that their children will not be able to make the right choices, so they arrange everything and let their children move forward step by step. It sounds like everyone has their own reasons. High-scoring book \”Not Controlled by Parents\”Lindsay Gibson, the author of \”Life\”, is a PhD in psychology and a senior clinical psychologist. She spent 30 years studying the psychological motivations behind controlling parents, and finally concluded that parents who like to control their children are emotionally immature parents. Although they have become parents, they do not take the responsibilities they should have and do not provide warm companionship and enthusiastic encouragement. Instead, they habitually ignore and deny their children, making them feel downcast, cold and alienated. As Lindsay Gibson says, \”Immature parents are like little kids who say nothing and want you to intuit how they feel. When you fail to guess what they need, they get hurt and Angry, they expect you to know what they want.\” Remember that 14-year-old junior high school student\’s accusation? The father installed surveillance cameras in his room without saying hello. When his son resisted and called the police, his father\’s reply was overbearing and arrogant: \”How much privacy do you have? Who am I? Can\’t I spy on you?\” Unfortunately, , in life, there are many parents who control their children just like this father. They either simply and rudely give various orders to their children: how many bowls of rice must be eaten, which road must be taken… As long as the children do not act according to their wishes, they will ridicule, abuse or punish the children; or they may extremely promote and worship their parents. Authority, replacing the child\’s feelings with one\’s own feelings, and turning a deaf ear to all the child\’s thoughts. No matter what type of immature parents they are, they will bring huge growth shadows to their children. At least it makes the child feel guilty and ashamed, at worst it makes the child fearful and self-depressed, losing the motivation and courage to move forward. Learn to establish a sense of boundaries and regain emotional independence. It is true that our parents gave us life and we need to respect them, but it does not mean that we must write our lives according to the wishes of our parents. The ultimate mission of each of us is to get rid of the expectations of others and live our true selves. If you encounter a controlling parent and are struggling in an emotional quagmire, you might as well try this – first, give up the role of \”savior\”. Studies have shown that children who are more sensitive and empathic are more likely to be controlled by their parents. Often, before their parents make any request, they will unconsciously take on the responsibility and revolve around their parents\’ joys and sorrows, thus making themselves tired and embarrassed. How to change this situation? You can try to focus on yourself, explore more of your own values ​​and advantages, and tell yourself: \”I am good, I am lovable and valuable.\” And remind yourself: \”Everyone has his own destiny, and I don\’t need to save my parents\’ lives.\” Only by living your own power can you detect the manipulation of others in time and effectively avoid it. Second, choose a \”tactful\” communication mode. As mentioned earlier, immature parents are self-centered and try to use their emotions to coerce their children. If the children refuse their requests and do not meet their needs, they will become irritable and lose their minds. Instead of rejecting and confronting directly, it is better to try the avoidance mode, do not accept the attack directly, nod with a smile, and talk to him left and right. \”I\’m sorry, mom, I\’m not in a good condition, so I don\’t want to do it for the moment.Let’s talk about this topic. \”Dad, you may be right. What I have to do is to do my best.\” \”Not expressing your attitude clearly may seem tactful, but in fact it is a reasonable way to avoid the other party\’s sharp edges and reduce unpleasant friction. Only in this way can you escape the vortex of negative emotions and leave time to take care of yourself. Third, take the initiative to eliminate negative cognitions . In order to control their children, parents often use a lot of derogatory words to suppress their children and force them to listen to them. \”You have never been successful. If you don\’t listen to my advice, you will only suffer and be fooled.\” \”I have sacrificed so much for you, what\’s wrong with changing your choice?\” You white-eyed wolf! \”Remember, don\’t lose yourself because of these words and put a negative label on yourself. Instead, remind yourself: I didn\’t do anything wrong. I have been working hard. Even if I step on the pit, it is the only way to grow. . With more self-affirmation and self-motivation, you will have more confidence and courage, and will not be defined by the evaluation of others. Fourth, always maintain self-growth. Su Mingyu in the TV series \”Everything is Fine\” was scolded and criticized by her parents since she was a child. She was bullied by her older brother and younger brother, and her native family was extremely bad. But she did not feel depressed or inferior, but relied on her own efforts to move forward. While her career was successful, she also built a strong heart. No matter how her family tried to control and torture her, she also Take it calmly and cope with it with ease. Therefore, instead of always dealing with the harm caused by immature parents, it is better to turn around and improve yourself and build a healthier and more complete self. A person who is always growing upward can sincerely face himself and face himself. To others. No matter how the outside world changes, no matter how tired the past is, you can still smile brightly and have a warm heart. I really like Bi Shumin’s words: Real love is not to control, but to fulfill. To love children is not to hold them tightly. Instead, we must respect them, help them, guide them, and let the children feel love and hope, thus stimulating full life energy. I hope all parents can understand this truth and let go of their tightness. Use your hands to open up your anxious heart and give your children some space to grow. I hope every child can have more strength, heal his or her heart, have a life in which “one has the final say”, and live a light and free life. Click “Like” , you and I encourage each other.