Parents’ words determine their children’s future

Today\’s inspiration comes from a friend of mine. Her daughter is in her third year of high school. Recently, the epidemic has caused isolation, and other children are taking online classes in full swing to make final preparations for the college entrance examination. But her daughter Xiaoyu has trouble sleeping day and night, never leaves her phone, doesn\’t think about eating, or attends classes. \”Don\’t talk about becoming a dragon or a phoenix, at least complete the final study tasks and complete the college entrance examination before you can lie down!\” Is this request too much? It really couldn\’t be any lower. The purpose of education by British educator Whitehead PDF But will children be happy just because you lower your requirements and expectations? Just get up right away to study and fight? Will not. What will she do? She will be angry. Because she senses deep distrust in your eyes and tone. The reason why you minimize your demands is because you think she can\’t get better, and you think she is incapable of doing better. You said: With her current behavior, how can I dare to raise higher demands on her? In fact, you are blinded by her behavior at this time, and you are unable to see her as a complete person. This complete person will have advantages and disadvantages, passion and fatigue, an angel and a devil sometimes… Just because she is complete, she will have three thousand faces. But you took what you saw at the moment as everything to her, and even broke his life because of it. Can she not be angry? I asked my friend: How do you communicate with her? She said: I have said it several times. If this happens again, I will not care about her. I said: Can you do it? You are her guardian, you still have to take care of three meals a day. She then gave a resigned smile and said, \”Yeah, I really don\’t live up to expectations. I told her several times to ignore her, but I couldn\’t help but ignore her.\” But I am really helpless and angry. Later, I shared a true story with her, and it was from our circle of dynamic hypnotists. She is also a girl in the senior year of high school. She took the college entrance examination last year. However, before taking the college entrance examination, this girl suddenly stopped going to school. She went home and lay down on her back, not doing any homework or reading any textbooks. If you were a fragile parent, would you collapse? After ten years of studying hard, at the end of the day, the child suddenly lay still and didn\’t move! Isn’t the sky about to fall? Another thing to worry about is: What does the teacher think? What did the neighbors say? Grandparents, how do you explain it to your grandparents? If she really gives up taking the exam and is scrapped at home, do I have to support her for the rest of her life? Wow wow wow, if there is such an idea, then this mother will definitely not sit still and wait for death. Instead, she will use all available resources and all brute force until she sends her child to school. Of course, the result can be imagined. The child originally only wanted to rest for a few days. Once the parents forcefully push the child, in order to resist the parents, the child will continue to lie down until the end, even at the expense of his own future. Fortunately, this mother is full of wisdom. After she felt her anxiety, she first dealt with her own anxiety (doing power hypnosis for herself to relieve anxiety), and then she believed in her child with rock-solid strength: she just wanted to rest for a few days. After you have a good rest, you will naturally go back to school. This wait is two weeks. Just imagine, a child who is about to take the college entrance examination without any warningLying at home for half a month, even if you are not sick or suffering from disaster, is really a test. But this mother really held back. On the one hand, she restrained herself from causing disastrous consequences. The second is not to transfer anxiety to the child and disturb the child\’s own order. So half a month later, the child got up and went to school. During the college entrance examination, he performed exceptionally well and got the highest score in history. I shared this story with my friend. She was shocked when she heard it, and then reflected that she was still too anxious, so that she was on the opposite side of the child, unable to see the child\’s pain, and unable to give the child the understanding and support he needed. However, my friend is very savvy and sent me good news today, saying that my child has started to go to bed early and get up early in the past two days and has gone to class on time. She thanked me for my encouragement and support at that time. But in the end I said: Hey, I wish I had insisted on DINK back then. I remember she said this in her early years, and expressed more than once that she was not a good mother, so her children were delayed by her when they came to her. After hearing this, I found it rationally ridiculous and emotionally sad. I remember when I was studying Satir family therapy, Dr. Beiman often said this to those who had self-doubt: The universe never makes mistakes. Since she has sent a child to you, it means that you are capable of raising him well. The reason why you don\’t raise an ideal child is because you don\’t trust the universe and you don\’t trust that you are the best parent. I was very moved and shed tears. I remember once telling a true story on a public account. It was about a mother who worked hard for her children all her life. Just because of a mantra, her children\’s careers failed, they got divorced and went bankrupt. In the end, the mother didn\’t wait for her children to get better. He fell seriously ill and died early. This mother\’s mantra is: Children are here to collect debts and are trouble. No matter how many jobs I work and how much money I earn, it will all be in vain in the end because my child is not good. The people around her were very sad after hearing this. They all sympathized with her and felt that her life was miserable. They also thought that her child was too disappointing and her parents were too inconsiderate. But what is the reality? Is it true that children are born incompetent or unfilial? Or is it her destiny to repay her children\’s debt? I can\’t see it, but what really affects her is her mantra. If the mantra is repeated over and over again, it becomes belief. Belief determines behavior. Once behavior becomes a habit, it becomes destiny. So when she is convinced that her son must rely on his parents to work day and night to eke out a living, then her son will do this. She was convinced that no matter how much money she earned, she could not make up for her child\’s financial hole, and she would achieve it. So, what we share today is not the art of parenting, but the way of life. Skills are surface phenomena and behaviors, while Tao is the deep causal logic. If we feel from the bottom of our hearts that children are angels, gifts, or even bodhisattvas who come to help us grow, then the children will be just like you think, with a pure heart, a compassionate heart, and unlimited potential. On the contrary, if you think that children are troubles, difficulties and obstacles that you cannot get rid of. Then your children will present endless problems in response to your belief, and they will become troublesource. Therefore, when we are in pain and confusion about a certain behavior of our children, don\’t rush to find a solution. Instead, ask yourself: How do I define my child? , Is he capable or incompetent? Is he good or evil? Will he be the glory of the family, or a problem for the family? …When you think about this clearly, you may not need to solve many problems, and they will gradually disappear.