Praising a child like this will hurt the child the most

Some time ago, I heard a story from a parent friend: My son, who is in the second grade of elementary school, did not perform well in the running relay at the fun sports meeting, and he has been depressed since he came home. She sat next to her son and encouraged him: \”You are already great!\” \”This is already great!\” After praising her several times, her son still hung his head and said depressedly: \”Because you are me Mom, that\’s why you said that.\” The child\’s retort left her speechless, and she sighed: \”When children grow up, it\’s hard to lie to them.\” This reminded me of a mother who said she once praised her daughter: \”You are beautiful\”. As a result, the daughter shook her head and denied: \”There are more classmates in our school who are prettier than me!\” At that moment, the daughter did not feel happy about being praised, but instead looked embarrassed, and even felt dissatisfied with her mother\’s \”judgment\”. Parents want their children to be more confident and cannot do without praise. Everyone thinks that praising someone is easy, just praise them hard. However, in practice, this kind of mechanical praise can easily be spotted by older children at a glance. Gradually, we will discover that wrong praise can sometimes hurt children. Dr. Haim G. Ginott, a doctor of psychology, wrote in \”Give Me Your Hand, Child\”: \”Praise, like penicillin, must not be used casually. There are certain standards for using powerful drugs and caution is required. Be careful, the criteria include timing and dosage, as allergic reactions may occur.\” What kind of compliments can cause an \”allergic reaction\”? 01 The first type: Result-oriented praise. Some parents only praise their children when they perform well, such as getting full marks in exams, winning first place in competitions, or outstanding performance in group activities. They hardly conceal their praise. Expectations of results. In the long run, this kind of feedback will give children the illusion that parents only love the \”me\” who performs well. For example, if your child gets a score of 90 on a math test, you use all your words of praise: \”I\’m proud of you,\” \”You\’re great,\” \”You study hard, and your mother is willing to work no matter how hard you work.\” At first glance, this looks like this There is no problem with the language. How do parents communicate with their children? The most acceptable way of education for children. The problem with mobi is, if your child scores 70 points, what is your reaction? You may be silent, you may be unable to hide your disappointed expression, or you may get angry. Your subtext is: \”I will only feel very proud when you perform well. I will be very disappointed when you cannot earn face for me.\” Once the child reads this message, he will feel very depressed. It\’s painful, even desperate. However, it is very likely that 70 points is already the result of the child’s current efforts. We only praise the results and completely ignore the valuable contributions of the children in the process. What this kind of praise teaches is that only by performing well can you get love and encouragement, which directly ignores the most important things in a child\’s growth: hard work and progress. Results-oriented praise ultimately puts the child into a fear of failure, because it is directly related to whether he is loved and valuable. I often hear parents and friends complain that their children are competitive and afraid of losing. In fact, what children are afraid of is not failure itself, but what will happen after failure.To be loved, not to be noticed. 02 The second type: perfunctory and false praise. Some parents praise their children very exaggeratedly. Such as \”brainless\” praise. For things that are easy to accomplish, such as eating, parents can always praise them. No matter what their children do, they are the best. Another example is perfunctory blind praise. Don\’t be distracted when you praise your children: \”Not bad!\” \”Very good!\” to fool them. What is the problem with these two ways of complimenting? It\’s not authentic and sincere enough. On the surface, after hearing these words, children will become very happy. However, in fact, children can quickly distinguish the truth of adults’ words. Just like the two children at the beginning of the article, they immediately noticed that their parents Such a heartless compliment. For example, after a child has finished practicing calligraphy and shows it to his parents, the parents glance at it casually and say: It’s pretty good. The child did not become happy, but complained: \”You always say yes without looking at it!\” The child could not confirm the true content of the affirmation in the parents\’ vague expressions. He felt that adults were perfunctory, and even felt angry at his parents\’ praise. Because there is no attention, no connection, no respect, and no specific details in such praise, children naturally cannot be inspired. Some children even feel that they are \”not worthy\” of these compliments, and instead become even more withdrawn and less confident. 03 The third type of praise: over-praising a child’s talent. Children need true self-understanding, not an inflated self. If praise is not given realistically, it is easy for children to establish a false self-perception. For example, these sentences: \”You are very smart!\” \”You are awesome!\” \”You are so talented!\” Because you are telling your child: \”You study well because you are smart.\” \”You draw. Well, it\’s because you have talent in this area.\” In this case, the child\’s efforts are not worth mentioning. However, when he realized that his qualifications were mediocre, he was very frustrated. For example, after a child suffers a learning setback, he immediately says to himself: \”It turns out I\’m not smart enough!\” He doesn\’t think it\’s a lack of effort. Many children with a glass heart cannot withstand criticism and often brag about it. They do not view themselves correctly and are afraid of challenges and taking risks because they are afraid that their \”smart\” and \”talented\” persona will collapse. In excessive praise, children lose the ability to see themselves correctly. 04How should we praise our children? After reading this, some parents and friends will say: \”This is not allowed to be said, and that is not allowed to be said, how can we still praise our children?\” In fact, parents\’ praise is good, and children also long for the recognition and praise of adults. But praise needs a clear purpose, which is to let children pay attention to what they are doing and encourage them to be good and good, rather than letting children blindly pursue positive comments from others. To do this, parents must be able to accept their children\’s achievements as well as their mistakes and failures. The former is easy, the latter is the real challenge, which means: Praise for seeing the child. CCTV recommends over 500 high-scoring excellent documentaries. Children will become addicted to self-discipline after watching Pattern Explosion. You will see the successful results of your children, and you will also need to see their progress in the process and their hearts. Therefore, when praising your children, you should do the following:First, praise the process, praise the efforts, and praise the children\’s efforts in the process, rather than simply praising the successful results. A better way to express it is: \”You took this exam seriously and worked hard. Mom and Dad will see it and I hope you will keep up your efforts.\” In this way, the child will know how he has improved. Even if he fails next time, he will I will also reflect on whether I am not working hard enough, and I will be more positive in the face of setbacks. Adults do not need to praise children\’s innate talents too much. On the contrary, persistence, courage, diligence, hard work, perseverance, serious attitude…these are worthy of your analysis to your children. Second, praise specific details. The more specific, the better. When parents praise their children, they must pay attention to the details and point out what they did well and what they did not do well enough. When a child draws a picture, you might as well say: \”The color combination of your painting looks really good! How did you come up with the idea of ​​doing this?\” The more specific the description, the more convincing the praise and praise will be. And with this kind of targeted praise, children will know where to work hard. Third, praise must be sincere and true. When it comes to praising children, it is not only about language, but more importantly, attitude. When praising, look into the child\’s eyes and acknowledge the child from the bottom of your heart based on objective facts, rather than praising for the sake of praising. Even if the child has only made small progress, he will look at the child with an accepting attitude and a developmental perspective. Only in your sincerity can your children feel accepted and seen. There is this sentence in \”Anti-Fragile Parenting\”: \”We often rashly try to make our children happier because we can\’t stand their unhappiness. As everyone knows, the best parenting strategy is to let children realize that no matter how unhappy they behave, OK, we will all love him without distinction.\” When parents\’ love and acceptance are not based on their children\’s performance, they will be more patient and sincere when evaluating their children.