Praising your child like this may be hurting him

My daughter Yanyan originally loved dancing. Every time she heard that she was going to dance, she was very excited. All her friends praised her: \”Yanyan, you are so talented and you dance so beautifully.\” However, one day she didn\’t want to dance anymore and they forced her to go. She didn\’t want to stand in the classroom with her head down. move. The family felt that the child might lack self-confidence and wanted to make her more confident. We have frequently praised her: \”Yanyan, look, you did a great job just now, you are the best.\” \”Yanyan, you are great, you can do everything well.\” However, Yanyan But when encountering difficulties, they become even more reluctant to try. Asked her why, she said: \”If I don\’t do well, others will dislike me.\” We always hope that our children can be confident in themselves, not afraid of difficulties, not afraid of challenges, and willing to try even if they are not capable; however, things go against our expectations. Praise actually makes children reluctant to do things they originally like. This reminds me of my good friend’s son Chenchen. A few days ago, there was something going on at a relative\’s house, and a group of children were playing together. During this period, Chenchen competed with another child for a toy. The friend quickly said: \”Chenchen, you are the best, you are a good boy, please let your brother go.\” When Chenchen heard her mother\’s words, she smashed the toy angrily. My friend was so angry that she thought she was a mother who took care of her children\’s emotions. Every time her children did something, she would praise them promptly in the hope of strengthening their behavior. But now that the child is older, he seems to get very angry when he hears her praise and insists on confronting her. Praising our children seems to be something we do every day, but over time, we find that it backfires. Improper praise can easily cause children to attribute their being liked and praised to their success in doing things. Once they encounter difficulties, they will easily give up and be unwilling to try new challenges. If the child is often praised, but as time goes by, the child will find that he is not as good as he was praised, and the child will use \”action\” to resist. Why does such praise make children behave worse? After years of experiments and research, Carol Dweck, a famous psychologist at Stanford University, proposed that people\’s thinking styles are divided into two types, one is growth thinking and the other is fixed thinking. Professor Carroll analyzed the impact of two modes of thinking on people: People with a fixed mindset believe that personal abilities are fixed, they are afraid of failure, and are unwilling to accept challenges and any tests. They just want to stay in their comfort zone. People with a growth mindset believe that abilities can be developed and the status quo can be changed through hard work. She conducted a puzzle experiment: First, after asking the children to do simple puzzles, the researchers randomly divided the children into two groups. One group of children received a compliment about IQ, such as, \”You are very talented. Very smart.\” Another group of children received a compliment about hard work, such as, \”You must have worked very hard just now, so you performed very well.\” Then, the children participated in the second round of puzzle tests, this time there were simple and complex puzzles. Two choices of difficulty. It was found that 90% of the children who were praised for their hard work chose the more difficult task. Most of those children who were praised for being smart chose simple ones.task. The third time, all children took the same test, with no choice. The test was difficult and the children all failed. Those who had been praised for their efforts thought they failed because they did not work hard enough. The children who were praised for their intelligence were frustrated. Next, they gave the children a fourth round of testing, and this time the questions were just as simple as the first round. The scores of those children who were praised for their hard work improved by about 30% on this test compared with the first time. But for those children who were praised for their intelligence, their scores this time dropped by about 20% compared to the first time. Children are praised for being smart and beautiful, and the praise they receive is due to their talents, but these children themselves cannot change. This kind of praise will cause children to form a fixed mindset: I cannot change. The right praise will make children understand that abilities can be changed, and they will form a growth mindset. The way of thinking determines the pattern of life, and the pattern determines the level of life. The world is different if the way of thinking is different. Our way of thinking determines the perspective from which we look at the world and the \”look of the world\” we see. Praising children in different ways will lead to two results. Traditional Chinese education does not advocate praising children because it is believed that praising children will make them proud. So our generation is always thrown cold water by our parents. If we get 98 points in the exam, our parents will say, why didn\’t you get 100 points? When we make progress, we are full of joy and hope to be recognized by our parents, but what we get is dissatisfaction from our parents. We have to do particularly well in order to be praised by our parents. There is a concept of \”projection effect\” in psychology. Sometimes the children we see are not children, but our true selves, the selves we have been accused of and not seen by our parents. When we become parents, our subconscious desire to be praised in childhood is projected onto our children, so we praise our children desperately. When the child can put on his own shoes, we praise him: \”Baby, you are great!\” When the child goes to kindergarten, we praise him: \”Baby, you are great.\” When the child can recite a children\’s song, we praise him: \”You are so great.\” Awesome.\” Yes, we all believe that only by praising children for a long time can we give them enough self-confidence and enough love. But looking at it now, excessive praise or inappropriate praise can really hurt a child, or even destroy a child. When they encounter difficulties, they will not ignite their belief in challenging. Instead, they will first doubt whether they have the ability. When they do not do well, they will not try or change. They believe that abilities are fixed. When we praise our children, we can bring them a feeling of pleasure, but the pleasure brought by inappropriate praise is short-lived: once they encounter difficulties, their self-confidence will be undermined and their enthusiasm will disappear. As a parent, the best gift you can give your children is to be confident in yourself, face difficulties and take positive challenges, learn from failures, and continue to grow. This is a growth mindset. Help children develop a growth mindset and stop limiting them with fixed labels. This is the best love. Psychologist Rudolf Drakes wrote: Children need encouragement like plants need water. Without encouragement, the child\’s character cannot develop healthily, and the child will not have a sense of belonging. drumMotivating children is an ongoing process that focuses on giving them self-esteem and a sense of accomplishment. So as parents, how do we praise our children so that they have self-esteem and a sense of accomplishment? 1. Praise your children for their hard work. There is a little boy Sansan from the neighbor’s house. When he was young, he was timid and introverted. He would cry when encountering the slightest problem. Later, Sansan fell in love with roller skating. On the first day of class, Sansan was timid and did not dare to step forward. Later, with the help of the coach, Sansan took the first step, but fell down. Suffering from this setback, Sansan was no longer willing to go to class, but Sansan’s mother told him: I think you are very brave today. You have slipped a few steps from not daring to step forward. This is progress. I believe that with hard work, you will There is progress every day. Sansan thought so. Later, Sansan made great progress and his self-confidence increased greatly. He often played roller skating in the community. Many people he knew began to praise him: \”Sansan, you are so athletic and handsome!\” The third mother quickly stopped everyone: \”If you want to praise him, praise his efforts.\” If we blindly praise the child\’s innate conditions, the child will think that the good things he does are because of his talent. When we praise children for their hard work, they will understand: As long as I work hard, I will make progress every day, so that children will have greater motivation. 2. Praise the specific, not the general. If we praise the child generally, and the child discovers that he is not that great, this will make the child doubt himself and his parents. And praising children in general terms, such as \”You are awesome\” and \”You are very good\” will make children at a loss. When a child helps his mother sweep the floor, instead of praising him: \”Good boy, you are great\”, the mother should tell him: \”Thank you for helping my mother sweep the floor. Mom is very happy.\” Targeted and specific praise will make it easier for children to understand and know what to do and how to work hard in the future. 3. Seek truth from facts and do not judge personality. The story of actor Anthony Wong Chau-sang\’s long journey to find his father makes people feel a lot: his father abandoned them when Wong was 4 years old. Mother and son lived a hard life in Hong Kong, and his father corresponded with them. A sentence in the letter was deeply buried in Huang Qiusheng\’s heart: \”If you are a good boy, I will help you handle everything.\” Later, his father lost contact. Whenever he encountered difficulties, he always wondered: \”Is it me?\” Not good enough, why didn\’t he help me with everything?\” It took him 45 years to come to terms with himself. \”Good boy\” just praises his personality. Children are given the nihilistic concept of \”good\”, which can easily cause stress. And how many people are stuck in the word \”good\” for their entire lives, taking other people\’s evaluations as their own value. And if the parents\’ praise is always \”exaggerated,\” the children will also feel pressured and feel that they are not worthy of such praise. What will they do? That is, when you have just finished praising him, he will do something that gives you a headache to show \”sincerity\”. Haim G. Ginot said that praise that evaluates character and character is unpleasant and unsafe. Praise that describes efforts and feelings is beneficial and safe. Our descriptive praise, and the positive inferences the child draws from it, builds the child\’s mental world. 4. Praise sincerely, don’t praise casually. If you praise casually,My child, your praise may come out of your mouth, but your attitude must be absent-minded. This kind of praise is worse than no praise. Children are sensitive. How can parents make their children feel respected if they praise them randomly? Improper praise will restrict and hurt the child. Therefore, we must praise the child\’s hard work in a concrete and sincere way, and do not evaluate the child\’s personality. Praise the facts realistically, so that children can gain a sense of belonging, self-esteem and accomplishment from the praise. Praise your children in the right way and help them find a sense of belonging, value and accomplishment, instead of filling the void in your child\’s heart with praise over and over again. This is the best love that parents can give their children.