Psychiatrist: Don’t be afraid to give your children the “appropriate framework”

Nowadays, too many parents who love their children dare not set boundaries for their children, thinking that this will bring trauma to their children. In fact, this has caused their children to grow into a lost generation. What’s wrong with the parenting view of “as long as the children are happy”? Once when I was traveling in Europe, I saw a boy who was making trouble all the way, pulling his mother\’s hair, opening her bag and scattering things on the floor. My mother was very good-tempered and let him do whatever he wanted. Later, his mother bought a cone and he ate it randomly, all over his and his father\’s clothes. Not long after eating, the whole cone fell on his shoes, and his mother actually said: \”well done!\” Many people at our age said Parents feel that they did not receive support from their parents during their growth stage, so their children always say \”well done\” in everything they do. For example, if the school homework is not done and the teacher writes a home-school report, the mother does not blame the child but says: \”I hope the teacher can guide the child in a more efficient and inspiring way.\” Kind little angels also have a conflicting nature. Modern parents tend to \”completely trust\” \”Child\”, I believe that children are angels, but the ruthless world, terrible teachers, and classmates with inappropriate emotional control have caused my child\’s troubles. This phenomenon is worrying. Children are of course kind, but human nature also has the urge to attack and challenge limits, in order to clarify \”who they are.\” Understanding what is allowed and what is not allowed in group life is a norm in a civilized society. If parents want to help their children survive healthily in this world, in addition to endless love, they must also help them accept an appropriate \”frame\”, which is called a \”frame\” in psychology, just like the fragile iPhone screen needs borders around it. Although the frame is a restriction, it also has the function of accommodation and protection. Children need to test their aggression, know themselves, and know that the bad things they do will not destroy the world. This is actually one of the sources of security. Xiaoli is a primary school student, and her teacher wants her parents to take her for a checkup because she has serious behavioral problems. Her parents told the teacher: \”We don\’t plan to train her to be a good boy. Can the teacher not be so demanding? Just let her make a few friends.\” But none of her classmates wanted to be friends with Xiaoli. There was always a vacuum around her, and the teacher spent a lot of time protecting her from being bullied. In the end, Xiaoli\’s parents had to take her to see a psychiatrist. After communicating with the teacher, Xiaoli’s parents learned that when she saw her classmates bringing new toys and water bottles, she would destroy them and break them. She made strange noises in class, but it was not an uncontrollable behavior like Tourette syndrome. , for example, she kept fidgeting with the iron piece of the pencil box and made a \”click-click\” sound. When the teacher stopped her, she threw the pencil case on the ground, picked it up, and kept throwing and picking it up. During the meeting, Xiaoli’s parents traced the root cause of her problematic behavior and discovered that she might have had a congenital heart problem when she was born. After undergoing surgery, her parents have always been afraid of losing her. Invisibly, they have become \”as long as you live, everything will be fine.\” view of education. Xiaoli\’s mother said that sometimes she would get angry when she acted mischievously, but she had a kind of fear: \”If I get angry at my child, will God take the child away?\” When her mother realized that Xiaoli\’s problematic behaviors were increasing, , can no longer be disciplined. The psychotherapist wanted to help Xiaoli get back on track, butShe kept sabotaging during the play therapy process. The therapist asked Xiaoli: \”Do you think I will like you the same no matter how you destroy my things?\” From this sentence, Xiaoli\’s treatment took a turn for the better. This therapist was once stuck in an impasse and was unable to touch Xiaoli\’s heart. When she was discussing with the treatment team, the senior supervisor asked her: \”How did you feel when you were treating Xiaoli? What you can\’t break through may also be what the parents can\’t.\” Breakthroughs, sometimes children will get adults stuck in a state, making it impossible for you to teach them or help them.\” The therapist said frankly: \”I endure the feeling of hating Xiaoli every day, but as the main therapist, I said I hate her , I\’m so ashamed!\” Unexpectedly, the supervisor said: \”You may be the only person who honestly faces the feelings caused by Xiaoli. If you can face the feeling of \’I am not a good enough therapist to handle this child\’, Only then can we help Xiaoli and her parents face the real dilemma.\” Trouble-making is to test the love of parents. Xiaoli\’s parents, like many parents, cannot face the question \”Are we not good enough parents? Why did we raise a child with problems? \”My child\”, I had no choice but to deny that there was something wrong with Xiaoli and continue to believe that everything was fine with her. Xiaoli is constantly testing: \”Mom and Dad, if I mess around like this, will you still love me?\”, \”Teacher, if I punish you like this, will you still love me?\” When a child becomes like this, of course it is different from an adult. There are relationships. It’s not that the parenting is bad, but that parents tend to ignore their own emotional needs when taking care of their children. Parents may sacrifice leisure, career promotion, overseas study and other opportunities for their children. If parents do not face and digest these negative emotions, children will feel it. Although they can\’t explain it, they will feel strange and scared: \”My parents are obviously unhappy, but they don\’t admit it. Is it because it is terrible? If my parents are more angry, will they abandon me?\” Children would rather their parents treat them Set limits and tell him: \”If you cross this line, it will cause trouble. We want you to stay here, not over there.\” If the boundaries are appropriate and not overly restrictive, the child will be more relaxed than if there are no boundaries! Parents who don\’t explain clear boundaries allow their children to be spoiled to the point of being lawless. When parents can\’t stand it anymore, they will eventually show signs of tiredness or disgust. It\’s like the child has stepped on a landmine for no apparent reason! That\’s the worst damage. If the boundaries are clear and children know exactly what to do when they want to be good children (of course they don\’t always want to be good children), such children will be more likely to have confidence in their abilities and control. Parents may wish to think deeply that upbringing without boundaries cannot help children establish a positive self-concept.