Put away your guilt and don’t be a perfect mother

Backstage, I always receive various messages of guilt and self-blame from mothers. They feel guilty that they did not give their babies full breast milk, they feel guilty that the baby fell off the bed, they feel guilty that the baby has various problems because they did not take good care of them. The most exaggerated one is There was a mother whose baby was born with a heart defect, and she felt extremely guilty that she had not controlled her emotions well during pregnancy. Mothers reflect so deeply on the heinous mistakes they have made, blaming themselves so much that they can\’t eat or sleep, and feel like they are unforgivable sinners. This feeling is not unfamiliar. When I read these messages, I seem to see myself helpless four years ago, clumsy and trembling. Despite all my hard work every day, the child is still in constant trouble. In my memory, the child always seems to be howling. I cry, but I am always helpless. The cry is like a sharp thorn that keeps piercing my heart, as if to say – you are doing too bad, you are not a good mother! When this feeling of powerlessness penetrates my bones, what else can I do but let guilt and self-blame gnaw at my heart? And when I look back at those stressful and miserable days, I just find it funny. If I had a time machine, I would go back and scold myself – don\’t overestimate yourself, you are not perfect, and It will never be perfect! Recently, I saw an advertisement on a community bulletin board for a class on how to be a parent. The title was \”Nobody is perfect\”, although this sentence seems to be known to everyone. Nonsense, but we still need to hold a lecture so that new parents can learn from it. Apparently, new mothers are constantly falling into confusion and blaming themselves for not being perfect. In life, work and study, will you ask yourself to be perfect and make no mistakes? When you are too lazy to wash the dishes one night, when you make a mistake in your report, or when you fail to get full marks on an exam, will you strongly blame yourself and repent? No, right? If someone really made such demands on themselves in daily life, everyone would think that this person has obsessive-compulsive disorder. But once they have a baby, mothers who are normally normal people begin to be frightened. They constantly measure their weight, calculate their milk volume, check their stools, use all possible methods to comfort their crying babies, and keep an eye on their babies all the time, lest they Something went wrong, something was abnormal, and when a mother demands this of herself, generally no one will think there is anything wrong, but that she is responsible. Because of our natural moral rightness, we sometimes overindulge our motherly instincts. No matter how right something is, as long as it is excessive, it will definitely turn into a bad thing, including excessive standards of maternal love. If you insist on having too high standards for yourself, no matter how hard you try, you are bound to fail, because A baby is a living person, an infinitely complex, extremely sophisticated system that is changing violently all the time. You can never predict what will happen at the next moment. In the face of this huge and unknowable system, if you don\’t explore, try, and make mistakes, how can you figure out the rules? Guilt and self-blame are meaningless for mistakes that have already occurred. The only meaningful thing is to think about how to prevent it from happening next time. Moreover, in the process of raising a baby, there is nothing unforgivable in making mistakes. Maybe the little baby in the arms seems too soft and fragile. Mothers have forgotten that the strength that belongs to life comes from the successful evolution of millions of years. Excellent genes. He will cough to expel fluid from his trachea, vomit to relieve overfeeding, and have diarrhea to expel harmful food from the body. He will naturally avoid sudden strong light exposure, he will struggle in uncomfortable postures to protest, and his soft body will buffer most physical damage. He knows what it is to be hungry, what it is to be full, what it is to be in pain, and if you do something that hurts him, he will definitely tell you with tears. He has a natural immune system that takes some time to fight off most viruses, and he can live healthily in a world with bacteria. No matter how anxious you are, he will grow and develop at his own pace. No matter what kind of food you provide, he will grow healthily as long as he eats what he needs. In fact, everything has already been arranged, but mothers always believe too much in the power of their own control and refuse to believe in the magic of creation. So, moms, don’t blame yourself for not being perfect, because you are not God. You can never prevent all accidents, because the spirit cannot be tense all the time; you can never prevent crying, because crying is the language of babies; you can never prevent disease, because disease is the path to strength; let alone I hope that my baby will always have smooth and clean skin, always golden and moderately soft and regular stools, and always have a regular diet and sleep, because turbulence will always accompany growth. Those mothers who are said to have a smooth life raising their babies are actually not because they did a perfect job, but because they were lucky enough to have an angel baby with low needs and few problems. Moms who are addicted to self-blame and guilt, from today on, tell yourself loudly that I am not perfect. Even if you are not perfect, the world will still work as usual. Although breast milk is a good thing, eating more or less will not make any difference when your baby grows up. Even if you fall out of bed and cry miserably, more than 99% of them may not. Cause permanent damage; high-demand babies have a lot of needs and will be dissatisfied no matter how you take care of them. How can it not be as satisfying as everyone wants, but I hope it will live up to my heart. Just try your best in everything, but you have no control over the outcome. Being a mother is very simple, as long as you have a lot of love in your heart. Don\’t try to be perfect and leave yourself room, so that you can enjoy the joy of parenting and calm down to appreciate the miracle of growth. Even if you are not perfect, even if you make mistakes occasionally, you are still a good mother.