Raise naughty children with mindfulness and achieve nourishing growth

Many friends said to Annie, if that naughty kid in my family could be like Li Han, I would be happy to have a dozen more. Annie\’s son Li Han is 6 years old this year. He is polite and courteous to others. He takes the initiative to take care of his friends when going out to play. He is also a good helper for teachers in kindergarten. Of course, I have also seen Li Han lose his temper. I spotted a toy I liked in the mall and stayed where I was, refusing to leave. After asking her mother again and again, she just sat down on the ground and rolled around, attracting passers-by\’s attention. Annie wasn\’t upset at all, she just knelt down to talk to him and asked me to go shopping elsewhere first. About 20 minutes later, the mother and son walked towards me happily. I quietly asked Annie: Are you okay? A child can handle such a strong emotion. Please teach me two tricks so that you can deal with my baby when you go back. Anne glanced at me and said: Dear, I have to correct your wording. First, children\’s emotions are not suppressed, but resolved; second, children are not to be dealt with, but to be carefully raised by us. I was stunned for a while and listened to Annie continue: Many people asked me, how can I teach Li Han so well? My answer is only four words: mindful parenting. After studying psychology for so many years, I think this is a method that is both down-to-earth and effective. Moreover, I myself was nourished in the process of growing up with him. You know how irritable I used to be. I couldn\’t help laughing when I thought about my friends joking that Annie went to study psychology because of her bad temper. It is true that Anne has changed a lot in recent years and has become a well-known consultant. When we parted that day, Anne recommended a book to me – \”The Mindful Parenting\” co-authored by Dr. Kabat-Zinn and his wife. This isn’t the first time I’ve heard about the importance of mindfulness for children. I have heard from friends in the United States that in innovative schools in Silicon Valley, children have 30 minutes of mindfulness training every day as part of their daily learning. A large number of studies have shown that children who are raised with mindfulness have higher emotional intelligence than ordinary children, and because their emotions can be effectively channeled, they rarely leave psychological shadows during their growth, and they will not have a childish mind when they grow up. Living with trauma. I opened this book with curiosity, and I was deeply moved. Dr. Kabat-Zinn is known as the father of \”mindful parenting\”. In his book \”Mindful Parenting\”, he tells readers how to use mindfulness training to help them play a good role as parents. While raising your children, you are also constantly nourishing yourself. In the first chapter of the book, he proposes the characteristics of mindful parenting: concentration, observing as it is, being aware of the present moment, non-judgment, openness and acceptance. Most importantly, always have love with you. I thought of the famous singer Chen Meiling who was as famous as Teresa Teng and Meiling Weng. When she was famous, she quit the Hong Kong entertainment industry and went to the University of Toronto to study child psychology. She later continued her studies and received a doctorate in education from Stanford University. During this period, she raised three sons, and now the children have been admitted to Stanford University as undergraduates. This celebrity mom is the poster child for mindful parenting. She said her three children have brought her more growth than earning a PhD. When the eldest son was in elementary school, he failed in a test one time and lied to his mother that the test papers had not been distributed yet. However, Chen Meiling found a book in his schoolbag.A 70-point test paper. She asked the child: \”Why did you lie?\” The child replied: \”Because I did not do well in the exam.\” At that moment, Chen Meiling felt that her heart was hurt. She told her children: No matter whether you did well or not, no matter what kind of child you are, you are deeply loved by your mother, and there is no need to lie. Because if you tell a lie, you have to tell more lies to cover it up. You will become more and more separated from your true self, and your relationship with your mother will become farther and farther away. This is what your mother does not want to see. The child burst into tears after hearing this, and the mother and son just talked to each other and hugged each other tightly. From then on, the children would communicate openly with their parents about anything they encountered. The children also stood up to support her when she faced setbacks. Chen Meiling said that she had many similar experiences during the raising of her three children. Every time, after the exchange of laughter and tears, the mother and son became closer and closer, and she also felt the deep love and the strengthening of her inner strength. In the process of getting along with her children, she always shows understanding, does not compare, and does not judge, so that the children can feel the unconditional love of their mother and grow up happily. At the same time, because of the encouragement of her children, she bravely pursued her dreams and became the envied \”Stanford Mom\”. The nurturing growth brought about by mindful parenting is the result of a virtuous cycle of parent-child communication. I also heard a case from Annie about Chen Meiling and her three academic sons. Lele\’s mother received a complaint from the teacher, saying that he did not listen to the teacher and his grades were a mess. Lele\’s mother said that she had been beaten and scolded, but to no avail. She had no choice but to take her children to Anne for help. Annie observed that when her mother was talking, Lele glanced at her mother secretly from time to time and was very concerned about the changes in her expression. After questioning, she found the source of the problem. It turns out that Lele\’s father is away doing business all year round, and there are only mother and son at home. My mother has great expectations for Lele and is always worried that he will not be able to keep up with other friends, so she has enrolled him in various interest classes since he was a child. Lele\’s grades after entering school were good, but as she continued to study, they got worse. Her mother became more and more disappointed, and she couldn\’t help but get angry when doing homework every day. Annie said to her mother: I understand it is not easy for you to take care of Lele alone, but before taking care of him, please take care of your own emotions. Your anxiety will be transmitted to your child, and the expectations you give your child will become his pressure. How can such a frightened child learn well? Annie suggested that her mother use the methods taught in \”Mindful Parenting\” to try to establish a new parenting model with Lele. Dr. Kabat-Zinn said that many parents are accustomed to treating the parent-child relationship with \”discipline.\” However, discipline is more about individual responsibilities. Parents have to communicate with their children in a responsible way for a long time, which is extremely stressful and consumes both sides\’ mental energy. As a result, discipline has become \”parents discipline, children bark\”. We obviously love our children wholeheartedly and have read many parenting education books. Why do we always deviate from the original intention of love during the parenting process? Dr. Kabat-Zinn said that three major reasons lead to a crisis in the parent-child relationship: 1. Preset expectations for children. Dr. Kabat-Zinn believes that parents have expectations for their children, and there is no malice in doing so. Some expectations are beneficial and can catalyze important opportunities. However, some expectations can limit children and even cause them toHe and himself suffer needlessly. He points out in the book that expectations are often followed by our judgment of something. Parents expect their children to do things well or follow preset requirements. If the children fail to do so, we will be disappointed. At this time, the child will feel the judgment of his parents in his heart, and he will feel embarrassed, aggrieved, and powerless. Children who live in this pattern for a long time will become cautious and work hard to meet their parents\’ expectations. 2. Failure to empathize with their children. According to Dr. Kabat-Zinn, many parents do not regard their children as independent individuals and have a sense of control. They forcefully input their wishes, but ignore their children’s feelings and needs and fail to communicate with them. Bit of thinking. The result is that the child feels neglected and left out, and the scars of scarcity may be left on the soul. In fact, when parents think about problems from their children\’s perspective, it is a sign of respect for their children and an important skill for effective communication. When a child is growing up, the role of parents is to be a supporter and companion, not a dominator. Through empathy, children\’s true needs can be perceived by parents and appropriate responses can be made. 3. Not knowing how to apologize to children. Dr. Kabat-Zinn mentioned in the book that many parents establish an image of authority in front of their children and are afraid that once they apologize to their children, they will lose their prestige in front of them. However, parents who refuse to admit their mistakes will have no trust in the eyes of their children. When children lose trust in their closest parents, the parent-child relationship will deviate from the track of love. If an incident causes a conflict, both parties must be responsible. Parents should find the right time to analyze the causes and consequences with their children. If it is indeed the parents who did something wrong, they should first apologize to their children and point out their mistakes. Then, discuss with him: If we encounter the same situation next time, how should we solve it? Mindful parenting upholds the awareness of love. Parents no longer look at their children through the veil of their own fears and expectations, so they can see their children\’s needs clearly and understand what they should do. By interacting with children, you can also see your true emotions, learn how to deal with difficulties, enhance your inner strength, and achieve mutually nourishing growth. Dr. Kabat-Zinn makes the following suggestions in the book to help parents raise their children mindfully: 1. Connect with your children with empathy Empathy is trying to see things from the child\’s point of view. Understand his feelings and experiences, be aware of what is happening in each moment, including being aware of your own feelings, and be with your child with compassion. When a child is happy, crying, sad, or in need of a hug, empathy will open up enough space in the inner heart of the parents to firmly catch the child\’s emotions, respond naturally, and connect with love. What the child perceives from this is: My feelings are important, and my parents feel the same way as me. I feel safe expressing my true feelings. Parents can also learn acceptance and openness from such interactions, and gradually become more empathetic and more capable people to support their children. 2. Mindful touch allows children to truly feel love. Dr. Kabat-Zinn said that touch is a way to let us know that we are not alone. It is a connection from which awareness arises. We touch with all our senses: sight, hearing, smell, taste and touch. Through loving mindful touches such as hugging, kissing, snuggling, rocking, humming, gazing, etc., children can awaken a sense of connection in their bodies and recognize themselves and others. He will realize that his feelings are respected and accepted by his parents, and that he is deeply loved. At the same time, parents will also be immersed in a soothing, quiet, relaxed and loving atmosphere through mindful contact with their children. The nourishment the child brings to the parent in that moment feels like a signal of love that has been sent out and then bounced back. 3. When parents lose control of their emotions, use mindfulness to open their minds. When parents lose control of their emotions, they cannot hear any words in their minds, and their body and mind lose balance, which may also affect innocent children. At this time, parents need to deliberately stop and stop at this moment. Acknowledge and accept the existence of emotions truthfully, integrate awareness into your breathing, and realize that you are in the moment of solving the current dilemma. You should avoid reacting with uncontrolled anger to avoid worsening the situation. When emotions take a back seat, room for problem solving emerges. Mindfulness provides a process that allows parents to be aware of their own emotional ups and downs, deliberately stop, and be as grounded in their body and breathing as possible. By observing oneself, the inner space is expanded and the mind is opened. Parents will respond to their children with a more intelligent attitude, explore better solutions together, and reach a consensus with their children. \”Mindful Parenting\” has now become my pillow reading. Every time I read it, I am always moved. Dr. and Mrs. Kabat-Zinn integrated many years of practical experience into this book, and there is love between the lines. As the doctor said, raising a child is like entering a meditation camp that lasts for eighteen years. The child is the best Zen master, constantly testing the wisdom of the parents with various problems and motivating the parents to grow. At the same time, children are like mirrors, helping parents see their true selves. May we all be parents with righteous thoughts and let the parent-child relationship become a beautiful grace for mutual growth.