Reason with your children this way, and be careful when they grow up and use \”strong words\” with you.

My best friend Xiaojuan is a school psychological counselor. She once took over such a case: One day, a girl came to Xiaojuan\’s clinic. This girl has long, silky hair, a lavender plaid cotton skirt, and a pair of fresh white shoes. She looks delicate and cute. The girl was born in a well-off family. Her father is a teacher in a key middle school and her mother is a pharmacist in a provincial hospital. She has had good living conditions since she was a child. She spoke politely and had a sweet voice. Such a girl should be very popular. However, in school, she always lived in isolation and looked sad. She is shy and silent, unwilling to communicate with her roommates, for fear that others will think she is boring and look down on her. The teacher organized students to discuss cases. She had good ideas, but she remained silent and did not dare to speak. Her grades were good, and her teacher persuaded her to apply for a national scholarship, but she hesitated and gave up the opportunity that was readily available to her. She felt that it would be embarrassing if she failed to apply. She closed herself in a small world alone, alienated from everyone. When others were talking and laughing happily, she always felt that they were laughing at her, laughing at her weird personality and lack of merit. For this reason, she was secretly sad and self-pitying. The origin of this personality can be traced back to her childhood. I once heard someone say this: \”What a person looks like when he grows up is, more or less, the accumulation of many moments in childhood.\” The famous psychological counselor Kelly Lane also once said: \” Childhood memories are particularly vivid because they are the first life experiences and have a special flavor. Some things will bring us unbearable emotional stimulation and remain in our memories in a distorted form.\” This is why This is the case with the girl who consulted. When she was a child, her parents were very strict with her. They believe that \”if jade is not polished, it cannot be used as a tool\” and that \”the sound of a drum must be beaten with a heavy hammer\”. Therefore, if something she does does not meet the family\’s expectations, her parents will immediately look down on her and criticize her: When she failed to get a perfect score in the math test, her father would scold her: \”You are so careless. Why didn\’t you do it before handing in the paper?\” How many times should you check it?\” When she was washing the dishes, she accidentally broke a bowl. Her mother blamed her: \”Have you not developed a brain? You can\’t do such a small thing well!\” In order to give her \”some memory\”, she made mistakes Later, her parents would even deliberately criticize her in front of relatives and friends: \”So-and-so in our family is so stupid that she has been eating for nothing in the past few years.\” Her parents repeatedly criticized her, making her remember these accusations firmly and produce A deep sense of inferiority develops and a wrong self-perception is formed. From then on, she no longer believed in her own excellence and always held the concept of \”I am not good enough\”, so she formed the habit of withdrawing and avoiding in life. After Xiaojuan finished talking about the case, she sighed: This girl\’s father is a teacher. He wanted to be a strict teacher, but he forgot to be a loving father. Her mother is a pharmacist and wants to use criticism as a powerful medicine to inspire her to work hard, but she forgets that when dealing with children, understanding and respect are the panacea. I once read a story in a parenting book: Xiaomeng is a third-grade child. His mother wants to exercise his hands-on skills, so she eatsAfter that, let him wash the dishes. Xiaomeng rolled up his sleeves and started working seriously. After a while, he shouted cheerfully: \”Mom, I have washed all the dishes!\” So my mother walked into the kitchen, picked up the bowl and looked at it, and frowned. She said nonchalantly: \”Tsk, tsk, look at the dishes you washed, there is still oil inside! The outside is not clean either. I have taught you so many times, but you can\’t remember it. You even failed to wash the dishes.\” You are so stupid.\” Xiaomeng was stunned when she heard this, with tears in her eyes, feeling very aggrieved. When my mother saw it, she became even more impatient: \”Cry, cry, cry, you know how to cry, what else can you do?\” At this time, my father also walked into the kitchen. When he saw those greasy bowls, he didn\’t scold Xiaomeng, but picked up a bowl and washed it for him to see. Dad said while washing: \”You have to use hot water to wash the dishes to remove the oil stains. Cold water is not so good. Wash the inside and outside of the bowl carefully. First rub it with dish soap and then put it in clean water. Rinse it. Finally, wipe the bowl dry with a clean cloth and put it neatly in the cupboard. Now, have you learned it?\” Xiaomeng nodded. Dad squatted down and encouraged him kindly and gently: \”Come on, wash another bowl and let Dad see it, okay?\” Xiaomeng followed the same method, and soon, he washed out a bowl that was as bright as new. The father took the opportunity to praise and said: \”My son is so smart and learns quickly.\” Xiaomeng laughed happily, feeling happy and shy at the same time. Regarding this case, experts commented that Xiaomeng’s parents actually demonstrated two different ways of criticizing and educating their children. The mother blames the child\’s inability to wash dishes on his \”poor ability.\” In this way, on the one hand, it damages the child\’s self-esteem. On the other hand, the child still does not understand what is the right thing to do. Next time, he may still \”return to his old ways\” and repeat the same mistakes, and then be regarded as \”knowingly\” by his parents. As for my father, his education method is \”only for things, not for people.\” He patiently and meticulously told the children where they went wrong and how they could improve and do better. In this way, not only will the child not feel wronged or rebellious, but he will also be able to gain practical life experience and truly learn how to wash dishes. Although the child is young, he already has a strong sense of self. He has human dignity and desires respect and equal treatment. Parents often believe that \”small trees need to be cut down and children need to be managed.\” When their children do not do things as expected, they will be arrogant, condescending, and criticize them at will, but forget that this will hurt their dignity. If something like this happens again and again over time, some of the injured children will become angry and rebellious. They will be inspired by their parents to have self-defense and resistance, and they will specifically confront their parents in the future. Others, like the female student my best friend met, formed a negative self-perception after being repeatedly beaten, thinking that they were really bad and worthless, so they retreated into their shy and silent shells and grew up. After that, I was still pessimistic, lonely, and self-pitying. Criticism also needs to be structured and should not be simple and crude, which will destroy the children\’s sense of self-confidence and affect their character and growth, but they themselves will be at a loss. No one is born with the ability to do everything well. when the child appearsIt is inevitable to criticize them if they make mistakes. But when teaching children, in order to avoid hurting them, we might as well pay attention to the following points: delay the time of educating children. This does not mean that if the child makes a mistake and does not criticize it at the time, we will find him to \”settle the score later\”. Rather, when parents see that their children do something that does not meet their expectations, they should give themselves some time to calm down and not rush to criticize. We often say: \”Impulse is the devil\” and \”Don\’t make decisions when you are angry.\” If we are still angry when we are educating our children, we will inevitably speak uncontrollably. After the anger is gone, many people will regret it and feel that they used the wrong words and were too cruel to their children, but the damage has been done and it is too late. When our children are irritated, we can use the following methods to restore calm: Abdominal breathing: Deep breathing is a very effective emotional switch, which can help us expel the carbon dioxide trapped at the bottom of the lungs and make our mood peaceful and tranquil. Please breathe long and evenly, in through your nose and out through your mouth. When you inhale, puff up your belly, and when you exhale, tighten your belly. Take about 15 seconds to complete the entire breathing process. Repeat it about 20 times and you will feel much calmer. Reasonable avoidance: It is to leave the scene and the source of the irritating stimulus and go to a quieter place to adjust your mood. Organize your thoughts, trace the root cause to find the crux of the problem, and then face the child after completing the emotional transformation. When educating your children, please put comfort before criticism and express your understanding to your children first. Parents must have empathy, empathize with their children, and put themselves in his shoes, in order to eliminate his resistance, let him let go of his guard, and open his heart. That way, he won\’t see you as an enemy attacking him, but as a mate in the same trench. A child\’s heart is like a cup. It can\’t hold your opinions unless the disgust inside is emptied. Educate children with a gentler attitude and lower your voice: high-octave sounds can cause sharp stimulation and bore children. Low-decibel sounds are softer and easier to attract children\’s attention. At the same time, the speed of speaking should also be slowed down. Slow sounds, like the warm south wind, are contagious and can make the listener more focused, and also allow the expresser to be more calm and choose words and sentences more carefully. In addition, speaking slowly will also help your children follow your thoughts, understand your words, and make communication smoother. Lower your posture: Please squat down and talk to your child. Adults need a \”sense of ritual\” in the world, and children actually need it too. Squatting down is a ritual and a gesture. On the one hand, it allows the child to see that you are willing to change for him, so that he can hear your words more clearly when communicating, and thus feel good about him. On the other hand, by squatting down, you can look at the other person, which will make it easier for the child to accept and feel that the parent\’s attitude is friendly and equal, rather than being condescending, pointing, and full of arrogant authority and superiority. American psychiatrist Goldfarb once said: \”The most important thing when educating children is to treat them as equals to yourself and give them infinite care.\” Use body language to increase intimacy: speak When sitting side by side and in physical contact, rather than sitting across from each other, like in serious businessnegotiation. When talking, you can turn your face and look at your child, using your gentle and serious eyes to make him feel valued. When speaking, it is appropriate to gently stroke his hair, pat his back, and hold his hand to close the distance. It is not advisable to put your hands on your hips or fold your arms across your chest. This will make your child feel oppressed and excluded, and therefore alienate you. When educating children, exercise restraint when educating children. On the one hand, you must address the issue rather than the person. You must not attack the child personally or criticize the child\’s character, character, intelligence and other traits. On the other hand, we should focus on the present, focus on the things in front of us, put forward ideas in a targeted manner, and stop there. Don\’t talk about the past, and settle the old and new accounts together. Many parents like to say: \”You… again, that\’s what you did when…\” However, Confucius once said: \”Don\’t talk about things when they are done, don\’t admonish when things are done, and let bygones be bygones.\” This means that things in the past will be forgotten. Let it go. Everything is over, don’t get entangled, don’t settle. A big taboo when adults quarrel is to \”resolve old scores\”, fearing that the other party will repeatedly pester them for the past. In fact, children are also like this. They are very afraid of others reliving old accounts and repeating the same old tunes. As the saying goes, don\’t do to others what you don\’t want others to do to you, and there is no need to embarrass our children if we don\’t like things. Also, don\’t criticize your children in public. If you criticize your child in front of relatives, colleagues, and friends, the child will feel that from now on, he will not be able to hold his head up. Others are witnesses and have witnessed my embarrassment. As a result, the frustrated experience triggered social avoidance, and the person no longer wanted to talk to others. In addition, when children behave appropriately, they should be promptly reinforced by praise. Teacher Wang Kejing, who has been engaged in student psychology research for many years, once said: \”What kind of person you want your child to be, you have to use what kind of eyes to look at him and what kind of eyes to appreciate him.\” Appreciation and respect in life , extremely important, but extremely lacking. As Carnegie said: \”We nourish our children\’s bodies, but rarely nourish their self-esteem.\” If we ignore their dignity when disciplining children and directly accuse them, we may do bad things with good intentions and affect their character growth. , laying a time bomb for their future. We always feel that as adults, we must know how to teach our children, but the children are ours and we can manage them however we want. However, even adults must live and learn, and they must also comply with the psychological characteristics of children and make the best use of the situation. Nothing can be taken for granted.