Seven years and my kids never answered…

The first story Late at night, Qin, whom I had not contacted for a long time on WeChat, suddenly sent me a message. Through the mobile phone, long paragraphs of text came to me. Qin’s child is in the first grade of junior high school. More than a year ago, she found me through a friend because of the child’s concentration problem. Children who were in sixth grade at that time were basically unable to complete the learning tasks set by their teachers in school, and they never did their homework in school. As early as when the child was in the first or second grade, because of the teacher\’s feedback, the mother had already sent the child to the children\’s hospital and received psychological consultation. The result of the evaluation was that the child\’s learning abilities were all low. The doctor believes that the child has poor concentration and average learning ability. But she said, \”The child just can\’t control himself, and he will get better when he grows up.\” That time she came to me, and the question she asked me was, \”My family thinks I must go to the private junior high school lottery. What do you think?\” Every time? Faced with a parent who was stubborn but asked me for my opinion, I didn’t know how to answer, and she also lost the message. Late at night a year later, she came to me again and asked: \”We went to the hospital for a checkup. The Raven (IQ) test was over 80, and the concentration was much lower…\” \”The child is now 13 years old, and the psychology teacher You actually told me that you don’t have to count on science!” “He can actually complete it at home, he is just lazy!” “He doesn’t do his homework. We have communicated countless times, but he never said the reason. I want to ask, Du Qi Years later, why doesn\’t he tell his true thoughts?\” I was helpless and after thinking about it for a long time, I asked Qin, \”What are your expectations for your child?\” \”I hope he will complete his homework on time, take care of himself, and improve his academic performance. Excellent!\” \”After seven years, have you met your expectations?\” I couldn\’t help but asked. \”Never! He is actually lazy!\” Second story Recently, I gave a class in Himalaya on how to improve primary school students\’ homework ability. The class had a study group. Every day, the mothers in this group share the same resonance as brothers in distress. Often at 9 o\’clock in the evening, they each ask, \”Have you finished your homework? Have you yelled at me? Have you taken action?\” Many mothers in the group even said, \”This What a great group! Only when I got here did I realize that there are so many parents who worry about their children!\” Normally at this time, I would smile and watch everyone chatting, until a mother whose nickname was \”along the way\” said something . \”All our hopes are placed on him (the child)! How could he do this!\” I shudder when I see such words. What is the reason that makes us place all our hopes on others? And this other person is still a weak-looking child? This mother\’s words made me suddenly understand Qin. Maybe all Qin\’s hopes are for her children, or to be precise, her children\’s grades. Then, anything that may go against this expectation will be ignored by Qin herself! I asked along the way, \”How would you feel if there was someone who placed all their hopes and future on you?\” \”I\’m under a lot of pressure. I\’m afraid that I won\’t do well, and I\’m afraid that others will be disappointed!\” One mother replied instantly; \”It\’s scary, I feel like I can\’t be myself!\” Another said. \”This feeling is familiar? Isn’t it very similar to how we felt when we were children? \”Do you still remember your parents\’ expectations of us? Have you all met your parents\’ expectations? Are you happy? The third story, Qing, can be described in eight words. She has a gentle personality and outstanding abilities. It can be said that she is the one in life. A presence that makes everyone feel comfortable, the backbone of the business in the unit, and a good wife and mother in the family. She sent her child to the United States very early. The child\’s grades in primary school in China were not outstanding, and she grew up with her child all the way. The eldest grandma was full of complaints about Qing sending her children abroad. But Qing said, \”The children should be independent, but grandma is too doting. Foreign systems are more suitable for children. \”I have seen Qing\’s child, who is very lively, but not a child with strong sense of rules and self-management ability. But Qing\’s outstanding performance at work makes her convinced of her own judgment. The child was born three years ago One summer, I flew to the United States. Until a year ago, a broken Qing suddenly came to me. It turned out that her child in the United States had dropped out of school on his own, and there were also some behaviors that the young man found unacceptable. Qing had never expected that. The child was knocked down. The child did not answer the phone or reply to messages. I tried various methods, but could not communicate with the child. The message the child left in his personal space was actually \”Joke!\” People who have never understood me are trying to control me! \”Qin in the first story still thinks that her child is just lazy. Her child is no longer willing to go to school and tells her, \”Mom, I don\’t want to go to school. Don\’t force me!\” \” Qin was at a loss, but every time I communicated with her, I found that she was always in her own world. It was not that she couldn\’t accept her children, but that she couldn\’t accept herself. The second story is that in the mother group, there is a senior member of our HeyMom The user\’s mother said – We should change things ourselves. We should get what we want by ourselves. Children are children, and they have their own lives. Let them be themselves. If you can\’t do it yourself, ask your children. It\’s cruel to do it instead. My greatest love for a child is that he can be himself. Unlike me, who has been a good boy all his life, but never happy. The child in the third story returned to China. In the end What impressed me was that Qing, the mother, agreed with her child\’s decision in the end. She told me, \”I have raised him for so many years, but I never understand him. If I love him but don\’t understand him, is it love?\” As a mother, you should correct your mistakes when you know they are wrong. This time, it’s me who understands them! \”Today\’s story has been told. I hope you can see yourself and your children in the story, accept yourself, and accept your children. If there is a secret to raising children, it is that the sooner we accept the children as they are, the sooner we can discover them. , the way to help children. When we accept children, in fact, we accept ourselves and our imperfections. Acceptance is the answer to all problems.