Should children be given freedom?

One netizen said that he had read many books about parenting, and they all mentioned that children should be given love and freedom. She also hopes to give her children love and freedom. After all, she was raised under supervision since she was a child and feels that her own nature has been suppressed. She hopes to allow her children to grow up freely, so when raising children, she will respect their wishes and not restrict them too much. But now she was confused, she had a problem. Her son, who has started elementary school, likes watching TV very much. Every time she tells her son not to watch TV for too long, he ignores her and sometimes cries. She said that she saw psychology articles saying that children should be given love and freedom so that they can grow up well and become sensible when they grow up. But why, my own child is not like this. She also tried to use strong methods to control her children\’s TV viewing, but when the children made trouble, she seemed to have no way out. Either it ends up in a conflict, but every time I beat or scold the child, I feel very broken inside. Should children be given freedom? Sometimes, you think you are loving your children, and you think this is how you love your children. However, you need to stop and take a look. Are you loving your children based on some thoughts in your heart? I saw a news story about a family traveling by car. Their child wanted to sit in the passenger seat because he felt that he would not be able to see the scenery on the road if he sat in the back seat. Children cannot sit in the passenger seat because it is very unsafe, and even traffic laws have corresponding regulations and penalties. Parents actually know this common sense, but their children just don\’t want to, crying and fussing. Finally, they compromise and risk their children to sit in the passenger seat. This is not a good thing for children. Not only is it easy to cause traffic accidents, but it also lets the children know that their parents have not obeyed traffic rules. More importantly, these parents have no boundaries in front of their children. Excessive love is the doting of parents; excessive freedom is the powerlessness of parents. Because parents cannot confidently reject their children\’s unreasonable demands and cannot establish the appropriate framework and boundaries with their children. Parents lack the strength to reject their children and face their children\’s emotions. When we cannot specifically talk to our children about this matter and cannot face their children\’s emotions, parents often use another method, such as saying to their children: I am doing this for your own good. At the same time, parents may also feel resentment towards their children, but cannot express it. Parents at this time are very powerless. They just hope that their children can understand something. But when you express these words to your child, the child cannot understand or feel your love. Because in this sentence, it is likely that the parents are expressing their resentment towards their children. The subtext of this sentence is probably: I have been so good to you, how could you do this? What else do you want? Compromising everything to the needs of the child, the freedom parents give their children is like trying to please their children. To please is to be afraid of the other person leaving. Many parents are dependent on their children. This kind of dependence will lead to parents compromising their children and thus failing to establish boundaries with their children. When your emotions can only be obtained through your children,You may have subconscious worries: You are afraid that your education of your children will distance you from your children, and this may mean that you will lose your children\’s attachment to you. Children can easily sense their parents\’ subconscious, so they learn to threaten their parents. For example, some children will tell their parents that they will run away from home if they are not allowed to watch TV. Because parents are afraid of losing, dependence develops. Especially in families where the relationship between husband and wife is not stable, children often become the emotional link between parents. If either parent is absent from the family, the closeness between the other parent and the child will become more severe and the relationship will tend to be sticky. An excessively sticky relationship can turn love into hate. Hate is to increase the distance between love and death. Therefore, we have to look at ourselves and see if you really love your children and give them freedom. Or do you love your children because of your inner fears and anxieties? If so, what you really love is your fears and anxieties. Without frames and boundaries, there is no separate space. Psychologist Zeng Qifeng said: Parents\’ appropriate hatred for their children is actually good for them. Because this can distance each other and allow each other not only to have a common space, but also to have their own space. As the mother said at the beginning of the article, she was raised under control and had no space of her own. Perhaps this is also the epitome of the growth of many of us, so when we raise our children, we do not want our children\’s growth to be suppressed. This also reflects our inner needs, which is what we lack when we grow up. We lack our own space and our personal space is suppressed. Vitality and nature are good things, but its expression also requires respecting the rules. Once you break the rules, your freedom may invade other people\’s space. We all desire to be ourselves, and there is nothing wrong with being ourselves. Children need space to grow, and parents also need their own space. Loving your children doesn\’t mean you have to lose yourself. Family is like a microcosm of society. The family environment is actually a common space, just like the social environment, it is a space that belongs to everyone. A common space is built by everyone. Therefore, in a common space, it is not just you who has the final say, but the result of everyone\’s mutual consultation. This is also our common rule. Rules protect freedom, and freedom is generated within rules. Giving children love and freedom is not a problem. The problem is that we seem to give the rules a prohibitive meaning and put freedom and rules in opposition. So, what can we do? First of all, rules are not prohibitions. The formulation of rules is based on the game between both parties. You can discuss with your child and set specific rules and details. The more specific the better. For example, when watching TV, specifically what time do you watch it every day and how long do you watch it. Don’t just stay at the agreed-upon stage of agreeing on rules, because both parents and children may selectively ignore and forget them for their own benefit. You can try translating the rules you and your children have agreed into into words and pictures, and put them at home. This not only makes the rules visible, but also indirectly cultivates a sense of order in your children\’s minds. Need to note hereWhat I mean is that since it is a rule agreed by both parties, parents need to let go of their power narcissism at home and have the final say. For example, a child may propose to watch TV for an hour, but parents cannot veto it with one vote. You can indicate the bottom line of what you can tolerate, such as only agreeing to 30 minutes. We can use games to bargain with our children, stick to the bottom line, and be appropriately flexible at the same time. For example, we can deliberately let the children win certain rights during the negotiation process. This process not only cultivates children\’s boundaries, but also makes children feel respected. That is, the rules at home are discussed together and are not set by the parents alone. This also means that the rules must not only be negotiated together, but also followed together. Second, when a child wants to break the rules, stick to the bottom line of the agreed rules and express respect for the child\’s ideas. Parents can disagree with their children\’s ideas, but they can still show respect for their children\’s ideas instead of blaming them. For example, tell your child directly: You wish you could watch one more episode of TV today, but we have agreed that we can only watch one episode. Such a response allows the child to feel that you did not reject him emotionally, but that you just followed the mutual agreement, which will not easily cause emotional conflicts. The establishment of borders does not happen overnight. Most importantly, children see in us adults how we handle boundary issues. How to say no with strength and accept with flexibility. These will eventually be internalized into the child\’s heart and become the boundary and strength of his soul.