Sometimes, I just want you to hug me and talk nonsense

3-year-old Doudou has just started kindergarten this year. Recently, he has been crying before going to bed at night: \”Don\’t go to kindergarten tomorrow!\” Doudou\’s mother has to coax him for a long time before he will fall asleep. When she opened her eyes in the morning, the first thing Doudou did was to ask: \”Are you going to kindergarten today?\” After receiving a positive answer, Doudou covered her head with a quilt and cried: \”I haven\’t slept enough! I won\’t go today. Kindergarten!\” 7-year-old Niu Niu is in the second grade of elementary school. In recent days, the teacher has assigned a lot of homework, and Niu Niu still can\’t finish it until very late. Sometimes my mother couldn\’t stand it anymore, so she would help him write, draw, and edit together, just to get by. One day at dinner, Niuniu muttered: \”I don\’t want to go to school tomorrow. School is not fun at all.\” After hearing this, his father immediately said: \”Did you go to school to play? You go to school to study!\” Dandan was 14 years old. , studying in junior high school. Recently I always feel restless at school. I look forward to going to get out of class and looking forward to going home after class. Sometimes, Dandan would skip class and wander around, but she still felt restless and just looked forward to going home. Dandan has always been very popular, but recently she doesn\’t like to interact with her classmates very much. She just wants to stay at home and stay with her mother. If you were the parent of Doudou, Niuniu or Dandan, what would you do? At the beginning, you may try to reason with your children, why everyone has to go to school (only if you go to school can you be literate, and only if you are literate can you be blabla), and why can\’t you stay at home all the time. As a result, you found that Doudou continued to cry, Niu Niu continued to be passive and slack at work, and Dandan continued to skip classes secretly. So you feel a little angry inside, but then you think about what experts say is \”gentle but firm\” and try to hold back your temper that is on the verge of exploding. What can we do to make our children go to school happily? Most likely, you will get an answer like this from an expert: \”It looks like your child has some separation anxiety/kindergarten anxiety/social phobia/adjustment disorder…so it is recommended that parents do the following \’one two three four five six seven\’ \’, to help children relieve their anxiety and adapt to school life as soon as possible.\” Although labels like \”XX anxiety\” make you a little anxious, with the expert\’s answer in your hand, this anxiety seems to have been alleviated by seven to eight points. Sometimes, we are so eager for an answer that we don’t even want to think about how the question itself came about. This is especially true when it comes to raising children. As a result, more and more articles like this appeared in our circle of friends and favorites: \”Three ways to solve the problem of children crying before going to bed\”, \”Four magic weapons to deal with babies who don\’t like to eat\”, \”Five methods to help you perfectly solve the problem of crying\” \”Garden Anxiety\” and \”Six Things You Must Know About Intergenerational Parenting\”… We expect these 100,000+ expert articles to provide the ultimate answers to these questions. Don\’t we know that these articles may just be written by experts? Deep down we all know, but what if, what if the article says what I can do, but I don’t do it, or I do it wrong, thus delaying the child’s study/health/future… Yes, raising Children are really hard and we are too afraid of making mistakes. We may allow ourselves to make mistakes in our lives, but we cannot allow our \”inaction\” or \”wrong things\” to affect our children\’s lives.bring any impact. Even if we fail to respond and solve problems in time after discovering them, we will all feel that we have failed to fulfill our responsibilities as parents. But dear, you don’t have to be a good parent if you meet the conditions mentioned in every article. Everything you do is good enough. Your children’s “problems” don’t always require you to rush to the front line to solve them. You can try to be lazy and not be a problem solver, and maybe you will get a better \”answer\” than the expert. Here’s a small example: One day you worked overtime until late and came home feeling very tired. You slumped down on the sofa and said to your husband next to you: “I really want to sleep in, but I have to get up early for a meeting tomorrow… I don’t even want to go to work. 555~\” How would he respond? The first response is: \”If you don\’t want to go to work, don\’t go to work and resign!\” The second response is very rational: \”If we don\’t go to work, how will we pay off the mortgage and raise the little one?\” The third response is to take advantage of others: \”Be content, I get up earlier than you every day!\” The fourth one is from the Universe Chicken Soup Center: \”I used to have the same thoughts as you, but then, I saw a sentence that says, the person who wakes you up every day should not be The alarm clock should be a dream. Then I started to think about what my dream in life is…\” The fifth type is practical: \”What\’s the use of complaining? Don\’t lie here, go to bed early!\” The sixth response is: \”Yeah, it\’s really hard to work overtime like this every day, come here and give me a hug~\” Which one makes you feel the most comfortable? In fact, the first five responses are all trying to help us eliminate the idea of ​​\”not wanting to go to work\” from different angles, or provide solutions. Only the sixth response is the laziest and least informative (except for hugs) (Outside of Invitation) It\’s just nonsense. But many times we need to listen to such nonsense to feel that we are understood, accepted, and supported, so that we can have more strength to face our own problems. In other words, in most cases we don\’t need a \”problem solver\”. A \”person who can understand me\” can help us exert our own energy and solve problems. The same goes for children. When they use complaints or actions to express that they “don’t want to go to school”, why don’t we think outside the box as a “problem solver” and talk a few “nonsense” first and ask them how they feel and why they don’t want to go to school? \”Don\’t want to go to school\” is a feeling that almost everyone has had in childhood, but the time, degree and specific reasons are different. Doudou is only 3 years old. He is used to being with his mother, so he is very uneasy about suddenly having to change to a new environment and be separated from his mother for a whole day. Niu Niu\’s class has a new class teacher this semester who is stricter, and Niu Niu also has a new deskmate. The second grade has much more homework than the first grade, and the teacher\’s requirements are also more stringent. Once, Niu Niu was called by the teacher to answer a question, but he failed to answer because he was distracted. The classmates laughed at him, which made Niu Niu feel very embarrassed. Dandan told us that her father was transferred to work elsewhere this year, and she was sensitive to the subtle changes in the relationship between her parents. One night Dandan heard her mother next doorI cried softly and wanted to comfort her, but in the end I didn\’t go. After that she began spending as much time with her mother as possible, and whenever she left the house she felt like she was leaving her behind \”like dad\”. Family therapy guru Jay Haley once said: Children who cannot leave home are all children who are loyal to their families; children who cannot leave home mostly have parents who make them feel uneasy. Thinking about the relationship between us and our parents, are there some things that are difficult to let go of? Although I have grown up and left my original family, the feeling of wanting to escape and go back mixed with love, apology and responsibility still persists. Therefore, there are so many possible reasons for the seemingly simple \”not wanting to go to school\” (or it may not be any of the above). The child encounters some things and has some feelings. \”Don\’t want to go to school\” is just his way of expressing his feelings. When you understand the feelings behind these methods and what he encountered, don\’t you think it\’s not difficult at all to \”solve\” it? At the same time, children will also feel understood and accepted by us. Maybe we don’t need to do anything. He is already capable of dealing with the problems he encounters. So, is it difficult to communicate and understand? It\’s not difficult at all for you. To be honest, no one knows your child better than you and no one is better at communicating with him than you. Remember how you smiled at and interacted with him when he was a baby? How did you stay with him when he was learning to talk and toddle? You can understand his emotions without being trained or reading hundreds of thousands of expert articles, and you have accompanied him through so many small hurdles in life. And what about him? The person he trusts most is you. No matter if you blushed at him, spanked him, or forgot to pick him up after school – in his little mind, you will always be the most trustworthy and reliable person in the world. How could he not want to share his experiences and feelings with you? So, put aside the expert articles (possibly including this one), and talk openly about “nonsense” with your children now!