Sometimes parents should encourage their children to be \”irresponsible\”!

A few days ago, a mother left me a message on the backstage of the public account, saying that her daughter Lele (pseudonym) was becoming more and more introverted and closed, and the parent-child relationship was very poor. She asked me if there was any good solution. After detailed communication, I learned what happened: Lele, who is about to enter first grade, likes assembly toys very much. Once I saw a box of \”Princess Castle\” in the supermarket (the kind with many parts that need to be assembled) , Lele likes it very much and must buy it. The price of this box of toys is not low. The frugal Lele’s mother carefully read the instructions and felt that it was too difficult for Lele and not very suitable, so she refused to buy it for her child. Lele, who has always had a princess complex, liked this castle very much and promised her mother that she would be able to put it together. If she couldn\’t put it together well, she would be willing to use all the coins in her piggy bank to buy it. After buying the castle and bringing it home, Lele studied it for a long time and tinkered with it many times alone, but could not assemble it well no matter what. Finally, as Lele cried loudly, her mother snatched the piggy bank from Lele\’s arms and took away all the coins she had worked so hard to save. Lele used all her \”savings\” in exchange for a bunch of castle parts, and was very sad. What makes her even more sad is that after that, if she asks to buy something or wants to do something, if her mother disagrees, she will always use the \”castle incident\” as an example: \”Last time you insisted on buying that castle, I told you that you couldn\’t put it together and you still couldn\’t.\” If you don’t believe it, didn’t you succeed in the end?” Every time her mother said this, she could immediately convince Lele to give up her request, and the effect was immediate. In fact, as long as Lele\’s mother squats down, lends a helping hand to Lele, and helps her assemble the castle, it will be a very pleasant experience. If the mother can help Lele find out the reason why she failed to put together, explain it, and affirm Lele\’s good work, it will be a very good education. If you want Lele to learn to \”take responsibility for your own actions\”, you can give her half of her coins as a \”reward\” after helping her, and I think Lele will most likely be happy to accept it. However, Lele\’s mother deeply hurt Lele with just a simple and crude sentence of \”take responsibility for your own actions\” and made the child experience negative emotions such as failure, self-blame, shame and helplessness, but did not give any Positive affirmation and encouragement. Even adults will inevitably have inaccurate estimates of their abilities and underestimate their difficulties, let alone young children? How tragic would it be to have to pay such a \”heavy\” price because of a single misjudgment, and to have to endure the constant \”rubbing of salt\” from the people closest to you? When a child suffers the blow of failure, not only does he not receive comfort from his mother, he also loses money, and he also has to bear his mother\’s blame. Where is mother\’s love in this process? Where is the tolerance? If you can\’t feel these things, it would be strange if your children don\’t close themselves off. Jun is a young man in his 20s who will soon be a father. He told me that he was getting more and more nervous, afraid that he would not be able to fulfill his role as a father, and that he did not know how to educate his children. Jun describes himself this way: introverted, timid and fearful, and a dispensable person among his colleagues. But in fact, Jun was a very naughty boy when he was a child, the kind of boy who was said to be able to go to the house. What changed Jun was a \”disaster\” he caused: more than ten years ago, JunWhen I was still a primary school student, one day there was a labor class, and the teacher asked the child to bring scissors, white glue and other tools to school. When he returned home from school in the evening and walked in the community, he took out his scissors and cut off the leaves and twigs on the roadside. After a few cuts, he scratched a car next to him with his hands, scratching five or six scratches on the door. cm long scratches. The car was equipped with a siren, and it immediately screamed \”wow wah wah\”, scaring Jun so much that he was stunned on the spot. It happened that a security guard passed by, took a look at the situation, and registered Jun\’s name and house number. Jun didn\’t dare to tell his parents when he got home, he was very worried. At night, the security guard accompanied the car owner to the door, and Jun\’s parents found out what happened. Jun\’s father was very angry. He yelled at Jun in front of the car owner and slapped him. Then he pushed Jun hard, almost staggering him, and pushed him to the car owner and said: \”We don\’t care now, what do you think we should do? You are responsible for the trouble you caused…\” At that time, cars were far from what they are now. It\’s so popular, but the car owner\’s attitude is arrogant and fierce. When his parents scolded Jun, the car owner stood by to support him, saying that such a naughty child really deserves a good education. Jun was trembling with fear as he was attacked from both sides. In the end, of course, Jun\’s parents paid for the car repairs. After the car owner finished repairing the car, Jun\’s father put the money in an envelope, took Jun to the floor of the car owner\’s house, and asked Jun to knock on the door and pay the car owner the money. Jun was so frightened that he hesitated and didn\’t dare to step forward. After being scolded and urged by his father several times, Jun finally knocked on the door, handed over the money, apologized like a mosquito, and lowered his head to accept the scolding from the car owner. . This incident left a serious psychological shadow on Jun. From then on, he changed his image as a naughty child and became more disciplined and cautious, for fear of accidentally causing a big disaster. Jun said: \”When my father pushed me forward, in front of the fierce car owner who was much taller than me, and said that I would be responsible for it, I was really scared. After so many years, that sense of oppression and The fear is still very vivid and clear.\” If Jun\’s father had been willing to hold Jun\’s hand and apologize to the tall and fierce car owner with him, Jun would not have been so scared. Even if Jun’s pocket money had to be deducted for a few years afterwards to teach Jun to “take responsibility for his own actions,” Jun would probably be willing to do so. Children are sometimes very naughty and deliberately cause damage, which may occasionally bring serious consequences. Most of these consequences are not anticipated by the children in advance. Asking a child to bear consequences that are far beyond his ability to bear is sometimes a devastating blow to the child. I watched a TV show a long time ago. I can’t remember the name of the show. The general situation was as follows: several parents and their children talked about the problems and difficulties they encountered. There was a psychological counselor on site. Sitting for a consultation.\” I remember a mother and son who had a very bad relationship. The psychological counselor asked the child to recall things related to his mother and asked him what was the saddest thing in his memory. The child said that he once went to the supermarket and saw a bag of biscuits with beautiful packaging and asked his mother to buy it. The mother said that she had eaten such biscuits before and they were not delicious and she would not buy them. But he liked it so much, very muchHe wanted to try it and insisted on his mother buying it. She asked him to \”finish it after buying it\”, and he agreed. When the biscuits were bought, he couldn\’t wait to open them, but was disappointed. As his mother said, they tasted very bad. He didn’t want to eat it after eating two pieces, but his mother asked him to finish it because before buying it, she warned him that the biscuits were not delicious and asked him to “finish them after buying them”, which he promised. His mother said: \”You must be responsible for your actions!\” So he ate the \”unpalatable\” package of biscuits with tears in his eyes. There were several mother-son pairs in that TV show, but the experience of this child was the only one that left a deep impression on me many years later. Suppose you ask a child what will happen after he eats that pack of biscuits? Will he dare to try new things in the future? In the future, when children encounter any food they have never eaten before, they will not think about how delicious it might be, but will only think about what if it tastes bad? When encountering any new things, children do not dare to hope for the good side, but only keep imagining the worst case scenario. Such a child never dares to be curious about anything again. His mother only used a bag of biscuits to easily break his wings of exploration and block his vision of the colorful world. A few years ago, an employee in a workshop at my husband\’s workplace damaged a machine tool due to an operating error, causing the company a loss of more than one million yuan. The company deducted several months of his salary and all bonuses for the year as punishment. You see, even if adults make mistakes, they only bear the part of the responsibility they can bear. Just imagine, if the machine tool is damaged and needs to be compensated according to the price, this employee will not be able to see the end of his life without food or water. Who dares to do such a high-risk job? We all understand this. But when things happen to our children, who we regard as treasures, in the name of loving the children, in the name of being good to the children, and with the lofty goal of cultivating good qualities, we put responsibilities that are beyond the children\’s ability and put them on the weak shoulders with our own hands. On the shoulder, I bent my waist and broke my leg, but I still don’t know how distressed I feel, and I don’t feel any regret. If you really love your child, sometimes you must allow him to be \”irresponsible\”. Let us say to our children: Feel free to explore the world boldly. As long as you have good intentions, even if you accidentally cause trouble, we will bear it with you!