Stop forcing children to be brave! You\’re just going to create a vulnerable child.

A mother left me a message. Her daughter is over three years old and has always been very well-behaved. But what makes the mother confused is that the child would cover his hands or feet several times to prevent his mother from seeing them. Sometimes it would be broken for several days without letting her see it. This mother is very strange. If children of the same age around her are injured, they will act coquettishly to their mother immediately. Why won\’t her own children do the same? After further chatting, I found the answer. Although this mother usually encourages her children and rarely criticizes her children, she is also quite strict. From the moment your child can walk, try to find ways to let her walk on her own. Even if the child is tired and asked to be held by his mother, he will not do so easily. When the child rides a bicycle or plays a scooter, she has to carry it on her own when encountering steps. The mother said she did this to train her children to be independent. This mom has good intentions. However, she only saw \”things\” and not \”people\”. She only saw the child\’s superficial independence and did not see the child\’s inner emotional needs. A child who has just learned to walk does not yet have enough strength and patience to support her to walk too far, so it is normal for her to be held by her mother. When she opened her arms, her mother rejected her. It is actually quite hard for a three-year-old child to carry a scooter up the steps by herself, but her mother will not help her, so she can only grit her teeth and persevere. In countless moments when I needed my mother’s support, my mother just stood aside. My mother may also feel aggrieved: Although I stand aside, I have been encouraging her. However, what the child needs at this time is not empty shouts of cheers, but the hands and embrace of the mother, and real help. When the child\’s needs are met again and again, she understands that it is useless to tell her mother when something happens. Her mother will not help, so she might as well endure it by herself. This kind of tolerance is a kind of suppression, suppressing normal emotional needs, and what emerges is an independent, well-behaved, but not coquettish little girl. Even if you are hurt, you only care for yourself. Acting like a baby shows that you are soft at heart, know that someone cares about you, and believe that the world loves you, so you will expose your \”weakness\” without worrying about being rejected or ignored. Who doesn\’t like to act coquettishly? Adults, children, men and women. I don’t know how to act like a spoiled child because I have no one to act like a spoiled child to. If you don\’t become strong, who will show your weakness? Over time, children learn to be \”strong\”. I once saw a video where a few adults were swimming by the lake. The father let his two- or three-year-old child ride on his shoulders and walked step by step into the lake. He was caught off guard and threw the child into the water. The little boy was so frightened that he cried loudly, but the adults in the water looked on with smiles. The child realized that no one would help him, so he cried and paddled as hard as he could. After finally getting ashore, the child was still crying hoarsely, his cries full of grievance and anger. He cried and went to his mother, who was also smiling and comforted him with a few words. There was a hint of \”What\’s the big deal? Is it worth crying like this?\” in her expression. In the video, you can always hear the happy laughter of several adults. Obviously, the father is teaching his son to swim in this way, and it may not be the first time. It seems that the effect is not bad. The little child is almost self-taught and \”learns\” swimming by relying on his survival instinct.. However, what a shadow this kind of swimming will leave on a child\’s heart! At such a young age, he realized that when faced with danger, his father and mother were both unreliable. No one can help him, he can only rely on himself. He realized the cruelty of this world when he was two or three years old. Yes, the child learned to swim quickly, and maybe, slowly, he will become very strong. However, who can know how cruel and fragile such strength is. Behind such strength lies a deep fear and insecurity about the world. Parents, to a child, are his entire world. As he grows up, he will internalize his relationship with his parents as his relationship with the world. His parents love him, which means the world loves him. His parents were harsh to him, which meant that the world was harsh to him. His parents forced him to be independent and stood by when he needed help, which meant that the world was unreliable for him. At critical moments, he could only rely on himself. After experiencing such despair again and again, his heart will be wrapped with a hard shell, and he will become indifferent – the greater the hope, the greater the disappointment. Only if you have no hope for your parents and the world will you not be disappointed. To him, this world is cold and unreliable. How can a child who feels insecure inside be truly strong and independent? Regarding bravery, a friend told a story about her and her daughter. Her daughter is relatively shy. From the age of three or four, she has consciously made her daughter interact with people more, such as asking for directions on the street and asking the waiter for something in a restaurant. However, every time, my daughter refused to go by herself, and would tug at the corner of her clothes: \”Mom, come with me.\” Or, \”You go and tell me, I won\’t.\” My friend also agreed every time: \”Okay. Yes, I\’ll tell you. Just watch what I say. Next time, you can tell me, okay?\” The daughter nodded. Next time, it’s the same as usual. This went on for several years. Before the age of ten, my daughter had never interacted with strangers independently. From one day after she was ten years old, her daughter seemed to have changed. When mother and daughter went out, the daughter took care of everything such as asking for directions and buying tickets. Her spoken language became: \”Let me come.\” Mom sometimes I was worried and wanted to follow. My daughter would say, \”I can do it. You don\’t have to come over, just stand there.\” My friend said that she was a little anxious at first. What will happen when this child is so shy? She is a person who loves to learn. She read a lot of educational books, and then she realized: children need time to grow, so take your time. Therefore, she never forced her daughter to interact with strangers, nor did she reprimand her for it. She believed that her daughter, who was hiding behind her, was slowly learning and accumulating inner strength. Then, one day after she turned ten, her daughter gave her a surprise. True bravery is never forced. It is the power that naturally grows in the heart under the nourishment of tolerance and love. Only when there is sufficient sense of security in the heart can children dare to explore the world with confidence. Because he knows that as long as he wants to come back, he can come back at any time, and his parents are behind him. I once chatted with a young friend. He started his own business in college and encountered numerous rapids and shoals. Finally, he broke into a new world.Today he is worth several billion. There is a calm confidence in his speech and behavior. He said that he would feel that it is normal to encounter problems and setbacks. Soldiers will come to cover up the water and the soil will cover it up, and the problem will be solved. I\’m curious where his confidence comes from. He thought for a while and said: Maybe it’s because his parents have been very tolerant of him since he was a child. They let him try whatever he wants and won’t force him to do anything. Before the college entrance examination, my father opened a bottle of wine and drank with him for the first time. He said: Son, the college entrance examination is not a big deal. Now you can usually go to college. Even if you don\’t pass the exam, it\’s okay, dad is here. He said that with his father\’s words at the bottom, he felt very at ease and felt that there was nothing to be afraid of. After graduating from college, his family wanted him to take the civil service exam, but he didn\’t even attend a day\’s work and went straight to start a business and become a boss. Dad didn\’t say much and gave him his family\’s savings as start-up capital. During several storms, his father was behind him to support him. Ten years after starting his business, he already has a small fortune. One day, his father said to him: Son, your career is getting bigger and bigger, but my father’s ability is limited, so he may not be able to help you much in the future. From now on, you have to rely on yourself. That day, he suddenly discovered that his father was old. From that day on, he felt that he had truly transformed from a boy into a man, feeling the weight of responsibility and having to support his family on his shoulders. After listening to what he said, I understood where his confidence and calmness came from. He has always been supported by his father. Father\’s love is like a mountain, and only when you have spiritual support can you become fearless. Even though his father can no longer give him actual support, he has internalized this love into inner strength, which is enough for him to go on firmly. True bravery is never forced. What is forced out is just pretending to be strong, because too much fear and disappointment are suppressed, which often leads to two results: either the will is stronger than the fear, and it looks strong and independent, but in fact, the spirit is tense, easy to lose control, or self-defeat. Either the fear is greater than the will, and the person closes himself off and becomes cowardly and withdrawn. No matter what the outcome is, they will attack themselves endlessly in their hearts: I am not good enough, I am not brave enough, I am not worthy of being loved. This is what their parents said to them when they were young, and they have long since internalized it deep in their hearts, turning into self-blame all the time. So, if you love your child and want him to be brave, strong, confident, and independent, then give him enough love and security. Then, spend enough time and patience, and wait for it to grow slowly like a plant, bear fruit, and mature.